Poly-ticts

There are difficulties with open relationships- mainly that it's not as simple as one plus one. But generally you know that going in, and in some ways I think communication is better in open relationships but really through necessity because it has to be.

Of course this doesn't mean that it's easy and like anything involving emotions there is the highs and the lows and the ups and the downs. Hopefully you find that the highs outweigh the lows and that's what makes everything worthwhile.

In my case however, the ratio isn't particularly clear. For as much fantastic wonderfulness that Mr.Aloof brings to my life, there is an equal part- at least- of trouble. And that's difficult. My good friends have generally come to the conclusion that he does not deserve me, and I can see their point. The problem is, my friends also can't appreciate that intense rush of goodness when things are working out. They just see it in a rather factual way, and in that view, it just doesn't stack up.

Recently this was again brought up by one of those low moments of arguing and not seeing eye to eye. There were two main issues that I had with the current state of things and I felt they needed to be addressed. One is too difficult to get into here, and needless to say, it has been the easiest addressed and so is less of an issue now. The other has also since been addressed but I think is worth elaborating on.

I told Mr.Aloof that I had found someone else to pursue a casual relationship with concurrent with my explorations with him and toy and I felt that it was responsible to let him know as one of my current sexual partners. His response was to say that if I pursued anything else, that his interest in me was over.

This was not actually the response I anticipated.

Mr.Aloof knows that I need more in my life than what he can occasionally offer. And he knows that although I love the time we spend together, I spend all the rest of the time generally not content. So I thought this was a good solution. I found someone I was actually interested in (which doesn't happen that often) to pursue in the 'off time' and the pressure would be off him in terms of my discontent or perhaps better stated in terms of my needs that he couldn't fulfill.

Needless to say, his announcement resulted in a mini-implosion.

He had a couple days to think about it and I sent a couple of emails that illustrated my points in a rather verbose way. In the meantime we discussed the other issue (and somewhat resolved it) but the big one was left hanging. We met up on Wednesday to talk about things and I was glad that he had come to a position where he recanted his earlier objection and was more honest with the fact that really it just made him uncomfortable in a selfish sort of way. But he did manage to recognize that it was an unreasonable position on his own, or at least with my email crib notes.

Of course while I feel my current situation is resolved it raised some difficult questions that I haven't really been able to answer. Mainly, if polyamory really only works best when everyone has a primary relationship and secondary partners are only partners with those in like situations. And I haven't found any easy answers in all of this, though I have some examples to look to.

Siege, who writes on Nerve is open about talking about his relationship with his partner. And while he writes things on his blog and has even participated in an article on the subject, of course his view is always of the primary. And of one who is in a primary relationship. What is never clear from any of his writing or photographs in particular is the status of the women who join them. Have any worked out as long term? And if so, do they already have primary relationships as well?

The second set of partners I use as an example are the well known Twisted Monk, Mistress Matisse, and their extended relationship families. Both of them have primary partners and are secondary with each other. So in some ways this supports my growing theory that it only works best in terms of stable longevity in this way. But then both have additional secondary partners who don't seem to have primary parters. Or in a related system, Matisse's primary partner Max, has a secondary partner named Lorelei who is definitely not in another primary relationship. Her primary relationship is to Max, but she can only be a secondary relationship to him. And I think to me this raises the same questions.

No matter how wonderful a secondary relationship is, if both partners don't have a primary relationship, is it inherently unstable? And is that the choice? Is the only choice available to enjoy the brilliance for whatever short time it lasts and to be resigned to the fact that by default it must end?

Of course my counter argument to this is yet another example of a triad relationship in the form of J, Caprycorn, and Lucky who I came across on Informed Consent and who blog fairly regularly. In their case, they are choosing to live together as three. But then their relationships are completely intertwined and inseparable. In some ways it's less of a 'primary' and 'secondary' as a group relationship while there are hierarchies present within the group, it's all a bit more blurred.

At any rate, my current position is that I am pursuing the other opportunity that has presented itself and I am also sticking with things as they are with Mr.Aloof with his blessing or at least... understanding and permission. I know that it's not a long-term prospect. Oh what the hell, if you've read this far, let me be more honest. It's another damn couple. Still, there is interest there, and I haven't had anything similar with a single guy for a long time. So I know that being involved with this other couple won't jeopardize what I have with Mr.Aloof because it can't. But it can provide me interest and distraction and a new adventure which at the moment seems attractive. Or at least worth exploring. Though I suppose if it went really well and developed into something like Persephone has in her relationship, then all my theories go out the window again.

It's all really rather complicated. I do wish I had a primary relationship that still allowed me to pursue these interests and solved the problem of the 'What about me?' question. But it seems a bit like a distant pipe dream. So the realistic question that I have in front of me is do I give it all up to focus just on me or do I continue to enjoy these amazing experiences I'm having but with no hope for longevity? The answer is.... I don't know- so holding pattern for the time being.