Autopilot

All the hard work paid off and I made it through interview 1 with flying colors and was invited back for interview 2. Of course, no let up on the preparation- for this interview I'm asked to make a ten minute presentation on my management of a project. At least I have a week from today to prepare (but yes, I should start immediately).

Lots of stuff mulling about my head, but no time to think about it much. I have a good ability to work well under stress and not let myself get overly sidetracked by thoughts, though the downside to this is that I have no capacity for other thoughts or distractions. I am fairly focused on the tasks I need to accomplish and can't think of much else.

Which I think makes me tremendously boring company at the moment, if had time for company that is.

Some things to note in passing however, perhaps to return to later.

I got an email from Mr.Aloof. After two months of no contact. Pointless really, he wrote to say he was thinking of me, had wanted to be in touch and had been writing me things and then deleting them- and he hoped I was well. On the plus side, I was not thrown by this, I read it, I absorbed it, and I wrote back that it was not me keeping him from saying whatever he wanted to me. And that I could not speak to him while the past was unresolved- and by unresolved I meant that he had not made an effort to explain himself or apologize yet. He wrote something back to that, saying he agreed the past needed to be resolved, but made no other suggestions or comments, so I didn't respond to that and felt fine about it. I'll hear from him again at some point. My shrink suggests he is a person who finds it difficult to let go. Which seemed ironic to me.

Another strain of thought which I am likely to return to is this feeling that for me to move jobs just now requires me to 'grow up' somewhat. Dress smarter, take on more responsibility, evoke respect. I am giving up my comfortable office of which I have grown quite acclimated to and am unlikely to find as comforting a place out there. To me, this is a massive change or shift. It means becoming more of an adult than I have deigned to do until now. But it's not a choice. My level, the positions I am applying for, demand it. I cannot help but feel however, as a bird being kicked out of the nest. I'm sure I'll fly... but standing on the precipice is daunting, especially when you aren't given a chance to get your bearings and prepare on your own time.

And on the subject of 'being judged' as is the setting of any interview or job hunt, my insecurities flair horribly, so buried under all of my current efficiency is some severe self loathing and a growing desire to get back to the gym regularly. I don't really dwell on this, it's more like a side commentary to everything I do. Good thing I don't have a lot of time for it, it just sets my internal tone.

Oh yeah, and I'm really sort of angry at my office too for this whole mess, even though they are treating me as decently as possible throughout. In just a few short weeks, I'll never come to this place, or sit at this desk again. After 5 1/2 years, that's really hard to fathom.

Now I should actually get some work done, seeing as how I have a bunch of that to do at the moment as well.