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Today there are many things on my mind. In no particular order...
- Although I took my last pill on Saturday, my period only showed up today (yes, I thought I'd start with the worst first). This annoys me and confuses me. I'm supposed to take my first pill on Sunday. Usually that means all bleeding stops. So that would mean I have a three day period. Not exactly normal. Perhaps before I freak out and worry, I should just see how it goes next month.
- There is some irritation way in the very back of my gum on the right hand side. It's sore and painful and annoying. I've been using Cordosyl for two days now, and it's not better yet. That leaves a nasty taste in the mouth and does weird things to your taste buds. After the weekend it will either be getting better and I will be happy, or it will be much worse and I will need to go to the dentist. At the moment, it's just a huge annoyance.
- My stomach is grumbling and I'm hungry. This will be resolved in about thirty minutes when I will hopefully be chowing down on some lunch.
- This weekend I have assorted plans with different people. Which should be fun. But busy. When will I get a chance to clean and do laundry? Uh oh....
- Tonight I'm supposed to meet SA out for his leaving drinks thing with his office. I hope it's not raining.
- Because I've worked until ten the past two nights, I'm not inclined to work very hard today, and yet I have a bunch of things that I need to get done. So I really shouldn't put them off because that will make Monday very unpleasant.
- I started knitting following a pattern. I'm so excited to actually follow a pattern. All I want to do is knit right now. Screw everything else.
- Speaking of screwing. There's none of that in my future. I'm feeling pretty edgy again about not even having prospects. I need to get out and make more of an effort. I'm debating the idea of hitting some of the fetish clubs in town, but I'm not at all sure about that approach either. Still, there's been a huge lack of bondage, beating, and fucking this year and that really needs to change.
- Note on the above- but not with over-eager married men that are currently trying it on.
Fucking hormones fucking hormones fucking hormones.
I should pay attention to this. Part of the whole reason for going back on the pill was to try and get a handle on my mood swings. I'm doing okay I think, I just feel maudlin or morose which is perhaps better than aggressive and snappish. Still, depressed isn't necessarily a desirable alternative.
Still, there are things that can cut through the gloom. Someone told me this today because I asked them for their opinion. It made me smile and feel not so defective for a moment.
"levels of strangeness...
well, i can tell you that i've encountered strange in my time- to the extent i could write a considerable definition of the word.
you are not possibly, the average round-about-town girl...
you have tastes in terms of sexuality that are not for everyone.
you are intelligent to the top 10-percent-of-the-population-degree i would say.
you are sweet, yet sure of yourself.
you need someone who can handle that your femininity is not the miss stilettos kind, but behavioral and devoted.
it's sad that too many men are shallow to the degree that this lacks appeal.
it is also the case that a lot of guys would find intelligence and a forthright sense of opinion to be threatening, and be often defensive towards it."
Yeah. You probably know who wrote it. And no, it doesn't mean anything that way. I'm going to go back to listening to my Simon & Garfunkel now.
For me it's a really bad sign when I am dreaming about work. That's how I woke up this morning. Dreaming about the work I need to do and all my responsibilities. That wasn't very nice.
So this week is going to be pretty brutal. I have lots of work to do and a Thursday evening deadline. It's seriously nose to the grindstone time.
This happens to coincide with my period starting. So that really won't be adding anything pleasant to my stress.
On Tuesday night they are showing the season finale of Lost. So I'm absolutely going to be home for the double bill. That's at least something to look forward to, but it's still something I'm going to schedule in.
Honestly it's just that I have so much to do this week, that everything else is just slipping off my radar. I'm worried that I'm going to make it through in one piece. Fingers crossed.
At least I have something on Sunday to look forward to. Maybe I'll talk about that later.
There were lots of things I was going to do today but now, at 10:30, I don't think I'm going to do any of them. I'm tired. And stressed. And my ass hurts- and not in a good way. Stupid broken tailbone again. I was going to go to 100% Design today at Earl's Court, but it's a long way to go, I don't have anyone to go with, and I really can't be bothered. Even if the weather looks lovely.
It could be that I'm suffering from PMS. Tomorrow is my last pill in my pack, so it would make sense. Of course, this is the first month I'm on these particular pills, so it's hard to tell. Otherwise, these pills have been far better than the last set I tried, no breakthrough bleeding at all. Just a regular seeming schedule and cycle so far. Thank fuck for that.
Actually, I must be having some sort of PMS. I've also been cursing up a storm.
Work is pissing me off. It's been extremely stressful this week, which wouldn't otherwise bug me except that since I had the conversation with GT about how the company really doesn't value me, I haven't really been motivated to give them anything at all. Then I went to dinner with EG who reminded me that the office only rewards people who give up their lives and work insane hours. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. For fucks sake, I just need to leave.
Friends behaving badly also isn't winning any favors at the moment. I know that it's all a bad situation, but you know what, it's not my bad situation. And I don't have to be involved. I have high expectations for improvements next week. That's probably a mistake.
I've been feeling lonely. I know this is because I was talking to Mr.Aloof and he just disappeared, and even though even our talking didn't mean anything (we had no plans to meet up), I recognize that what I get from it is just a level of comfort. And I miss it when it goes away and I want it if not from him, from someone else. Which isn't bad actually, because it suggests that I need to be more active again in looking. So that's fine. I can do that. Still, motivation from loneliness isn't maybe the best reason. I need to find some happy medium. I despise feeling either desperate (even though I don't think I really am) or dependent (which again I don't think I am) because I view those as incredibly unattractive qualities.
Half an hour gone and I feel no more interest in going to Earl's Court than I did earlier. Maybe I'll go sign up at the gym. I think I would like that. Still, even such a simple task seems overwhelming and daunting at the moment. I may not get it done. I don't fucking care.
Last night I went to see Les Ballets de Trockadero de Monte Carlo with tlsd, MR, and MO. The show was fantastic. I think I had read something about it a very long time ago. All I have to say was super good times. And, because we were in the second row, I got a good look at lots of very muscular man legs in very tight tights. Hehe.
Part of what made the ballet fun was the exaggeration and 'camp' thrown into what is actually more traditional dance. Ballerinas gossiping and arguing and slipping and tripping added the comedic edge to what was an impressive display of dance, which included very tall men en pointe, which was almost frightening.
So the ballet was good. After which all four of us went to this Japanese restaurant by Holborn Station. So far so good, though to keep the story correct, it's sort of important to interject here that everyone had been drinking.
Anyway, dinner was good, though it was clear that MR was pretty toasted. But that was okay, and conversation and things were moving on in the usual random fashion as people dug into their yummy vegetable tempura, really unusual sushi rolls and pieces, and other assorted Japanese goodness.
Then I went to the bathroom.
I sort of wish I hadn't gone to the bathroom, but I really had to pee. MO had already gone and I got down there laughing to myself at the karaoke I could hear coming from the private room that was downstairs with the toilets as well as the clear plastic toilet seats with the colorful fish embedded in them. I was already planning my amusing commentary for when I got back upstairs. I flushed. I washed my hands. I was on my way out the door... when tlsd walked in.
"It's all over, the friendship is over, Australia is over, I can't take this fucking shit anymore!"
What the.... I was very confused. I was still thinking about the fish on the toilet seat. "What? What just happened?"
I could go on to describe each moment of the evening but I think it's better if I cut to the morning when I called MO just to let her know what had happened (I had gotten a text) and also to get the unbiased story (as MO doesn't really know either of them that well). MO said pretty much what I expected. MR went in with some snarky comment about vacuuming to which tlsd responded badly, which exacerbated MR who continued to hammer and escalate the conversation. In MOs version, each statement made didn't have much to do with the one before it and upped the ante until MR was just going off on the cats and how they smell and shed hair and tlsd said, "Well, if you don't like it that much, then move out.", to which MR responded, "Oh fine tlsd, that's a great response. Everything is over, the friendship is over, just make it all over."
Huh. MO was a bit horrified by the whole thing, but at the time put a good face on it. She said obviously there were way deeper issues and problems being dragged up because she could barely follow the venom. I told her that was pretty much the case.
But anyway, after what MR said, that's when tlsd went down to the toilets, and that's when I saw her. And when I was back and she was back, conversation had stopped, because the damage was already done (or so I thought).
All I did was go pee!
So we paid up and got ready to go and MR said she was going to the toilets and that we should go home and she'd see us all tomorrow. MO and I said, "Are you sure?" and she reiterated that we should go on, and she'd see us tomorrow and yes.
So we leave.
Tlsd wanted to wait for her, but that didn't seem like a good idea. First of all, she'd said to go, and secondly, they weren't in any fit state to be together. So both MO and I thought it was a pretty good idea for tlsd to head on home and MR would follow later so they could have some space apart. We had to convince her twice to move on. She kept saying MR didn't know how to get home (though we were close to a tube station and the bus stop, and even if she didn't, it would have been easy to figure out) and also she said to leave.
The whole bus ride home I talked to tlsd about how these situations escalate. About how the living together is tense. About how they don't really reset themselves to 'fine' but more like 'just before the explosion'. And that this was all clearly alcohol fueled and sort of silly and pointless and the best thing she could do was just let it go and not make a big deal out of it.
That's when she got the bad text. MR saying how the friendship was over, how she was moving out tomorrow, how tlsd was selfish and horrible. I thought to myself, how the hell did we get to that from vacuuming? But we were right at tlsds stop so she got off and I decided to call MR myself just to say, calm down, and I thought that text was a bit over the top.
And she was hysterical. And screaming. And clearly upset. Upset that tlsd had left her. Upset that tlsd had told her to move out. And I instantly felt bad because MO and I had insisted that tlsd leave, because MR said so. So I tried to tell her this. I said, "Look, I take full responsibility but MO and I made tlsd leave twice. She wanted to wait for you and was concerned about you but you had said to go and we thought it would be better if you were apart and we made her go, she didn't want to go, and you can't hold that against her, that's our fault."
But she was inconsolable. She was just screaming into the phone. I couldn't understand half the things she was saying actually, but was glad to at least get out of her that she was at least on the bus.
Then I called tlsd. I told her what happened. I repeated my story. I again took responsibility for encouraging her to leave. Tlsd was upset because that helped explain the leap in MRs attitude from mildly upset to wildly upset. But it didn't really fix anything. Because they're both on such short fuses and it doesn't take anything to make it explode. It's just consistent and battering.
And horrible to watch.
I mean really horrible to watch. Earlier in the evening at dinner MR was going on about how she loved tlsd and was so happy they'd been friends for 10 years. And to go from the one extreme to the other, it's sad. It's worse than sad, it's horrible. It's one of the worst things that can happen, when good friendships go wonky. And I hate watching them hammer at each other and fuel the all consuming fire, even when neither of them really want it to happen they can't really seem to stop it either.
It just wasn't cool. Just a couple weeks and they're both away. Just a couple weeks and everything changes. When they're back, MR can look for her new flat, and once she moves out into her own space and new life I firmly believe that things can calm down and get back to normal. 
During the Open House, at the Ann Taylor Children's Centre, I was very pleased by the architecture. However, I was even more pleased by some person who carefully arranged the toys....
In reality, aside from a few key facts, things have been going reasonably well these days.
With no tests to study for or upcoming trips home, I don't have the pressure weighing down on me.
Now that work has made it clear they don't value me, funny enough I'm being given even more responsibility. Won't those fuckers just cry and cry then, when I actually leave.
There was the evening fiasco with Mr.Noshow but I'm feeling a renewed vigor to hit the dating scene again and have been talking to at least one person that could have potential. I need to get on top of it all and pursue some others. And I'm feeling the energy needed to do so, so that's good.
Oh, and I got a haircut and color yesterday which made me exceptionally pleased.
I'm even feeling the motivation to start going back to the gym. So why the deterioration you may ask?
Because the one thing that is bringing my mood crashing down is the emergency of my chronic skin disease on my face. I'm far more used to it breaking out on my hands. In fact, this has been it's more common course the past two years with only smaller breakouts on my face. But this seems to have been building now for two weeks and I'm well into having an unpleasant go of it. The skin around my mouth and on my eyes is red, itchy, and inflamed. Which of course makes me feel like a leper because everyone can see that something is wrong with me. Either that or I just get asked a lot of I've been crying or if I'm okay or if I'm sick. Which is really shitty if you consider everything I listed above. I'd like to be happy right now, or at least generally content. But every minute of every hour of every day I'm being tormented by my skin. That's so unfair.
Now I don't know what the heck is going on with dear X's blog today. It just disappeared really, and that freaks my shit out. It's always bothered me a bit, keeping the blog, how it could all just disappear, and how it meshes with my regular handwritten journals. So I decided on a plan of action many months ago, but have just recently set that plan into action.Basically, I am going through my blog from the beginning and transferring it into an InDesign document that I will then hopefully have printed out and bound so that I can add it to my box of journals. Of course it will run concurrent with my current journal, but at least that way I will feel that there is some record of it in the correct place. Ideally I want to get to the place where I am up to date, so that every time I do a new entry, I just drop a copy of it into my working document, and I don't have to worry about 'what will happen to my blog'.
I almost forgot to share with you all that my mom called on Sunday to let me know I passed exam number six! I'm a whole 2/3 an architect now, only three more exams to go! At least I don't have to worry about those until next year... and worry about them I shall. No more multiple choice for me, it's onto the graphics divisions. Still, I have four years and seven months to pass all three. I think I can handle that.
I have ten minutes to snap out some commentary about last night. Ten minutes because I need to go to work then, and ten minutes because I want to just get it out, and then really not speak of it again. Except of course I will, but you know what I mean.
When I try to think of words to describe my evening, the ones that pop up first are 'disaster' and 'fiasco' and 'disappointment'. Where the third is probably the closest and the first two are more sensationalist, you get the drift.
Left work early to make my preparations for the evening, still merrily going along, looking forward to my evening of fun and frivolity.
Took off from my place at just the right time to get there right on time. After a minute or two, met Mr.Noshow who had gotten a bit lost. A bit wierded out by dungeon being in flatblock, but hey, go with it.
Get up there, meet the owner who shows us around. It's nuts in a surreal way. So much stuff! Exceptionally clean. Diverse. Overwhelming (cue foreshadowing background music here).
Mr.Noshow and I walk around examining everything for a bit, then he asks me to go get changed, which I do.
The evening begins down the expected path, but as time passes it's clear Mr.Noshow is perhaps agitated. (cue musical punctuation and buildup) Then perhaps stressed. (cue musical accent, increase volume) Then finally becoming paranoid and suspicious. (music swells to crescendo) After what can only amount to some okay play and a halfhearted fuck, it's clear we must end our evening. He's really freaked himself out about things.
So we get dressed and talk some more and then call the owner so we can check out and leave. Who was nothing but gracious and nice. Mr.Noshow drove me home. And that's pretty much all there is to the story.
I need to find myself a new guy. The impulse to force Mr.Aloof into a playdate now is worryingly strong.
It's been so long...
Seriously though. A huge part of any bdsm based play is the build-up. The mental foreplay if you will. All the little comments that hint at what could happen and what might be in store. I would almost go so far as to say it's a huge part of play in general, but then that sort of discounts play that happens in clubs or similar temporary venues. So this sort of build-up is not a necessity, but rather, I think, one of those things that makes playtime with someone you know better, or have longer access too, different.
As Monday evening gets closer, little texts and emails from Mr.Noshow have been on the rise. Some are explicit and some aren't, but they all serve to set the mood and heighten anticipation. And I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Of course it heightens my awareness of impending events. Sets the body all a-tingle. Most excellent.
Unfortunately there's a tiny little dark spot on my enjoyment, because Mr.Noshow, though someone I have now known two years and consider a friend of sorts, will never be able to top me the way I would like. Not to sound like a snotty bitch, but he's just not quick enough. He's too easy to manipulate. And while there are many debates in bdsm circles about 'topping from the bottom', I really just mean that he can't keep up with me all the time, so I have to tone down my own behavior for it all to work. And that just takes a little bit of the shimmer out of it. Even still, I know it will be lots of fun, as long as I set certain bits of myself aside, and never express the above sentiment to him, and that's okay.
The only other thing that is lacking is that Mr.Noshow has a fairly focused desire for bdsm activities and they don't stray very far from the base. For example, bondage really doesn't seem to be his thing so much, unless it's bondage in the context of his interests which is more the 'disciplinarian' scenario. So if I act up a bit, he might use restraints to keep me from moving about, but it will be restraint because of my actions, not restraint for the sake of restraint. Which means there will definitely be no ropework involved. Which is a shame a bit, because having experienced ropework now, all I want is more!
It doesn't necessarily help with all my musings and thinking about things, that this morning I read a nice little blog about Violet Blue and Monk, him showing her a little bit of what he can do. What was even better than the description however, was the video. Because it shows two things I adore. First, laughter and smiles. Because that's something I can completely identify with. In fact, watching the clip, I found that I was grinning. Sometimes it gets forgotten that this stuff is fun. So I really liked the... reality of that. And second, the struggle. Granted it was just a little bit of struggle, and a bit late in the tie for her to really have any chance of doing much. Still, that's also a part of restraint that appeals to me, from the sub position. That you really are under someone else's control. Hm..... yum!
*insert time-lag here for daydreaming*
And on a completely unrelated note, my fingers still smell of garlic from the yummy spinach/tomato/onion/white bean/garlic Italian dish I made last night.
Is it wrong to call yourself a 'girl' when you are 32. I'm sure I'm not the only person to have ever remarked on the lack of a middle phrase for young women. In the same sense that there are 'boys', 'guys', and 'men', there only seem to be 'women' and 'girls'. I suppose we could start saying 'gals' but it's really not the same now is it?
Anyway, this girl has been way too fucking busy. It's one of those bittersweet realizations that your life is very full, and so you are busy, and that's a good thing right? Except your laundry hasn't been done in two weeks, your room looks like a bomb went off, you really don't have much that would pass as 'food' in your refrigerator and you haven't slept much and you feel like you might just be ready to explode.
Since returning from Chicago, I have been busy every night except for that actual night of my arrival. In fact, this is my first non-busy night, but I'm not writing this worthless piece of poo from home, oh no, I'm writing it from work. Because due to a family related friend of my mother sort of thing emergency, I took a two and a half hour lunch and so must stay here for another twenty minutes just to make my working day. And really, I need to finish this drawing for first thing tomorrow morning. Not that it's getting done very quickly while I write this, but I just need a break.
Tomorrow another person is leaving, though not someone many people like that much, so it's not such a big deal like last week. Saturday is a birthday party event for another friend. Sunday might be free, then Monday night I'm getting my ass well beaten by Mr.Noshow at a dungeon for hire that he has rather usefully booked.
I'm looking forward to our play-date, except it's also somewhat bittersweet, as while I expect it to be good, I do not expect it to be fantastic. The sad fact of the matter is, Mr.Noshow doesn't have the capacity in his dealings with me to be fantastic. Not like Mr.Aloof. And that's a bit sad. Because I think, it's going to be good, but it could be so much better.... but for Monday at least, I'm perfectly willing to settle for 'good' and enjoy it. I was saying to SH that I think it's perfectly reasonable to go for good when you haven't had sex at all this year. That's right. No sex all year. I mean, granted I'm the girl who went through multi-year dry spells, but that all changed recently and I'm not of a mind to go back to that time. So yes. Sex, and an ass-whupping is definitely on the table, and probably tied down securely while it thrashes about and curses.
To add to all of this, I had an unfortunate conversation with one of the directors of my practice which made very clear to me that I am not valued at my firm and that basically, it's time to move on. This isn't something that needs to be rushed or sudden, but I think I should probably aim to be in another position at another firm by next year. This will take some forethought and planning and preparation, but since I know it needs to happen, I can start that now. Before I have to start studying for my next exams. Speaking of which, no results yet. I hate waiting.
