There is a point in your more adult life when expectation is vaguely removed. If you do not have children, and do not plan to have children any time soon, and you have attained the degrees and professional accolades that you desire, then what else should you be doing with your life? Whatever you want, really.
To be fair, I am not entirely in this position yet. This month is becoming a sort of limbo place in my memory, even though half of it has not yet occurred. There are a couple of reasons for this.
The first reason is that, against general opinion, I did make the offer to Mr.Aloof for one last play session in the warehouse before he moves out. He moves out on the 28th of this month. Although he seemed interested and keen initially, he has since gone off on one of his regular disappearing bouts. Because I am no longer attached to him in the same way, this makes me sad perhaps, because I think one last night of roll in the hay, otherwise known as, hung from the rafters and tormented mercilessly, would be fun and a pleasant sort of way to say goodbye. On the other hand, if it doesn't happen, I'm also content knowing that my relationship with him is now a thing in the past, and the memories I already have of being hung from the rafters and tormented mercilessly are really good enough. Anyway, he has two weeks yet to make plans. I'm not holding my breath.
The second reason is that it occurred to me a couple of days ago, that the end of this month brings renewed studying for my next exam. I don't think I can convey the dread that I feel, knowing I need to start up the machinations to prepare for a new exam. Or, that this exam is supposed to be the most difficult of all the multiple choice tests. This is why I am leaving two months to study for only this exam, and also why I am only taking one exam on my future trip home and not two. These exams are also why I am not, as stated in the second paragraph here, completely free yet to do what I want. In fairness, the exams do not interfere very much with the course I may or may not set my life on, but they do in fact, interfere. For starters, they eat up my vacation time by requiring me to go home twice a year these past two years as opposed to any alternative. Also, the act of studying so intensely at these intervals during the year means that I have been very reluctant to sign up for a course or pursue alternate learning as I don't want it to conflict with the studying I must do, and also, I get so sick of studying and learning that I can't bear the thought of adding another, even if it were to be for fun.
And so there it is, a moment in my life, June 2006 that is already encapsulated in my mind. Already the past when it's still in the future. It's sort of a time of waiting and incubating. I feel as though I am just passing time perhaps, and not necessarily living my life. And I'm so very complacent at the moment, that this thought of waste and indolence really doesn't bother me at all. Which is fitting, I suppose.
If someone got me riled up about something, I'm sure I'd have more to say, and might even break through of my stupor. But maybe an occasional stupor is a good thing?
3 comments:
Quote seen on another blog earlier today:
I had something of a mid twenties crisis (maybe I still am), and know plenty of others who've had it much worse than me. Essentially, it comes from shooting out of university, getting your first job, moving into your own place... then a few years down the line you sort of run out of steam.
You're in too deep to have the freedom you think you ought to have. You're working hard, and can only see a future of working just as hard over and over, but you're skint. You're getting older, and you're still single.
Luckily I found Jesus.
That's the name of my dealer.
Wow. That was fucking Hi-LAR-ee-us.
However, to contrast, I'm in my *gasp* early thirties, not mid twenties. I don't think I work that hard honestly. And I like what I do for the most part, so I like the idea of doing it for the forseeable future. I'm not actually skint, I've come to realize lately my income supports my lifestyle which is a bit frightening. It means there isn't really incentive for more.
As for Jesus... well, last time I found the baby Jesus, apparently, I made him cry with all my wickedness. *smirk*
muhahahahahahahahaahahahahah
Exuberant Christians really makes this Jew laugh sometimes. Seriously though, all those uber Christian blogs out there sometimes seriously freak my shit out, you know?
-K
A friend has just written that :
if there's one thing this blog genuinely abhors and fears, it's fundamentalists from any of the three "Desert Religions".
Fundamentalists of any persuasion are to be feared. Human beings should never be that sure about anything. Although having said that...
I am sure that Julia Sawalha is gorgeous.
BUT..I do not have any intention of bombing anybody that disagrees.
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