Four Day Weekend

I took the day off work. So far I have spent most of it sleeping. S is coming over so we can have lunch together and hang out a bit. I think she should be here soon actually. I'll make this short.

I'm feeling a little bit better than the total destruction I felt earlier in the week, but I'm still obsessing somewhat badly. It's funny, on Saturday, after my therapy appointment what I thought I wanted to bring up with the therapist this week was my obsessive nature. How little did I know that it would surge to the surface in such a dramatic way.

I can't stop having made up conversations with Mr.Aloof in my head. Or the others who are involved. I keep repeating portions of what I have already said to him, turning the phrases over in my mind again and again. This process is not helpful. It doesn't make me feel better, and I have real trouble stopping it.

Mostly though now, I feel more numb to the whole thing. As if my brain has shut down a portion of itself for self-preservation. That's fine. I don't mind that. And it's helping with other aspects of life. I'm simply not thinking about the new cyst at all. I mean really, at all. I'll deal with it when I have my next appointment and with what they say to me when they say it.

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Okay, now it's the end of the day. I put this on hold as S turned up. We spent a good portion of the day talking about Mr.Aloof and me (of course). I teared up a number of times. It's just so difficult not to blame myself. Not to take his rejection and lack of ability to give me what I wanted as proof that I am irreversibly unlovable. I mean, I felt like that before of course, but to find out that they were seeing someone else all this time? Giving her everything that we had talked about me having with them? How does one not take that as proof of personal failure? There must be something wrong with me, otherwise he could have loved me.

The point is, this is how I feel. I understand that it's not particularly sensible. I understand that if I looked at another friend in a similar situation I would rail against the horrible person who treated them so badly and refuse to consider that it was the fault of my friend (this situation has happened before, so it's not that hard to imagine). But I cannot make the same mental leap for myself. For me, I blame myself. I see this rejection as absolute proof as my unsuitability and worthlessness.

So why did I hold out for so long? Perhaps to never face up to that fact. If ever he had changed his ways or come around to being good to me all of the time, instead of rarely, then it would have proved to me that I was not worthless. Instead, I put up with shit behavior for far too long and in the end, I feel like a failure just the same.

Fucking mess.

Therapy tonight. And three days left of the weekend. Thank god.