Particularly Personal

I have avoided for some time talking about relationship things here in any detail. Mostly because I find them confusing. Or to be more accurate, I find the relationships I have managed to get myself in to be confusing.

Not the other couple really. They are truly serving their purpose as a distraction only and a non-emotional entanglement. And that is a good thing.

See, even now I'm avoiding being direct. It's Mr.Aloof. It's how I feel about Mr.Aloof and what I need to do about it.

We had a bit of a tiff again recently, as we always do. And I got frustrated and annoyed, as I always do. And now we aren't talking, which is also not particularly abnormal though I suppose my lack of talking to him is, but I doubt he realizes it since he spends long stretches not talking to me.

I've tried to keep it all under control and to be sensible about how I feel, which never works. And I had an email conversation with S before I left which I have saved because I thought it was a very succinct description of how our relationship and personalities have interacted and how it is not going to change and how it is not healthy.

I wish that Mr.Aloof followed through on the things he said to me. I wish that he was trustworthy in that, when he suggests something or says something, he keeps to his word. But he's not. And he also doesn't really care about anyone else's feelings. Not in a conscious way, but in a purely selfish and unconscious way. And S even pointed out to me that his relationship, which I would never in a million years consider a healthy relationship or anything resembling a 'partnership' is actually probably appropriate because she is as selfish and self centered as he is and so as much as they care about each other, they don't really. And neither one minds when the other is absentee because they are too absorbed in themselves.

I'm detouring. What's important in all of this is that I am trying to hold onto the conclusion that Mr.Aloof, for as much wonderful and exciting and exhilarating and creative potential that he represents, is not, and cannot be that person in real life. And the person I am attracted to, and I will even go as far as to say the person I love is a person who doesn't really exist. I love what I see he could be, but I don't really like who he is. And I keep holding on hoping that he'll see his own potential one day too. Or at least follow through and be what I would consider a better person.

And this is a fruitless pursuit.

I need to ease myself from the grasp of this attraction.

I can't say that I can cut him out of my life. Because I know I cannot do this. And I don't like to say things that I know at the outset is a lie. But I do need to distance myself from him. From his life. From what he says that he offers but never delivers. I need to move on.

And even this is hard. Even in this commentary I wonder if I can hold true to what I am saying- because I am someone who holds to my word and does exactly what I say I will do. And I know I need to do this. And it is my current intention to try and do this. But it's hard.

I got an email from toy today. First time she has ever written to me. Right when I am trying to do this (not that she would know anything about it). And it was on Facebook and I looked at her profile and saw that it listed her as 'engaged' and I immediately got cross that he's never mentioned to me that they're engaged. My emotions surged. And I realized I need to let it go.

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.

It doesn't matter to me. I need to let it go.

It's hard though.