I Spent

A good part of today crying at work. I passed this off as 'having allergies' if anyone asked. Luckily I don't sit in a very public location, and I don't always work with that many people.

I thought I got away with it too, except at the end of the day one of the girls I work with said something about it not being allergies and was I okay. I almost started crying again right there but managed not to, said something non-committal and went home.

Hormones really suck.

Crumbling

I'm having a rough day. This is after a weekend where I basically holed myself up in my house. I want to say that I don't feel like I'm coping with things very well, but what things? And what am I not doing well? See, this is the problem. I can feel like I'm falling apart inside, but unlike my usual course of action, my outside is not reflecting that, and I'm in no rush to make things match.

Because I am an only child and have spent inordinate amounts of time alone, I have no problem sitting around letting my mind take off in a million conversations and on a thousand topics. It's perfectly normal for me to have these ongoing and spontaneous conversations. And while I'm still having them at a reasonable rate, I find that I am equally spending time with my mind gliding over my thoughts and refusing to settle. Which I guess I consider 'thinking of nothing'.

It's impossible to know how other people think. What their inner voices are like. So I have no way of knowing if my way of thinking is typical or not. I am resisting saying 'normal' because I don't think there is a 'normal' and 'not normal' to this question. Only shades of different.

So the thing is, usually, my head is a cacophony of thoughts and invented conversations. Scenarios and situations replayed. Words repeated. This happens all the time. To me, this is normal. And in a way, it is this orchestra of thoughts that make me up inside. Because these inner voices are the ones that basically determine my actions. The endless weighing of options and rehashing of moments give me insight into what my choice or next action should be.

But I suppose a way to think about it, is that it is a dense stacking of a million little pieces. So when those pieces start to behave in ways that are contrary to the balance of the whole, the entire thing starts to tremble and shudder. And maybe a chip or a pebble falls off here and there. And the structure that I think my 'self' is built on starts to crumble a little bit.

Fucking hell. Let me sum this up in a slightly more concise manner. In the midst of feeling like crap and having a mentally bad go of things, this happens to be the week I have my period so it's making me particularly batty.

Joy.

Another Long Week

Or maybe it was just a busy week. Except now the weekend is half gone and I spent all day yesterday in my house not doing much of anything really and I'm not sure what I'm doing today but it probably won't be much and then it's going to be yet another week at work and so it goes on.

Last week, Monday was indeed my only night off. I was out and about every evening. Even saw the other couple one night. Which was fun. Though overall I'm in quite a melancholy state of mind. It seems to me that I enjoy things while I'm doing them- so in the moment I'm having a good time, but then right afterwards, it's like it never happened. I feel like things are in a bit of a haze really.

I'm going to do a post with some photos shortly of all the little soft toys I've knitted for my friend's babies. I've sent off all the elephants and they have been received. And the one thing I did accomplish yesterday was to finish the octopus that I was making for the last baby on the way. So I need to get a box together and get that in the mail sometime soon, though I think that baby isn't due until June? Still, I'm impressed with the knitting. I really enjoyed these little projects as they are relatively quick and complex enough to be interesting without dragging on. And of course they are also very cute!

So not too much by way of news here.

Oh, and for the regular readers who may send questioning notes... don't worry, I'm in the process of arranging some counseling. This melancholy has gone on a bit long for my liking, so I am taking proactive steps to do something about it. So it's okay.

My Only Night Off

The rest of the week I am out doing something every night. Pretty crazy.

So I got an email from Mr.Aloof today. It was three short sentences. Not one of which acknowledged the missive I previously sent or the week of silence. Do you know what it means? I do. It means he misses me in his own fucked up little way. I mean, he can't say that. And he can't acknowledge any of the things I wrote. Because if he did, and if he could, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I sent back four slightly longer sentences. I think. In the same spirit of my original withdrawing emails. Friendly, polite, and aloof. I got no response. But I'm sure I'll hear from him again. Am I rewarding him somehow by keeping in touch? Painful for me but enough for him? I'll keep at it for a while and see how I feel in a bit.

In other news, a blog has died. That's a bit sad. I see that these things happen. Situations change. Desires and impulses change. Still, while I follow a number of blogs, I tend to judge them (yes, I said judge) based on how well written they are, and this was one of the better ones. I'll follow the other outlets left to me, but I'm sorry to see it go.

I'm going on a site visit tomorrow for work. That should be fun. Nice to get out of the office. We're going to look at some old quarry that is being considered for housing redevelopment. Tough site. Should be interesting.

Current debate: to Glastonbury or not to Glastonbury? That's the pressing question.

Sleep Beckons, Thoughts Disturb

I had a busy day. Except I don't remember most of my day. Like I was just going through the motions a bit. I mean not really, I was in it at the time, but now it all seems very far away.

Thirty minutes to midnight, the flatmate isn't home and I'm sleepy. Except I'm mulling over things. So if I go to bed I'm going to lay there and think about things and I'm not going to sleep for a while.

There is this episode of 'Friends' where Rachel wants to tell Ross she loves him before his wedding to Emily. And Monica tries to convince her not to and uses as a benchmark that if Rachel can find one person who agrees with her, that she would then give her permission for Rachel to do it. It's pathetic when 'Friends' can be used as a life lesson.

There isn't one person I talk to about Mr.Aloof who isn't in some way thrilled about what I've done. In a supportive way, mind you. I haven't spoken to a single person who disagrees in any way with what has happened. So why does it feel so crappy?

I know that this will all pass in time. I know that even yesterday I wasn't missing him so much. It comes and it goes and it probably will for a while, until the going is most of the time and the coming is minimal. It just frustrates me so much that it had to be like this. It angers me that someone could be so screwed up that they can't deal with life in a grown up or adult manner. And I suppose part of me takes it personally that somehow I failed- that I couldn't make it work, that I couldn't fix it, and that somehow this is my fault.

I know it's not really like that. I did everything and more. I just don't understand why it wasn't enough. Why it couldn't be enough. And I do miss him. Not the shitty bits. Never that. But the conversation. The just being there, even if it was mostly in an electronic format. And I miss the hope and the promise even though that was the part that did the most damage. I miss knowing someone who shared that part of me. Who seemed to understand that part of me. It's a rare thing. A special thing. And it was treated like so much garbage. Why?

I know you never get the answers to 'why'. And I know that I need to get to the point where 'why' doesn't bother me so much. But it really does. Like picking at a sore wound. I want to scream "Why? Why? Why? Why?". And I want an answer. But of course, I know this is only because I feel that if I only knew why, I could fix it and make it better maybe.

It's all about the hope. And losing it.

What is that saying? That the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. Because the opposite of caring about something so much- whether that's positive or negative, is simply not to care about it at all.

I still care. And I will for a while. And even when I think I don't, I will from time to time. Until one day, truly, I won't- because I won't remember. I know this because it is how it's been with the other loves in my life. Three of them come to mind. Who were once so important and everything to me. Now I think of them in such a distant way and there is no emotion there whatsoever. So I know that this is what happens. But it does take some time.

Still. Time is passing. There has been no word. And every day passed is another day further distant. And I'll get there, eventually.

Keeping Count

For a long time i never kept 'a list' because there really wasn't any need to keep track of so few people. But I've actually gotten to the point where I can't call my magic number to mind straight away by easy mathematics. And so, for my own benefit and memory, a list.

Y, A, J, P, B, N, B, S

This is why I need to make a list. I almost forgot one. I still feel it's a very short list. Particularly if I consider that over half of that number were generally no more than singular incidents.

I'm not counting the girls. I don't think they particularly count. If I was going to count girls, there would only be one that I officially counted and even then I'd find it questionable. But the girls are still a short enough list I can call it to mind without assistance.

This Afternoon

I am missing him. And feeling like a gigantic bitch.

*sigh*

No word. Upon rereading my 'this is what's going on' email.... I could easily see how that might lead him to never contact me again.

Of course, that just proves my point. That he is incapable of caring about anything beyond himself. For him to let me in, for him to acknowledge his role in all this, for him to apologize to me- this would mean his world would crumble. This is the point. This is why I had to do what I did.

But this afternoon, I'm just missing him and feeling like I'm somehow at fault.

Not Quite Working

I don't usually write from work for any number of reasons. The main one being that our Internet use is monitored and you never know when it's going to get looked at. So I tend to just avoid it.

But I'm having such trouble focusing today.

I'm trying to finish a report that I should have finished Friday. It's just past lunch now and I haven't finished it yet. I figure maybe an hour or so. But I'm dragging. I feel like I can't complete anything. I think I've always had this problem. I start things with good intentions and then I just get bored. Of course this is work- it's not about being into it or being bored. But still, I feel like it's just taking forever.

So a break perhaps.

Not that there's much to talk about. Got my hair cut yesterday which I'm happy about. No more grey. And no more mushroom head. These are good things. The weekend overall was okay. Out to some markets and stuff. Though the weather wasn't the most friendly. It kept raining every time I needed to go outside. Actually this has continued today. I am not amused.

So being back in London isn't exciting me. Being at work isn't exciting me. Social life isn't exciting me. My house isn't exciting me. Pretty much there is nothing going on right now that I'm particularly interested in or excited about. Everything just feels very 'blah'. While it's all possibly related to things with Mr.Aloof, I'm not even sure that's entirely at fault (and speaking of which- no word so far, maybe never again, we'll see).

I was thinking this morning about getting some counseling. Though with the things I'd want to talk about- mostly personal interactions with people and relationships and stuff, I'd need to find a bdsm friendly counselor and they don't tend to advertise in this way. Still, I found a couple who might be useful, so maybe I'll send them emails. It's just an expense I'm not entirely sure I want to put out at the moment. And I'm also not entirely sure what questions I would want to pursue. Though I can think of a couple. We'll see.

I've also been having a lot of headaches lately. I wonder if this is from being back at work. I think it's strange because I almost never get headaches. And I've been getting one at work every day for the past week. It's a bit disturbing but I'm sure everything is all related.

I mean that's how it works isn't it? It's all related. It's not rocket science, not really.

Maybe it'll pass in a bit. Or maybe I have to go find someone to talk to. Maybe I'll wait a little bit and see.

Changes Part Two

What I wrote before, it stuck with me this morning. I think what's bothering me is that I feel bad that I sent this email that could be construed as mean. I mean, here he was, Mr.Aloof, asking if I was okay, knowing something was wrong and in his selfish way just being worried about me.

And I threw shit all over him.

Of course the shit I threw all over him was the truth.

And he's been throwing shit of his own making all over me for years.

And it's the key difference between us I think. It makes me feel awful to consider that I'm being mean. It makes me feel bad about myself to get angry and to say hurtful things, even though those things are completely true. Even though maybe those things needed to be said. I feel like a terrible person for saying them because I know they are hurtful and I know that even if he never lets me know, it will have upset him.

And he thought everything was fine, and was worried about me.

And it makes me feel like a total bitch.

I keep having to say to myself over and over again that he's been so hurtful to me so many times and never given it a second thought. And while I have been angry at him fairly regularly over the time we've known each other, and probably have said hurtful things about every 3 to 4 months, and every single time it has made me feel like a horrible person which doubles my pain. First the pain of being hurt originally and then the self inflicted pain of being what I perceive as a mean person.

And I sit here and feel awful about being put in this position and about feeling like I have no other option than to act this way.

This is something that plagues me. Truly plagues me.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard back from him yet. Every minute I change my mind. Do I want to hear from him or not? Am I afraid of what he might say to me or not?

I think I'm preferring the silence at the moment and sort of hope it lasts for a little while. Though in saying that, I feel like all of how this story has gone so far, it's just not going to go that way.

Changes

Was the title of an email I sent to Mr.Aloof today. In response to his inquiring this morning by text about what was wrong. That was unpleasant. Because I didn't hold anything back. And he was only asking because he could tell something had changed and was different. And of course he didn't think it had to do with him, he just expressed concern for me.

Guess that was a surprise.

I wonder if I'll hear from him again.

God this sucks.

I suppose it's good that every single person I talk to, every single friend I have is reinforcing that this is the right decision. Not one solitary person has suggested that I shouldn't break free of this. I guess part of me listlessly wishes someone would. Just to stop me from feeling so horrible about it.

It's really just sad. I wrote in my email today that I needed to withdraw and to limit the amount of exciting and engaging moments that we shared, because if we have too many then I trick myself into believing in him, and trusting that he will follow through with the things he says. Then it dawned on me that this is his entire life. That he is so afraid of getting hurt, that he learned this lesson somewhere in life, that he can't let anything get too close to him. He can't care about anything because if he did it could hurt him. When did that happen? And how?

It's so.... sad. And depressing. I hate being this way so much with him. I can't imagine a life where one acted like this with everyone. And yet the more I think about it, the more I believe that's exactly what he does.

Fuck.

I hate him for being so... almost what I want. I despise that anyone could fit me so well and inspire me and then be so goddamn flawed. And in the same breath that I hate him, I forgive him. Because I see the potential. And I weep for it.

Literally.

Too many tears shed for this. Which only reinforces that this is the only way. I'm sad for what I lost and for what I never had. But it will get better and pass eventually.

Short Rest

I have a bunch of stuff I need to do tonight. First and foremost is my next article which requires a little bit of online research. I think. If I write about who I think I'm going to write about. Otherwise it requires some reading and some scanning at the office tomorrow. But I'm leaning towards the online version.

Distance making with Mr.Aloof going along as planned. I've had some moments in both directions but at the moment I'm calm and still very committed to my intentions. I think he knows that something is different but he's not really with it enough to work out what it is. Plus, he doesn't realize that when I start to act like him, it's not normal, it's actually wrong. So he hasn't mentioned anything about it yet and I continue to be polite but distant. He sent me an email yesterday. I'll reply tomorrow.

Work has been busy this first week back. I'm cranking to get a report together by the end of the day tomorrow. It's mostly done now except for one chapter which really just involves formatting a bunch of information I have on email into the report format. So that should go okay.

Looking forward to the weekend. I'm getting my hair cut and colored. A few people have commented on how long it is at the moment, but also how much they like it long. The last time I tried to explain to my hairdresser that I wanted to keep some of the length, he still cut it too short. So I'll see how it goes this time but if it comes out less than exceptional again, I may need to reconsider who cuts my hair. Which would be a shame because he's done such a great job in the past. I'm looking forward to covering my grey however. Starting to get sparkly up there.

I need to get some dinner together. I'm torn between various options and also the whole 'ease' factor. I'm still not sure what I'm going to make. I don't think I'm that hungry so maybe something light. Or maybe just some basmati rice with pine nuts and onions and spices. That's sounding particularly easy and tasty at the moment.

Anyway, that's the quick update about what's going on around here. This first week back has just flown past. But at least I feel more like I'm settling in.

How Long

Does it take a selfish person to recognize that something in their world has changed?

Mr.Aloof sent me two emails today. And he's online right now. I should point out, that he's never online. Never ever. And in the rare instance when he is, he usually just pops on and pops off. But he's been online for hours.

Does he notice? Has he recognized that something has changed?

And of course his email, his second email, was personal and interesting and interested in what's going on with me. And all I wanted to do was reply. And have the friend that I wish that he was. But I didn't. I'm waiting. I'll reply maybe at the end of the day tomorrow. Or Wednesday morning.

It's painful. It's not who I am. I'm not this complicated. I'm not a game player. But it isn't really about playing a game. It's about changing a relationship. It's not that I'm doing this now in the hopes that he will 'improve' and we can 'get back to things'. I mean sure, part of me wants that, part of me has always wanted that. But it's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to change what we have without having the big ugly implosion that we would otherwise have had.

Still, I haven't said what I'm doing. I have just made the decision that this is how it's going to be. And I wonder if he's noticing. I wonder if he wonders where I am, and why I haven't been as responsive. And in all the time I've been writing this he's still online. Hours. Is he hoping perhaps? Or perhaps I'm reading it wrong. And really I guess it doesn't matter.

Although it does matter if he decides to ask me about it. I need to think about what I'm going to say without being inciteful. I need to stay calm. And I need to stay in control. Until it feels natural and it doesn't hurt like this. I wonder how long that will be?

Snow in April

Do I really need to say more? When I left New York it was balmy and lovely and I wasn't even wearing my coat.

I get back.... and it's snowing.

What
the
fuck.

Goodbye Home, Hello Home

Well, I'm a bit queasy truth be told as my flight is tonight. I hate flying a million times over. I would do anything to be free of this phobia. In some ways it's better when I leave. Maybe because I'm so distracted wherever I go that I don't have too long to think about the upcoming flight as opposed to when I go places I have many days where it is the target thing on my mind.

The trip has been good overall. Not too many arguments with my mom. Got to see my friends, though not quite as often as I would have liked. Went on a shopping spree as per usual and am coming home with some great new clothes for summer that I'm excited about. As well as some books and cds and dvds. So that's all very exciting. I just need to get through this flight and get myself home which will be a small torture. I hate lugging luggage through the city, but that's the price of an overseas shopping spree. I came with one bag and I'm leaving with two.

And it's an auspicious day. An old friend of mine and his wife are having their second child, perhaps even as I type this, or maybe the babe is here. That's pretty exciting. And the weather is beautiful. The sun is shining and it feels like spring.

So I have to leave all of this behind me now and pick up on my other life. It's always strange to return after some time away. Particularly when that time away includes slipping into my alter ego of daughter and New Yorker and all of those things that define me here that aren't present in England.

And there will be things with Mr.Aloof ongoing. We've emailed a bit since I've been here. I've made myself wait 2-3 days before replying to his emails. Of course, he replied straight away. And in his last email invited me down to Brighton. At first I was unnerved- I knew this would come up and I wasn't sure what to do. But after a couple of days I decided I would reply politely to the rest of his email (as I've been doing) and just ignore the invite as he has ignored any number of my entreaties or invitations for years. This was actually really difficult to do because I don't have the anger inside of me that I had before. I don't have any of the strong emotion that helps carry you through a decision. But I have to keep reminding myself that it just isn't worth it and I don't like how he treats me. It's not worth a night or two of fun, as much as I want to feel that way, the price is too high. So we'll see. It's really not easy and I keep wanting to say 'but...' in my head... except that can't happen. The only way through this is perseverance. And yeah, it sucks.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friends though. They've all been a bit quiet this trip. But it will be cool to see everyone. And I feel motivated to go do some stuff that I've been thinking about, whether that be sign up for some classes or go to a live drawing event or go for a swim at the lido. I'm sure that sort of motivation won't last, but I guess what I mean to say is that I feel refreshed which is what a good vacation should do for you. So that's positive.

Anyway. Next post on London time.