Reflecting on Thanksgiving

Today the preparations start in earnest and already it's gone a bit pear shaped. Yesterday when I went to the store to get the frozen turkey (15 pounder!!), I forgot to get the cranberries with which I was to make relish today. Then this morning, I have called the butcher who said the chickens were a bit late in being delivered so they aren't koshered yet and won't be ready until the end of the day. So my shmaltz making is now delayed.

The only thing that has gone okay so far is that I got the challah I needed yesterday and have cubed it and set it out to start drying for the stuffing. Which is important, don't get me wrong. And getting the turkey was also a big deal and it is currently sitting in my neighbors fridge because there is no room in my little one and that is also very important, so it's not that anything has gone completely and spectacularly wrong yet, but I'm worrying.

Tomorrow then, I need to make both the apple pie and the pumpkin pie(s?) and the cranberry relish. I'm still hoping to do the shmaltz today, and possibly the cranberries but we'll see.

I also need to clean up the downstairs and in fact completely rearrange it and get tables and chairs from my neighbors at some point. This dinner has turned into a seating of eleven- which is the largest sit down meal I have ever prepared, let alone a Thanksgiving one, scary!!

So in all of this however, I cannot help but think of my Aunt frequently. See, my idea of the perfect Thanksgiving is one that she prepared. The way the stuffing tasted, the way we sat around the table. It's all very specific to my family and really, my Aunt. She's been gone now just about ten years and I have to say that Thanksgiving has never, ever been the same for me since. It was always something I looked forward to and loved and when she died, it seemed like my love of the day and the food went with her. Because it just wasn't the same when my other cousins did it, or it was at someone else's house.

And I have come to realize that Thanksgiving is an extremely picky holiday for every individual. One that is shaped completely by whatever you were used to or given. It's funny to me that while most Thanksgivings are similar, in reality, they are so completely different. And you know that it's true, because if you have ever been to 'another' Thanksgiving, you probably thought to yourself, "Yeah, that was okay, but it wasn't like xx." And of course it wasn't.

So now I am starting to think that holidays are horrible things. In a way they are sort of 'for the children' but then what about when the children grow up? What about when the older key members disappear? How can a holiday represent anything but sadness while you think about all the people who are no longer with you? Although saying that, there were other relatives along the way who disappeared from my Thanksgiving before my Aunt. My grandmother for starters, and my Uncle Al and my Aunt Edith. There was Dolores and Michael- although they didn't join us for our Thanksgiving, we always saw them the next day. All of these people were gone before my Aunt, but it is my Aunt who has made the biggest impact on my memories and my sorrow. Probably because I was closest to her.

I have said before, that I believe whole heartedly that had my Aunt not died, I would not be where I am now because I would have made a fundamentally different choice about where I went to graduate school- and so much of my current life has followed on from that one choice. So her presence, or lack of presence has had a hugely influential presence in the flow of my own destiny.

But I would give all of my documented success and failures and knowledge gained up for the unknown if only I could have her back.

Even though that isn't how it works. I do miss her. I wish she could see me, and how my life has turned out. I wish she was still here as an extended part of my family network and support. Thanksgiving isn't the same for me without her, without being with her.

I miss her.