Unfulfilled Potential

I will run spellcheck on all of these, and maybe add pictures when I am not on a Mac. I hate these stupid machines.

Today is the day before my first exam. It is about lunchtime. I have not studied. I have not studied now for about a week. And the studying was spotty before that.

I don't really understand why I think I want to fail. Maybe if I fail I can get it out of the way and stop waiting for it to happen. Maybe I am tired of test taking and studying. Not that this exercise is doing me any favors in fixing that particular problem. If I fail both of these exams, which seems likely, I will retake them in August. And that time, with failure behind me, I will motivate myself to pass.

But why this self immolition? Why have I found this time so hard? Why am I beign so stubborn with myself, so unyeilding? If I had studied, during all the opportunities I let pass, I would likely be passing these exams. But I made deliberate and conscious choices to not do what I knew I should do. And now I will fail because of it.

Maybe I'm trying to work out if I care or not. I must care, because I see I will have to take them again, and I see that I will pass eventually. But why this? And why now?

It is something I don't like about myself very much. And I recognize that this injury that I have done to myself only fosters a certain level of self-hatred that is distant yet oddly familiar. I want to fail perhaps because then I will have tangible evidence that I am the failure that I somehow seem to myself. A rather expensive and pointless argument to be making it seems.