Waiting to Click

Tonight I am staying up late and hanging around my computer in the hopes that I can buy a print off of the lovely Ms. Kawasaki. I have pretty much missed every single print that she has done previously and this is the first time that I have remembered, despite the time difference, that a print is coming available. Of course, there are only 150 of them and I feel the chance of my getting one is somewhat slim, but I am going to try. Sort of like when I bought the small prints from Stella, although I shouldn't have been so worried about those- I got a set no problem, even if it wasn't one of the 'special' sets. So we'll see what happens. I'm up, I'm waiting, and I hope I get one but I'm not going to hold my breath.

But I do need to pass the time, so I thought I'd write something here even though there isn't the most to chatter on about. There's the Olympics which are always fun to watch. I've had them on for a good part of the day. Today the weather was astonishingly bad. Me and a couple of the gals went to Broadway Market, ate some 'special brownies', got some food and nibbles, came back to mine and crashed out for the subsequent bunch of hours. Then we went out to meet up with D and V who used to live here for dinner at my local. Aside from the miserable weather it was an overall good and chill day which is just what you need sometimes. Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be better.

Head doctor visits continue. The latest thing I've been talking through with her a bit and then subsequently thinking about loads is whether or not I really want to be in a relationship or not. I think that part of me is deeply afraid of relationships because I pretty much expect people to let me down. Even people who love me and care about me- because after all, they are only human. Of course it's not at all just as simple as that. But there is certainly something there- something that has led me to be in the position I find myself. I was talking to her about my biggest fear in opening up to someone and trusting them and loving them is to be afraid that they will hurt me or not really love me back. What's funny about this, is that it was only when Mr.Aloof proved to be just such a person who would not be there for me and was going to hurt me, that I fell in love with him. That's pretty fucked up. Good thing I'm getting therapy then I guess. But there isn't a quick fix or easy answer to this issue. It's deep seated and subtle. Still, that's why I'm going to therapy- to hopefully get to a point where I can change these ingrained behaviors. We'll see.

Forty minutes to go.

It's my birthday a week from today. I can't say that I'm at all unhappy to see this year end. Almost a year ago I was rushing in to the emergency room. It's strange isn't it? It seems so far away and at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. Trauma is like that I guess.

Twenty minutes to go.

I just spent the past twenty minutes tracking down another print that I really like and finding out that it would be very expensive to buy. Grumble. I don't usually care about not having money coming out of my ears, but times like this I'd like to have a slightly higher disposable income. I suppose if I really wanted to of course I could buy this print, but then I'd have to give up a lot of other entertainments for a while. So it's not exactly an option.

Fifteen minutes to go.

I should quit this now and wait out the remaining minutes with my fingers at the ready. I won't be the most unhappy if I don't get this print- it's not my favorite out of all the ones that have ever been offered. But I think it would be a good investment. And I like it- just nearly as much as some of the others. Given that, I'm sure I'll probably get this one after all. We'll see.