Stamina and Dedication

I get bored very easily. I'm also not really into hardship. So it's not really a surprise to myself that I often think I am lacking in stamina and dedication. Of course, not entirely- there are many things I pursue and follow through on, but overall, I feel fairly lazy most of the time. If I had more energy and motivation, I would stick with things and always be doing things, but I don't. I like to sit around and do nothing. And read books. And knit. And surf the internet. And watch television. And eat.

It's not something I talk about very much on here because I think in many ways it's not something I think about a lot- my weight. I mean, I do think about my weight, as every woman out there thinks about her weight, but I don't think about it frequently, it's not one of the loudest voices of the many voices in my head, although it is always there.

I'm not 'fat', but I am overweight. At 5' 4", I'm a US size 12 and a UK size 14 (depending on brand of course) which puts me smack average in two countries where obesity is a problem. My doctor tells me I need to lose weight every time I see her. I go to the gym, and I feel more fit, but I don't lose weight. I don't go to the gym and I feel less fit and I weigh the same.

When I first moved to the UK I was probably about 20 lbs heavier. That's what giving up a car and changing lifestyles led to. But generally since then, my weight has been constant within a ten pound range no matter what I may be doing or not doing by way of eating right or wrong or exercising. Even my hospital stint last year when they hacked out a large grapefruit from inside me didn't see me lose a single pound.

Sometimes though, when I'm feeling down or anxious about any number of things, like many a woman out there, the focus of my unhappiness turns to my weight. As in, "I would be so much happier and my life would be so much better if only I weighed less.".

This isn't particularly true. There may be some things in my life that would possibly improve through weight loss, but it would be no guarantee of a boyfriend or love or admiration from colleagues or peers. Of course, that's what I tell myself, but the evil girl voice whispers from the sideline that of course the reason I don't have a boyfriend or don't get taken seriously at work or any number of things is because of how I look, ergo, how much I weigh.

So I don't know what's going on with me this week. Birthday fun aside, I've just been back to feeling a bit blah. I think it probably has something to do with my trip to the states next week. That I'm going to see family who will all make comments of varying degrees about why I'm not in a relationship and what am I doing about it. And my father will inevitably mention my weight which will piss me off and reinforce every negative thought I have about myself. And I'm also just stressed about the flights.

So I've cracked down on my eating which means I'm sitting at work hungry all morning seeing as how I've only eaten fruit and one oat cake after skipping dinner. I'm letting myself pretty much have what I want for lunch, and I'm not necessarily intentionally skipping dinner, but if it's too late and I'm not starving, I'm not eating.

The stupid thing about this entire exercise is that I won't lose any weight, it will reinforce my being grumpy, and I also will eventually forget that I am taking out my general grumpiness on myself and I will just start eating like I usually do just as quickly as I stopped eating like I normally do. It's all very stupid. But it's probably a good thing I don't have the dedication and stamina to pick up an eating disorder. Obviously the potential is there, I just can't be bothered to do it properly.