Considering Relations

It's troublesome to have an idea of what it is you want, but not be able to find. Not even know how to begin to look for it. There is only one weekend left for Mr.Aloof to take advantage of the offer, and then I have decided I am seriously starting to go out and 'date' again.

For the record, dating sucks.

Dating sucks even worse when you are perhaps slightly insecure about your looks and/or date-worthiness and throw in a desire to not just date any guy that you may get along with and feel a kinship to, but also, can he please be dominant in bed and know how to take charge?

I've never been one to 'fit in' with any sort of group. I always seem to exist on the periphery of groups. The bdsm community is no different. I am not ever going to 'fit in' with the people searching for a 'community'. I don't want a community, I want a partner. It really irks me off sometimes in bdsm circles how people refer to their partner as 'my dominant', 'my owner', 'my slave', 'my submissive'. I think I would rather refer to and be referred as 'my partner' who happens to be submissive or dominant. Of course this would piss off a lot of 'in scene' people I'm sure. I guess what I don't like in the bdsm community, or really, from anyone, is the exhibitionist desire to force their intimacies on everyone else. Your dominant partner may be 'your dominant' but out of those two choices I'd rather emphasize "your partner". It seems like the more important of the two. As an example, if I was gay and I was referring to my gay partner, I wouldn't say, "my gay" would I?

The thing is, I don't do myself any favors with thoughts like these, but who else can I be but myself? I'm not sure if I'd be better or worse off if I was not bdsm inclined and looking. On the one hand, it makes it easier to find people, but on the other hand, it makes it easier to find a lot of people none of whom are quite right. It's frustrating seeing people with relationships I want. It's hard to know that there is a precedent for what I believe in. At least I know I'm not completely crazy, but I know I'm not mainstream. Fuck, I'm not general public mainstream, and then I get into bdsm world and I can't even fucking be mainstream there. Ridiculous.

I know I'm rambling a bit here. I'm tired and need to go to bed. But the start of this train of thought was actually that it's actually taken me some time perhaps to reach a point where I want a partner and not just a dominant. When I first figured it all out, I did just want a dominant. Saying that one wants a partner is saying that one wants more. I want more. I worry, in sleep headed times like these, that I'm really never going to find anyone. That I am utterly disfunctional as a person and incapable of finding anyone who wants me as their partner. But hope springs eternal. I'll get over it. I'll get back on that horse.

But fuck, I'm really not looking forward to it. Dating sucks.