Well the party was much fun. Lets start there. I had to drag myself into getting ready because I was just feeling tired and not really up for going out, but I got myself into the shower, and started putting my outfit together, and it helped revived my spirit. I had some oversized boy-jeans that are all ripped and bleached, then to poke out of that I had a hot pink thong with zebra striping. Over which I had a black bra and a red tank top which of course showed the black bra. On top of that I had a supersized navy blue hoodie. Three gold chains, two with charms added to the ensemble. Then I had huge gold hoop earrings and pulled my hair into a tight ponytail with straightened bangs split into two. And I finished it off with some blue green shimmer eyeshadow and some frosted lipstick.
Of course the best part of the outfit were the two dolls I picked up, one white and one black which I said were my twins, Brittany and Beyonce. So having put this outfit together, the first problem I encountered was how do I get to my friends house without being killed? Because I should point out, that living in the heart of Hackney as I do, I wouldn't look so completely out of place, but carrying around the dolls- then I'd get my ass kicked. So I sorted out that problem by tossing them in a backpack to take the bus to my friends.
The next very best thing that happened after I got off the bus and having been looked at funny by a number of people, was that I saw my friend M crossing the road to also go to the party. So I stopped and looked at her but she didn't notice me. Then she did glance at me once as she crossed the road but quickly looked away. So I stood my ground and just stared at her at which point she looked at me with a "Who do you think you are bitch and what do you want get out of my way look." before we both bust out laughing because she finally recognized who I was.
Apparently this nice Jewish girl passes for a streetwise Puerto Rican in the dark and all done up ghetto-like.
So the party was good and many of the outfits were spectacular. So that was all good really. But I wasn't feeling the best still, so I didn't drink anything except for a large glass of juice and I had a couple of the snacks here and there but didn't eat much either. Me and the little flatmate left to go home around 1:30 in the morning which was fine. And I think I was in bed by 2. Sadly, I woke up at just past 4 feeling horribly sick and needed to go throw up.
Of course, this wouldn't be so awful really except that I hadn't drank anything! That's not fair! And really it's just the culmination of a week which has seen me feeling fairly poor for most of it. Mostly it's been general nausea but also some headaches and tiredness. I managed not to throw up all week, but last night it just happened. Today I'm feeling tired again, and not particularly hungry. I've had a banana and a handful of crackers today so far and that's it (and it's 3:30). I did however manage to go out and pick up a framed piece of art that I bought from Ms.Stagg which looks awesome framed so I'm happy about that.
But really I'm supposed to be cleaning the house this weekend for my own get together next weekend. And I'm feeling run down and not great. But I don't want to take time off work, so I intend to go to work tomorrow. Which means the house needs to be cleaned up. But instead I'm doing this because I am having trouble finding the motivation and my biggest current concern is whether or not I'm hungry or not and if I am hungry what can I eat that isn't going to come back up a couple of hours later.
At least the party was fun.
27 January 2008
26 January 2008
Party Party
I'm off to a friend's party tonight. It's a 'white trash' party. It's funny though, no one here really knows what that means. So it's had to be explained as a 'chav party'. Still, it should be fun. I need to go hop in the shower actually. So time for updates tomorrow perhaps, as I get my house ready for my own social gathering next weekend.
18 January 2008
Pornalong - Initial Encounters
So last night was my first 'involved' meeting with the couple. Leaving work at six, the plan was for me to meet them at their flat at seven. Though the day got busy and he was working late, so when I did arrive at seven almost precisely, only she was home, getting out of the shower.
Now she and I have had much less contact than he and I, though my understanding is he shares my emails. So I think she was maybe slightly shy to have to interact with me all on her own. Luckily, one of the things I have learned how to be is engaging with strangers (at least one on one). So we ended up talking about all sorts of things and just being casually relaxed while waiting for him to get home.
He arrived probably around eight. We had just gotten some small dinner together- she had ordered some sushi before I arrived. And so we split it up and started eating- about and about halfway through he came home and joined us. And as with many people who have had a busy or tiring day, there was a period of unwinding. So perhaps another hour of just sitting around and talking.
Me, I was waiting to see what would happen. I think she was too for the most part. And perhaps so was he. Which creates a somewhat charged but also slow environment. Of course, I never make any moves really. Not with new people, but in general, not that much anyway. So the conversation flirted in and out of sexual topics but nothing happened for a time. And then he decided, or rather came to the conclusion, that nothing would happen unless he took charge and so he told me to come with him to the bedroom, so I did.
Positioning me kneeling on the low bed, he removed my shirts and bra and touched me, then had me lay on the bed and he touched me some more. She was getting changed into something she felt more comfortable in and I was content to be touched and see what would happen. Touching back, touching front, the occasional pinching and scratching- but generally it was just sensual and nice. And at some point my jeans were removed. And one sock.
The touching became slightly more aggressive. Not in an intimate fashion, but more in a testing of limits way. And he quickly learned that I'm a pretty strong girl. No wonder I like good bondage so much. I could without great difficulty throw him off me, or twist or bend out of the way if the sensation was too great. He did get out some belts to try and restrain me, which helped somewhat but weren't the most secure. There was some spanking and some belting and some strapping. Some of it got a bit stingy, but overall it wasn't that bad. Nothing like what Mr.Aloof dishes out or toy really.
And to my chagrin, that was what I was thinking about a good part of the time. How it was different, what the differences were, and what I preferred. Of course there were certain similarities that encouraged this mindset. He was using me as a test case to try and teach her how to touch someone, how to hit someone. And it reminded me of Mr.Aloof teaching toy. Though it didn't happen in the same way at all, I find it fascinating that I have twice been the guinea pig for a male dominant training their ostensibly submissive partner how to dominate someone else.
And then more and more clothing got removed until we were all pretty much naked on the bed, and I found that I reverted to passive submission again. Or as I sometimes consider it, observer mode. When I am unsure of situations or not entirely comfortable I find I revert to a position of no action. I have called this before my 'deer in headlights' syndrome. It's not that it's bad in my mind, it's just that I can be so overwhelmed with new information and new experiences, that I sort of shut down a bit. He and she enjoyed each others company for a while, and after a bit and with some guidance I slotted in, and that was all very pleasant and enjoyable for a time.
During which there was vaguely a discussion about levels of sex and interaction. I have never understood why the progression of sexual activity in respect to men is handjob, blowjob, sex. To me, sex is the easiest and least personal of these activities. Followed by handjob and finally by blowjob which I think is the most intimate and also intimidating act. So of course there was polite questioning about what I might do which really meant, would I suck dick and I didn't want to I guess for lack of better way of putting it. Which made me feel a bit guilty, but I wasn't getting head either, and I do sometimes think of it as a fair exchange activity. But I was getting lots of attention otherwise, even though I was giving some, I felt it probably wasn't equal and that sucks a bit.
Because I don't want to appear to be greedy or 'a taker'. But this is actually... hard for me. Of course the only way for me to work on it is to put myself in situations where I have to deal with things. And it doesn't come up very often. And I was maybe a bit shocked even at how much all the old feelings rushed back and it made me realize just how comfortable I am with Mr.Aloof (again the comparison) where I can easily explore things with him, and go further with him, than I am willing to just do with anyone. But I guess that makes sense really. Anyway, back on story.
So the result of all this is that we ended up having sex. Which was actually just.... really nice and good sex. It wasn't particularly hard or brutal sex which is what I've been getting most recently. And the difference was surprisingly pleasant. In the meantime while she was watching, she was less involved than I expected. Which wasn't a good thing or a bad thing, it just wasn't what I had thought would happen. Then we all trundled off to the bathroom as it turns out he's one of those people who I have never met in person, who feel an OCD need to take a shower after sex. Which although I find slightly odd, isn't really that bad, because I like things that are clean too.
So there was all sorts of showering going on and then they had promised to give me an orgasm torture which I had professed to be a) innocent of (which was true) and b) dubious of. Torture someone with orgasms? I really wasn't convinced. But they had a plan. So they got me positioned in the tub (though having witnessed my strength from before, declined from attaching me to the tub as they were afraid I might inadvertently break it!) but instead both of them held me in place got into position and went to work with the shower nozzle.
Thirty minutes and four orgasms later, they decided I'd probably had enough. What an interesting experience! It is quite torturous to be blasted on your sensitive parts just after climax, and to be coaxed back and back again. Add to that my personal quality of being someone that doesn't tend to lie still through such manipulations and it was just a very intense interaction.
They left me to wash up again, and when I came back to the bedroom they were having sex and I again mused to myself that I never expected in my life to just be hanging out while people had sex right next to me, while I could touch them. And it's fascinating to watch people. I mean really watch them. The way bodies bend and flex and muscles twist and clench. It's beautiful really.
So at ten past midnight I decided the best thing to do really would be to grab a cab back to my place seeing as how it wasn't too costly and it's nice to sleep in your own bed. So that's what I did. Intrigued that after such intense abuse my girly bits were practically throbbing the entire car ride. Getting myself into bed by 1am, I skipped the gym this morning and opted for an extra fifty minutes of sleep.
Today my thighs were sore in the nicest possible way and I have some bruising on my breasts which is an area that Mr.Aloof tends to ignore. So what next? The truth is I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. It was lots of fun, in the sense that, I find new things and learning about people always very fun. I think that if I see them more and we learn about each other more, then it only goes from strength to strength. Still, I recognize I don't feel a very strong connection. But then what- am I comparing this as well to Mr.Aloof? Because of course he and I have an established connection. And there is no one I will ever meet at first who will ever compare in that way. Still, there's the whole concept of effort and reward. The reward is the experience, but again, it's not leading to my long term goals. Still, the original point was distraction and experience. And I think I'm definitely having that.
Now she and I have had much less contact than he and I, though my understanding is he shares my emails. So I think she was maybe slightly shy to have to interact with me all on her own. Luckily, one of the things I have learned how to be is engaging with strangers (at least one on one). So we ended up talking about all sorts of things and just being casually relaxed while waiting for him to get home.
He arrived probably around eight. We had just gotten some small dinner together- she had ordered some sushi before I arrived. And so we split it up and started eating- about and about halfway through he came home and joined us. And as with many people who have had a busy or tiring day, there was a period of unwinding. So perhaps another hour of just sitting around and talking.
Me, I was waiting to see what would happen. I think she was too for the most part. And perhaps so was he. Which creates a somewhat charged but also slow environment. Of course, I never make any moves really. Not with new people, but in general, not that much anyway. So the conversation flirted in and out of sexual topics but nothing happened for a time. And then he decided, or rather came to the conclusion, that nothing would happen unless he took charge and so he told me to come with him to the bedroom, so I did.
Positioning me kneeling on the low bed, he removed my shirts and bra and touched me, then had me lay on the bed and he touched me some more. She was getting changed into something she felt more comfortable in and I was content to be touched and see what would happen. Touching back, touching front, the occasional pinching and scratching- but generally it was just sensual and nice. And at some point my jeans were removed. And one sock.
The touching became slightly more aggressive. Not in an intimate fashion, but more in a testing of limits way. And he quickly learned that I'm a pretty strong girl. No wonder I like good bondage so much. I could without great difficulty throw him off me, or twist or bend out of the way if the sensation was too great. He did get out some belts to try and restrain me, which helped somewhat but weren't the most secure. There was some spanking and some belting and some strapping. Some of it got a bit stingy, but overall it wasn't that bad. Nothing like what Mr.Aloof dishes out or toy really.
And to my chagrin, that was what I was thinking about a good part of the time. How it was different, what the differences were, and what I preferred. Of course there were certain similarities that encouraged this mindset. He was using me as a test case to try and teach her how to touch someone, how to hit someone. And it reminded me of Mr.Aloof teaching toy. Though it didn't happen in the same way at all, I find it fascinating that I have twice been the guinea pig for a male dominant training their ostensibly submissive partner how to dominate someone else.
And then more and more clothing got removed until we were all pretty much naked on the bed, and I found that I reverted to passive submission again. Or as I sometimes consider it, observer mode. When I am unsure of situations or not entirely comfortable I find I revert to a position of no action. I have called this before my 'deer in headlights' syndrome. It's not that it's bad in my mind, it's just that I can be so overwhelmed with new information and new experiences, that I sort of shut down a bit. He and she enjoyed each others company for a while, and after a bit and with some guidance I slotted in, and that was all very pleasant and enjoyable for a time.
During which there was vaguely a discussion about levels of sex and interaction. I have never understood why the progression of sexual activity in respect to men is handjob, blowjob, sex. To me, sex is the easiest and least personal of these activities. Followed by handjob and finally by blowjob which I think is the most intimate and also intimidating act. So of course there was polite questioning about what I might do which really meant, would I suck dick and I didn't want to I guess for lack of better way of putting it. Which made me feel a bit guilty, but I wasn't getting head either, and I do sometimes think of it as a fair exchange activity. But I was getting lots of attention otherwise, even though I was giving some, I felt it probably wasn't equal and that sucks a bit.
Because I don't want to appear to be greedy or 'a taker'. But this is actually... hard for me. Of course the only way for me to work on it is to put myself in situations where I have to deal with things. And it doesn't come up very often. And I was maybe a bit shocked even at how much all the old feelings rushed back and it made me realize just how comfortable I am with Mr.Aloof (again the comparison) where I can easily explore things with him, and go further with him, than I am willing to just do with anyone. But I guess that makes sense really. Anyway, back on story.
So the result of all this is that we ended up having sex. Which was actually just.... really nice and good sex. It wasn't particularly hard or brutal sex which is what I've been getting most recently. And the difference was surprisingly pleasant. In the meantime while she was watching, she was less involved than I expected. Which wasn't a good thing or a bad thing, it just wasn't what I had thought would happen. Then we all trundled off to the bathroom as it turns out he's one of those people who I have never met in person, who feel an OCD need to take a shower after sex. Which although I find slightly odd, isn't really that bad, because I like things that are clean too.
So there was all sorts of showering going on and then they had promised to give me an orgasm torture which I had professed to be a) innocent of (which was true) and b) dubious of. Torture someone with orgasms? I really wasn't convinced. But they had a plan. So they got me positioned in the tub (though having witnessed my strength from before, declined from attaching me to the tub as they were afraid I might inadvertently break it!) but instead both of them held me in place got into position and went to work with the shower nozzle.
Thirty minutes and four orgasms later, they decided I'd probably had enough. What an interesting experience! It is quite torturous to be blasted on your sensitive parts just after climax, and to be coaxed back and back again. Add to that my personal quality of being someone that doesn't tend to lie still through such manipulations and it was just a very intense interaction.
They left me to wash up again, and when I came back to the bedroom they were having sex and I again mused to myself that I never expected in my life to just be hanging out while people had sex right next to me, while I could touch them. And it's fascinating to watch people. I mean really watch them. The way bodies bend and flex and muscles twist and clench. It's beautiful really.
So at ten past midnight I decided the best thing to do really would be to grab a cab back to my place seeing as how it wasn't too costly and it's nice to sleep in your own bed. So that's what I did. Intrigued that after such intense abuse my girly bits were practically throbbing the entire car ride. Getting myself into bed by 1am, I skipped the gym this morning and opted for an extra fifty minutes of sleep.
Today my thighs were sore in the nicest possible way and I have some bruising on my breasts which is an area that Mr.Aloof tends to ignore. So what next? The truth is I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. It was lots of fun, in the sense that, I find new things and learning about people always very fun. I think that if I see them more and we learn about each other more, then it only goes from strength to strength. Still, I recognize I don't feel a very strong connection. But then what- am I comparing this as well to Mr.Aloof? Because of course he and I have an established connection. And there is no one I will ever meet at first who will ever compare in that way. Still, there's the whole concept of effort and reward. The reward is the experience, but again, it's not leading to my long term goals. Still, the original point was distraction and experience. And I think I'm definitely having that.
15 January 2008
I Am A Patriot
Alternate title being, why I actually never particularly wanted a British passport.
Well, first things first- this will not be an issue I have to deal with until September. I have just heard back from UK immigration who have informed me that the first visa I had here doesn't count towards my five year window. So there is really quite a bit of time between then and now, and many things could happen. So I'll return to this subject in the future most likely, but here are some thoughts for now.
I never really cared much about my citizenship or my country in particular until I moved out of it and lived somewhere else. I swear that the fastest way to make a patriot is to send them out into the rest of the world who ignorantly and enthusiastically feels free to criticize something they tend to actually know very little about.
And don't even get me started on how it's so fashionable to criticize us, but somehow everyone always wants to go there. They want to vacation there, they wish they could move there. There is a definite love hate relationship that the world has with us, as much as they are not inclined to admit it. And really, it's just unattractive.
So I moved here and I found myself in the position of somewhat frequently having to defend my country. And in doing so, I really had to think about it and arrived at the conclusion that I am actually proud to be an American as tacky as that sounds. And I support the freedoms and ethos of my nation and have come to understand that it defines me in many ways. I don't have to love my government or my foreign policy but I love my country for all of the many good things it has. And I have yet to see another country who is doing things any better. So I will continue to stand up for it against false accusation and uninformed criticism for as long as I live outside of it.
So the reality is, that while I would like the flexibility of living in this country without being tied to my job, and without worrying that if anything happened I might actually be deported, I really have no interest in becoming a citizen. Now, at first, that may seem unfair. Here I am earning money and taking a job, why shouldn't I have the responsibilities of a citizen?
Well, lets look at that. Citizenship would mean my obligation to the country would suddenly include being able to serve on jury duty, and being able to vote. But do you really want me to vote? And I already pay taxes. But as a citizen I would be eligible for the dole or other benefits. Do you want me to have those rights as well? And while I need to make an effort to stay on any other visa and work, as soon as I have citizenship, I can come and go as I please, work at whatever I like or not. In fact, I could leave, go back home, raise a family and come back here in twenty years and it would be fine. Now honestly- who gets the better deal in all of this?
Oh yeah, and I can freely move through and live and work in the EU as well.
And I didn't want any of that. Really I didn't. I just wanted to be able to stay here, pay my taxes, and get on with things. Expatriated. But they UK government doesn't appear to want me to do that. Because it's harder to do that then it is to simply become a citizen. And it's not that I'll be a bad citizen, not at all. But it's going to come down to a simple matter of convenience. But it's nothing I ever particularly wanted. I guess it's kind of cool in a way. And the benefits are pretty good. Still, when it comes to my future two passports, in my heart, one will always be first.
Well, first things first- this will not be an issue I have to deal with until September. I have just heard back from UK immigration who have informed me that the first visa I had here doesn't count towards my five year window. So there is really quite a bit of time between then and now, and many things could happen. So I'll return to this subject in the future most likely, but here are some thoughts for now.
I never really cared much about my citizenship or my country in particular until I moved out of it and lived somewhere else. I swear that the fastest way to make a patriot is to send them out into the rest of the world who ignorantly and enthusiastically feels free to criticize something they tend to actually know very little about.
And don't even get me started on how it's so fashionable to criticize us, but somehow everyone always wants to go there. They want to vacation there, they wish they could move there. There is a definite love hate relationship that the world has with us, as much as they are not inclined to admit it. And really, it's just unattractive.
So I moved here and I found myself in the position of somewhat frequently having to defend my country. And in doing so, I really had to think about it and arrived at the conclusion that I am actually proud to be an American as tacky as that sounds. And I support the freedoms and ethos of my nation and have come to understand that it defines me in many ways. I don't have to love my government or my foreign policy but I love my country for all of the many good things it has. And I have yet to see another country who is doing things any better. So I will continue to stand up for it against false accusation and uninformed criticism for as long as I live outside of it.
So the reality is, that while I would like the flexibility of living in this country without being tied to my job, and without worrying that if anything happened I might actually be deported, I really have no interest in becoming a citizen. Now, at first, that may seem unfair. Here I am earning money and taking a job, why shouldn't I have the responsibilities of a citizen?
Well, lets look at that. Citizenship would mean my obligation to the country would suddenly include being able to serve on jury duty, and being able to vote. But do you really want me to vote? And I already pay taxes. But as a citizen I would be eligible for the dole or other benefits. Do you want me to have those rights as well? And while I need to make an effort to stay on any other visa and work, as soon as I have citizenship, I can come and go as I please, work at whatever I like or not. In fact, I could leave, go back home, raise a family and come back here in twenty years and it would be fine. Now honestly- who gets the better deal in all of this?
Oh yeah, and I can freely move through and live and work in the EU as well.
And I didn't want any of that. Really I didn't. I just wanted to be able to stay here, pay my taxes, and get on with things. Expatriated. But they UK government doesn't appear to want me to do that. Because it's harder to do that then it is to simply become a citizen. And it's not that I'll be a bad citizen, not at all. But it's going to come down to a simple matter of convenience. But it's nothing I ever particularly wanted. I guess it's kind of cool in a way. And the benefits are pretty good. Still, when it comes to my future two passports, in my heart, one will always be first.
14 January 2008
Long Monday
I keep thinking it's more than Monday but it isn't. I'm just about to go to bed so I can get up to go to the gym in the morning. I didn't go this morning even though I woke up- I hadn't slept well and when I craned my neck around to look out the window and saw that it was raining, that sealed the deal and back to sleep I went.
Work is busy but I find it hard to get motivated. Still, with two Wednesday deadlines, it's not really optional. Tomorrow I am likely going to be at work late. On top of this, I need to be finishing up my next article. Too busy.
I met SH out for dinner tonight which was good. We ate at a Moroccan place I'd not tried yet. It was good. I've been very excited about my new blender and have been making smoothies. I made one for breakfast this morning and it managed to keep me satisfied until lunch which is fairly impressive. I'm going to make another one tomorrow. Smoothies are delicious.
And I had some interesting conversation with Mr.Aloof today in respect to things. I brought up the other couple since I felt that was responsible (them having been gone for a month, it hasn't been a topic of importance). But they are back and they are keen to see me and I wanted Mr.Aloof to be clear what I was up to and not to put myself in a position where I could be accused of being dishonest or irresponsible.
And that was an interesting exchange. One that may pick up again tomorrow, and may not. But I felt like we were able to talk about things we both find frustrating or difficult without having an argument or being angry or upset about it. And that felt productive. And it was also productive that he didn't give me any hassle about pursuing other interests and in fact encouraged it which was what I had wanted to begin with. So I feel better about things. And I've already told the other couple about Mr.Aloof, so there aren't any problems in that direction at all.
So my 2008 is looking up at the moment.
Currently one of my bigger considerations is whether or not to apply for indefinite leave to remain or for dual citizenship. Call me crazy, but it's cheaper and has more advantages to go for citizenship and the requirements are exactly the same. Does this make any sense? Still, if my initial research is correct, this may be the year I get a second passport. How completely crazy is that? I wouldn't have imagined it in a million years. Sometimes I really like my life.
Work is busy but I find it hard to get motivated. Still, with two Wednesday deadlines, it's not really optional. Tomorrow I am likely going to be at work late. On top of this, I need to be finishing up my next article. Too busy.
I met SH out for dinner tonight which was good. We ate at a Moroccan place I'd not tried yet. It was good. I've been very excited about my new blender and have been making smoothies. I made one for breakfast this morning and it managed to keep me satisfied until lunch which is fairly impressive. I'm going to make another one tomorrow. Smoothies are delicious.
And I had some interesting conversation with Mr.Aloof today in respect to things. I brought up the other couple since I felt that was responsible (them having been gone for a month, it hasn't been a topic of importance). But they are back and they are keen to see me and I wanted Mr.Aloof to be clear what I was up to and not to put myself in a position where I could be accused of being dishonest or irresponsible.
And that was an interesting exchange. One that may pick up again tomorrow, and may not. But I felt like we were able to talk about things we both find frustrating or difficult without having an argument or being angry or upset about it. And that felt productive. And it was also productive that he didn't give me any hassle about pursuing other interests and in fact encouraged it which was what I had wanted to begin with. So I feel better about things. And I've already told the other couple about Mr.Aloof, so there aren't any problems in that direction at all.
So my 2008 is looking up at the moment.
Currently one of my bigger considerations is whether or not to apply for indefinite leave to remain or for dual citizenship. Call me crazy, but it's cheaper and has more advantages to go for citizenship and the requirements are exactly the same. Does this make any sense? Still, if my initial research is correct, this may be the year I get a second passport. How completely crazy is that? I wouldn't have imagined it in a million years. Sometimes I really like my life.
12 January 2008
Popular Links
This idiotic blogger I know about likes to blog about what links people follow to come to their blog. Of course every time they post what the keyword was that brought someone to their blog, they are simply (and transparently) increasing the occurrence of the number of times it appears in their blog, even though half the time what they say is 'but I had nothing to say about that'.
I also keep tabs on what links people use to find this blog, but I don't see the point of posting about them generally. But I do often find it strange how people get here and sometimes I don't want to encourage it. Like I wrote about here for example, about this, probably one of the most popular things I've ever written.
Probably the second most popular thing that brings people here is this. Which I suppose they are finding in the same way I found it initially. But it's funny that my blog seems a popular place to find it.
But I'm most intrigued this evening that a very popular and recurring link to bring people here is this. Now... what has that to do with anything? I'm fairly certain based on the search parameters, that people often arrive there for the picture. Which I find odd, because I don't think it's the best image ever for that particular subject, but okay. Whatever. Then again, I find some people don't arrive for the picture. So what is bringing them to this particular post? And being curious about the post (for which I mean to say, not remembering what it was about really), I re-read it this evening and was myself struck by the persistent appropriateness of this post to my life.
Because the post still holds true. Though I am not in an emotionally strong place to be able to dig in and feel those feelings. But objectively I know that it is true. The truth does not elude me. The truth is not my problem. But the truth is my problem. I have been asked many difficult questions by friends of mine about what I'm doing. About what my expectations are.
And the truth is... I don't know. I don't hope that Mr.Aloof will become my boyfriend. For starters, he has a girlfriend, who he is completely smitten with. Secondly, we simply aren't compatible in that way for any number of reasons. And yet we are drawn to each other.
I saw him last night. We had a lovely comfortable and social outing of an evening. He kept suggesting we extend our time together. A drink at a pub, a walk further down the southbank, a coffee later. It was nice in a calm and relaxed and friendly sort of way. Though there was a moment- early in the evening. Where he was talking to me about his friend J, who I have met a couple of times and I have heard a lot about from time to time. At any rate, he was talking about J and her reclusiveness and her ongoing situation with a guy, K. And Mr.Aloof was telling me how he said to her just that day, that a person who only wants to see her once a month, who is jealous of her time with other people, and who is never there for her is not a relationship and in fact, is holding her back from finding a real and good relationship.
And I said nothing really. What could I say? I didn't want to ruin what was looking to be a nice and pleasant evening by pointing out that he could swap my name and his for J and K and it would be the same situation. And his advice to her, would be his advice to me. To get out. Which is the same thing that SH keeps saying to me.
But the truth is not my problem. Action is my problem. Confidence is my problem. And the attraction and the rush and the good feelings I get that keep me lingering- this is my problem. And it's probably Mr.Aloof's problem as well. I wish that we could talk about it, openly and honestly without him getting defensive. Without feelings getting hurt. But we can't, so we don't. And we just keep in our pattern. A roller coaster of highs and lows. That just goes around and around and isn't going anywhere at all. Right now we're at a mid-point. It's a lull. It's deceptive.
But I have no strong feelings. And without strong feelings there can be no action. I do deserve better than this. I believe that I deserve better than this. What I don't believe however, is that I will ever get it. So maybe I should just take advantage of the things that I do have on offer. Things that bring me joy as much as they bring me pain. But those things don't lead anywhere. So it's a circuitous problem.
I know that it will end one day. By definition it has to end one day.
But just because people deserve things, it doesn't mean they are ever going to get them does it?
I also keep tabs on what links people use to find this blog, but I don't see the point of posting about them generally. But I do often find it strange how people get here and sometimes I don't want to encourage it. Like I wrote about here for example, about this, probably one of the most popular things I've ever written.
Probably the second most popular thing that brings people here is this. Which I suppose they are finding in the same way I found it initially. But it's funny that my blog seems a popular place to find it.
But I'm most intrigued this evening that a very popular and recurring link to bring people here is this. Now... what has that to do with anything? I'm fairly certain based on the search parameters, that people often arrive there for the picture. Which I find odd, because I don't think it's the best image ever for that particular subject, but okay. Whatever. Then again, I find some people don't arrive for the picture. So what is bringing them to this particular post? And being curious about the post (for which I mean to say, not remembering what it was about really), I re-read it this evening and was myself struck by the persistent appropriateness of this post to my life.
Because the post still holds true. Though I am not in an emotionally strong place to be able to dig in and feel those feelings. But objectively I know that it is true. The truth does not elude me. The truth is not my problem. But the truth is my problem. I have been asked many difficult questions by friends of mine about what I'm doing. About what my expectations are.
And the truth is... I don't know. I don't hope that Mr.Aloof will become my boyfriend. For starters, he has a girlfriend, who he is completely smitten with. Secondly, we simply aren't compatible in that way for any number of reasons. And yet we are drawn to each other.
I saw him last night. We had a lovely comfortable and social outing of an evening. He kept suggesting we extend our time together. A drink at a pub, a walk further down the southbank, a coffee later. It was nice in a calm and relaxed and friendly sort of way. Though there was a moment- early in the evening. Where he was talking to me about his friend J, who I have met a couple of times and I have heard a lot about from time to time. At any rate, he was talking about J and her reclusiveness and her ongoing situation with a guy, K. And Mr.Aloof was telling me how he said to her just that day, that a person who only wants to see her once a month, who is jealous of her time with other people, and who is never there for her is not a relationship and in fact, is holding her back from finding a real and good relationship.
And I said nothing really. What could I say? I didn't want to ruin what was looking to be a nice and pleasant evening by pointing out that he could swap my name and his for J and K and it would be the same situation. And his advice to her, would be his advice to me. To get out. Which is the same thing that SH keeps saying to me.
But the truth is not my problem. Action is my problem. Confidence is my problem. And the attraction and the rush and the good feelings I get that keep me lingering- this is my problem. And it's probably Mr.Aloof's problem as well. I wish that we could talk about it, openly and honestly without him getting defensive. Without feelings getting hurt. But we can't, so we don't. And we just keep in our pattern. A roller coaster of highs and lows. That just goes around and around and isn't going anywhere at all. Right now we're at a mid-point. It's a lull. It's deceptive.
But I have no strong feelings. And without strong feelings there can be no action. I do deserve better than this. I believe that I deserve better than this. What I don't believe however, is that I will ever get it. So maybe I should just take advantage of the things that I do have on offer. Things that bring me joy as much as they bring me pain. But those things don't lead anywhere. So it's a circuitous problem.
I know that it will end one day. By definition it has to end one day.
But just because people deserve things, it doesn't mean they are ever going to get them does it?
10 January 2008
January Underway
There are a lot of things I could touch on today. But I realize it's been a while since I've written again, so I think just a general update is in order. Christmas and New Years were okay but not exceptional. I had some sort of intestinal problem for a bunch of the time so that wasn't so great. And I think I really just don't enjoy the holidays that much. Having no cultural connection to the holiday season it emphasizes my feeling of isolation. Being in a foreign country. Having a lot of time alone. I just find the whole thing generally depressing and I was not at all sad to start back at work.
Well, maybe I was a little bit.
But work is back on in full swing. And so is gym attendance. I've gone the past three mornings in a row and I plan on going tomorrow as well, so that's good. My legs are killing me however. Shows what a couple of weeks off will do to your fitness levels!
The relationship front is, as usual, tumultuous. Mr.Aloof and I had an argument about how our interaction went over the holidays. And of course now that I exploded at him and he told me off we're back to where we always are. Neither one of us willing to pull the plug and walk away like we probably should. And SH is back from her vacation to South Africa and is arguing pretty hard for me to kick him out of my life. It's almost funny because for seven years I pulled my hair out with her over a bad relationship she couldn't extract herself from, and now the situation is reversed. Still, it's difficult. And painful. And emotional. And I know that it's not all going to have a happy ending, but I also know I'm not ready to give up my drug of choice. So it's generally just a bad situation overall, no matter how I'm feeling about it at any given moment. And I know that.
The other couple return this week and are keen to meet up. I'm also keen to throw myself into something new. But who knows how it will really go. It's still not the solution I truly want. So we'll see.
Knitting is going well. I almost have a sock. But I think when I finish my one sock I'm going to take a break and knit something more fun. I have a couple of friends now who are expecting and I found some adorable patterns for stuffed animals. So this seems like a good idea at the moment. But we'll see if I can actually pull it together. These will be the most complicated patterns I've ever attempted.
New articles being written as well. I have a backlog of artists to write about at this point so I should really get to it. In fact, I should do one this evening. Or at least start one. Time is ticking.
So that's the general update around here. I'll get into one of the above topics in more detail the next time I write maybe. Or maybe not. You never know.
Well, maybe I was a little bit.
But work is back on in full swing. And so is gym attendance. I've gone the past three mornings in a row and I plan on going tomorrow as well, so that's good. My legs are killing me however. Shows what a couple of weeks off will do to your fitness levels!
The relationship front is, as usual, tumultuous. Mr.Aloof and I had an argument about how our interaction went over the holidays. And of course now that I exploded at him and he told me off we're back to where we always are. Neither one of us willing to pull the plug and walk away like we probably should. And SH is back from her vacation to South Africa and is arguing pretty hard for me to kick him out of my life. It's almost funny because for seven years I pulled my hair out with her over a bad relationship she couldn't extract herself from, and now the situation is reversed. Still, it's difficult. And painful. And emotional. And I know that it's not all going to have a happy ending, but I also know I'm not ready to give up my drug of choice. So it's generally just a bad situation overall, no matter how I'm feeling about it at any given moment. And I know that.
The other couple return this week and are keen to meet up. I'm also keen to throw myself into something new. But who knows how it will really go. It's still not the solution I truly want. So we'll see.
Knitting is going well. I almost have a sock. But I think when I finish my one sock I'm going to take a break and knit something more fun. I have a couple of friends now who are expecting and I found some adorable patterns for stuffed animals. So this seems like a good idea at the moment. But we'll see if I can actually pull it together. These will be the most complicated patterns I've ever attempted.
New articles being written as well. I have a backlog of artists to write about at this point so I should really get to it. In fact, I should do one this evening. Or at least start one. Time is ticking.
So that's the general update around here. I'll get into one of the above topics in more detail the next time I write maybe. Or maybe not. You never know.
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