Popular Links

This idiotic blogger I know about likes to blog about what links people follow to come to their blog. Of course every time they post what the keyword was that brought someone to their blog, they are simply (and transparently) increasing the occurrence of the number of times it appears in their blog, even though half the time what they say is 'but I had nothing to say about that'.

I also keep tabs on what links people use to find this blog, but I don't see the point of posting about them generally. But I do often find it strange how people get here and sometimes I don't want to encourage it. Like I wrote about here for example, about this, probably one of the most popular things I've ever written.

Probably the second most popular thing that brings people here is this. Which I suppose they are finding in the same way I found it initially. But it's funny that my blog seems a popular place to find it.

But I'm most intrigued this evening that a very popular and recurring link to bring people here is this. Now... what has that to do with anything? I'm fairly certain based on the search parameters, that people often arrive there for the picture. Which I find odd, because I don't think it's the best image ever for that particular subject, but okay. Whatever. Then again, I find some people don't arrive for the picture. So what is bringing them to this particular post? And being curious about the post (for which I mean to say, not remembering what it was about really), I re-read it this evening and was myself struck by the persistent appropriateness of this post to my life.

Because the post still holds true. Though I am not in an emotionally strong place to be able to dig in and feel those feelings. But objectively I know that it is true. The truth does not elude me. The truth is not my problem. But the truth is my problem. I have been asked many difficult questions by friends of mine about what I'm doing. About what my expectations are.

And the truth is... I don't know. I don't hope that Mr.Aloof will become my boyfriend. For starters, he has a girlfriend, who he is completely smitten with. Secondly, we simply aren't compatible in that way for any number of reasons. And yet we are drawn to each other.

I saw him last night. We had a lovely comfortable and social outing of an evening. He kept suggesting we extend our time together. A drink at a pub, a walk further down the southbank, a coffee later. It was nice in a calm and relaxed and friendly sort of way. Though there was a moment- early in the evening. Where he was talking to me about his friend J, who I have met a couple of times and I have heard a lot about from time to time. At any rate, he was talking about J and her reclusiveness and her ongoing situation with a guy, K. And Mr.Aloof was telling me how he said to her just that day, that a person who only wants to see her once a month, who is jealous of her time with other people, and who is never there for her is not a relationship and in fact, is holding her back from finding a real and good relationship.

And I said nothing really. What could I say? I didn't want to ruin what was looking to be a nice and pleasant evening by pointing out that he could swap my name and his for J and K and it would be the same situation. And his advice to her, would be his advice to me. To get out. Which is the same thing that SH keeps saying to me.

But the truth is not my problem. Action is my problem. Confidence is my problem. And the attraction and the rush and the good feelings I get that keep me lingering- this is my problem. And it's probably Mr.Aloof's problem as well. I wish that we could talk about it, openly and honestly without him getting defensive. Without feelings getting hurt. But we can't, so we don't. And we just keep in our pattern. A roller coaster of highs and lows. That just goes around and around and isn't going anywhere at all. Right now we're at a mid-point. It's a lull. It's deceptive.

But I have no strong feelings. And without strong feelings there can be no action. I do deserve better than this. I believe that I deserve better than this. What I don't believe however, is that I will ever get it. So maybe I should just take advantage of the things that I do have on offer. Things that bring me joy as much as they bring me pain. But those things don't lead anywhere. So it's a circuitous problem.

I know that it will end one day. By definition it has to end one day.

But just because people deserve things, it doesn't mean they are ever going to get them does it?