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There are reasons I have rules. Good reasons. Because I know myself, because I know how I respond. Because I know what happens. So why did I think that 'I Am Legend' was not going to be a scary movie? What the hell was I thinking? Well, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking I wanted to see a post apocalyptic New York and that I like Will Smith. This was not very good reasoning on my part.
So now it's late. Well, later than I thought it was at any rate. And I am not wanting to go to bed. I'd like to pin my eyelids open as a matter of fact to prevent what I know is going to be an unpleasant night of dreams. I hope if I watch enough other crap on television I'll blunt the images from my mind and my imagination but we'll see.
The movie was okay at any rate. There were slightly too many things though that didn't make very good sense. And I really don't like when things aren't particularly logical. It's probably a pet peeve of mine. So that was a little bit frustrating. But the rest of the movie was generally enjoyable. Aside from all the scary parts. Argh!
Well, no big surprise, I feel I am wasting my time off and it's disappearing rapidly. It's Friday today and I have to return to work on Thursday. Why, that's no time at all! Shit.
Christmas was a mixed bag around these parts. I had some friends over which was cool. And I cooked loads of stuff which was also cool. But I also got some nasty bug which rendered me a bit sickly for the day which meant I couldn't really enjoy it the way I would have liked. Certainly there was no drinking on my part. In fact, I haven't had any alcohol since Christmas Eve. I'm still concerned my digestive track isn't up to it. So that was okay.
The little flatmate returned from Berlin so it's not so quiet or lonely around here. We're making plans for New Years and it's another friend's birthday so again people may be congregating here- which is cool for me because I'm a lazy girl and it's easy. But we'll see. Plans like this always have a way of changing last minute.
I haven't done quite as much knitting as I meant to, though I've done a bit. And I've made good progress on ripping my entire CD collection which was a holiday task, but that has also stalled slightly but I'm sure will pick back up. So what have I been doing with my time? It's really hard to say.
Tomorrow I am going to brave the shopping madness and hit the town with another friend. This could be a dreadful mistake but that's okay. I really need some new gym clothes that I'm not tripping over all the time and that aren't too baggy. And gym clothes are ridiculously overpriced so the only time it's worth getting them is in a big sale. Lets see if I can avoid the knitting section however. That will take stamina.
So I'm not entirely sure of my plans for the day. I'd like to get out of the house. I'm thinking of going to CCK to check out the artist portfolios and I need to write another article today so I can catch up and then try to get ahead of where I should be. Actually, I'd like to do an article about CCK so it's another good excuse to go there. Of course that doesn't have anything to do about their hot chocolate... of course not. And maybe I'll go see a movie. Yesterday the flatmate and I went to see Enchanted which was entertaining. But I really want to see I am Legend even though I don't really like horror flicks, but I want to see a post apocalyptic New York. That looks cool.
Anyway. That's the news from around here. So exciting. I know!
Well, my winter break has finally started. Today was the first official day, and I don't go back to work until January 3. Excellent! So lots of time for me to cook and knit and see movies and do laundry and generally hang about doing nothing. Which started today with a bit of blog reading. I came across a blog I've read before, but a particular post caught my eye. I think I've been feeling similarly an awful lot lately, so it was interesting to see someone else express things so well. I'm sure I'll have more random ramblings over the next week or two seeing as how I'll have lots of time to kill. Though saying that, it never really works out that way does it? Wish I was doing something a bit more dark and spectacular to be celebrating this, the longest night of the year. Ah well.
And there is no rest for the wicked. In two and a half hours I need to make my way back to Brighton which takes about two hours. I managed to get a reasonable amount of sleep last night, though I did have to get up right in the middle of it to use the bathroom which I almost never do. Still, it was just about eight hours, so I don't really have an excuse for being this exhausted.
Except last night was the office xmas party and that was on the heels of a long and intense night with Mr.Aloof and to use the British expression, I am just shattered! I could easily sleep the rest of the day. Plus I may be on the verge of getting sick, as my throat is a bit sore, though that could just be from all of the screaming and then talking I've been up to. Hard to say.
Last night was fun though. Our office decided on a themed party of '50's style'. I didn't think this was a particularly good idea initially but people started to get into it and then I ended up finding a vintage dress on line and getting it. So I had the day off work and had a nap, and then I went to shower and did my hair in ringlets (which I don't usually bother with- I just let it dry however it wants to go) and got all dressed up and did my make-up and then waited for S to arrive who was my guest and off we went to the party.
And it was a bit funny because I got so many compliments on my dress and how I looked. And I guess what's weird about that to me is that I am not someone who generally dresses for people to notice me at all. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I don't generally like when people notice me physically- it makes me uncomfortable. So I was flattered and a little bit embarrassed that so many people told me how great my dress looked and my hair and my look overall. But of course as self-conscious as I get, it is also nice to hear those things. So it was cool, in a constantly blushing sort of way. And in the end, enough people made an effort that it was actually a lot of fun to see everyone dressed up. Everyone looked really good in general. I guess us rowdy architects clean up alright!
So it was a generally good and fun evening and I got home around 1am. But even though I had stopped drinking well before I left and had also had a couple glasses of water, I find I am still a bit wool headed this morning. And the throat thing isn't really helping matters. Or for that matter the overall body soreness from Thursday. Though I should add, I had the funniest accidental whip mark curling around my arm (usually there are never marks on my arms or lower legs) that showed with my short sleeved dress. So a couple of my more knowing friends had a good snicker about that, but then those same naughty friends thought it would be funny to poke me on it or otherwise poke or prod me when they knew the bruises and marks they couldn't see were far worse than the one they could! Naughty friends indeed.
Still, I'd like nothing more today than to just curl up and be quiet with Mr.Aloof and toy after all of this manic activity, but that's not really the nature of how things are with us, and it's not really an option with todays planned events anyway. Still, I recognize that it's what I'd really like. Ho hum.
Also, check out the latest article on photographer Ellen Stagg. You'll find her blog in my roll to the right as I've been following her stuff for a while. So how exciting that I get to write about her? And I bought a print off her as well- I really need to find my framers. Actually, the print I bought, I put in the gallery I selected- of course! Can you guess which one? It's a 1/8 chance!
The Sexy Photography of Ellen Stagg
at
The Art of Love
Last night I went down to Brighton to see Mr.Aloof and toy. This weekend is toy's birthday- and true to herself, she didn't plan anything. So instead of letting her get stressed about it, Mr.Aloof said he'd take care of things- and that starting Wednesday night and through the weekend she is simply to make no plans and be home when told.
Last night he told her to be home at 9. I arrived in Brighton at 7:30.
After last week's huge and deep conversation, I think there was a desire on his and my part to just let all of that heavy conversation go and just get to 'be' for a bit. Not that we were really letting it go, but rather, enough had been said about things, and it was simply time to do them.
Background to last night's story is an ongoing idea of Mr.Aloof's which should probably be elaborated on slightly. Basically in concept he wants to have a small and select group of people who play together. Obviously there is him and toy, then there is C. Then there are a couple of other people he is considering or I have heard of but not met yet. Now like any good club, Mr.Aloof has also decided that everyone needs a role and title. Generally this is something I don't care much for. I think I've discussed some of the name issues we've had previously, and frankly adding titles to that is just silly as far as I'm concerned. But he wants them and so he gets them, and I find I am amused and tolerate them.
But when he said I needed a title or role as well, my mind drew a blank. It just doesn't fit into how I see myself, or my interactions. There were some suggestions bandied about but I nixed all of them. Then I offered up some rather snarky solutions which were nixed by him. His criteria for my title was an indication that I was his, and of my role. So I wrote back, "Well what about pet?".
'Pet' sums up rather nicely how I see my submissive interaction. I think what I wrote to him was that a pet is just as likely to beg or do tricks for attention as they are to bite your hand. And that's probably just about right. I like doing things for my partners because I know it will please them and make them happy. And I like to do things for my partners that impress or amuse them. And I also tend to like to push at the boundary line to see just how far I can get away with being cheeky until the law is laid back down. I also pointed out to him that pets don't really care about roles or titles- they just are, and that also suited me well. And so 'pet' was agreed. And in further discussion of the evening that was yet to come, he indicated to me that the evening would be spent exploring what that role would mean exactly and he didn't really say any more than that and I didn't want him to.
So I got down to Brighton and made my way to their flat. Mr.Aloof met me and we went upstairs. He said he wanted dinner cooked for him and toy with whatever I could find and that he'd pop out to the shop if I needed anything else. I found some macaroni and some bacon and frozen broccoli and cheese and milk and butter and so I set about making a basic mac and cheese with broccoli. There was some time to kill so we both puttered around for a bit. At one point I came out of the other room and Mr.Aloof approached me and then pounced on me pushing me backwards over the arm of the sofa as I yelped and he came following after, pinning me down and kissing me roughly. That was fun- and showed how much tension and energy we were both sitting on, waiting to release.
My instructions were to have dinner ready by 9. Then serve it. Then, as they ate, I was to go into the other room and change into my green leather. Toy was late coming back as she can be fickle like that and didn't know that I was coming over, and Mr.Aloof was agitated, and I felt a bit bad because I couldn't really ease his irritation and knew that simply my being there was making it worse. I was also concerned that my makeshift meal was getting ruined as I kept having to add milk to it to keep it creamy and warm. But she did arrive at about half past nine and declared she was starving after a slightly startled 'Oh!' at my presence. So I dished up the food and poured some drinks and then left them to eat while I went to change.
As I changed I just listed to their conversation. I wasn't in any sort of rush. I was just curious. So when I was changed I left the bedroom and crouched behind them on the sofa. For about five seconds when Mr.Aloof eyeballed me and declared that I hadn't been invited into the lounge and to get in the hall where I belonged. Which to be fair, was only a couple feet from where I was. So I backed up just far enough to be across the threshold of the hall which clearly didn't suit. So he put down his bowl, got up, grabbed my collar and pulled me to the back of the hall with a 'stay there'. Still, the entire hall is probably just about my length laying down so I stretched myself forward so that I could still hear, and observe, but could easily push back to sitting in my spot at the back of the hall in an instant.
At one point Mr.Aloof went into the bedroom and I again stretched to peer around into that room and later toy did the same. But generally I was left alone as they went about eating and talking. But when they were done, Mr.Aloof came to me and grabbed the center ring in my collar and pulled me into the lounge and pushed me to sitting where he wanted me to be. He went into the bedroom again and came back and sat on the sofa behind me so I was pinned between his legs. He grabbed a glass of water and stroking my hair and pulling my head back proceeded to give me water from the glass- which was a precursor to putting on my gag. And then the hood over it. And then pushed me this way and that and finally to the floor. I was only there for a short while when he was pulling me up harshly and dragging and pushing and spinning me. Twice he spun me so I almost fell but was backed against a wall. Then all of this maneuvering got me into the bedroom where he tossed me across the bed and before I could even think about it the whip was coming down.
I knew he was punishing me for the dog photos. He didn't have to say it. I knew it was coming and when it came I knew it for what it was. I couldn't stop squirming around so he stopped at took my collared hands and tied one to the head of the bed on the side and one to the foot. This greatly debilitated my agility and roll-factor though I still managed to squirm my legs around and away, and also used my foot at one point to catch the whip and tangle it. Which only resulted in my collared feet getting the same treatment and so I was effectively face down and spread eagle crossway on the bed. And still the beating continued and I could do nothing now but yell and pull against my bonds.
This all seemed to go on for a while, and then it stopped. Well, it would stop for moments periodically and start up again. But then it stopped and I felt toy's hair brushing my new welts and her weight leaning on my body and I could hear and feel that they were doing things, though I couldn't really tell what. Plus they moved around. And perhaps I was distracted at her soft skin and soft hair brushing against me. And then they would shift, and perhaps I would receive another blow or three, and then things would pick up again. Again, this pattern went on for a while, when my hood was pulled up just enough so my gag could be removed. And I was given water again. And then I was pushed back and pulled up as much as my bindings would allow and Mr.Aloof was in front of me, pushing into my mouth and because of my restriction I had no place to move. And it was difficult and when I couldn't take it I turned my head for air and relief only to be punished by the whip or the belt. And then again. And again. And I was slightly distressed because I want to improve in this area but this was challenging and difficult and I was disappointed a little bit in myself, but it was okay.
And then I was released, though still hooded. And there were more tangled touches and activities going on. Mr.Aloof sent me to the bathroom and when II was punished for peeking and there was again an oral sex session. And again it was challenging because the angle was slightly off and my nose had gone a bit snotty from the previous activity which meant breathing was tough. And toy was beating me for encouragement. And so again, a somewhat unsatisfactory attempt which I did probably feel momentarily bad about because it is something I have an issue with and it's all well and good to know when you aren't quite getting it right but I still can't really tell when I'm doing things well. Though I was slightly amused at one point because toy went to whip me and caught Mr.Aloof instead who had flinchd and pulled back and this morning he said he had a mark on his leg which I thought was funny, but I digress. After this though and feeling a bit badly I was petted and held in contrast to how I was feeling about what had just happened which made me think it was actually okay after all. And I was given more water and then positioned between toy's legs and after some time, Mr.Aloof positioned himself behind me. First watching, then beating me, and then fucking. I do like that feeling of being between. Of how his violent activity is transferred through me to her. A chain of intense and physical connection. Though it's a difficult sort of fucking. One where you have to pay attention. But it's certainly worthwhile.
And then he took my place between her legs and brought her to a climax that way while I resumed my place beside them both slightly more worn. And there was a quite period of intimacy between them, and I think the conclusion was that he was going to do it to her again. And so I was only asked to hold her, and my hood was removed. And it was a slow process- I could feel her tense and relax in my arms in phases, her breathing even and then jagged. And then after a while, the tension became more frequent, the breathing harder, and she came again almost mindless in her intensity. Mr.Aloof pulled back and she twisted and I pulled her to me in a tight spoon and we stayed like that for a while, and Mr.Aloof came behind me and wrapped his arms around us both and it was again a quiet and intimate time.
But he wasn't done- far from it. And while toy recovered his attention turned to me- flipping me around to again take me hard from behind now with her next to me. And it was good to revel in it without needing to worry about doing anything else. And I adore how he can push me down so my mobility is negligible- and all I do is feel what is going on and be for a while and it's a rather floaty feeling while being all the time intense. He pulled off and went over to the bureau, grabbed something and came back. It wasn't long before I felt the cool slickness and I knew what was coming and I struggled to relax my body quickly. While Mr.Aloof and I have had anal sex before, it hasn't been for a very long time. I do have toys of my own that I use on occasion, but nothing recently. So it was a challenge to accommodate and there was a bit of pain but then, when has that bothered me? And I knew that I was clutching at toy who was stroking my arm and watching everything intensely as I was vaguely someplace else.
When he finished with me, Mr.Aloof went to the bathroom to wash off, and I lay on the bed twitching from the intensity of everything being held by and holding onto toy. And I knew that I was close and I didn't know how to ask. So I just sort of looked at her and let her see as my other free arm travelled down my body and between my legs and I got myself off with an arm wrapped tightly around her and her arms around me. And then I felt sated. Mostly.
And the evening started to wind down in a way. I was again sent to the hall and Mr.Aloof drew a bath while toy heated up more of dinner for a post-coitus snack. Due to the history of dog photos, a bowl had been purchased previously, before the whole conversation about 'pet' had come up, though now it seemed more fitting. Some of the pasta was put for me in the bowl and the bowl was placed in the kitchen and I was dragged over to it. I thought that they weren't looking so I was picking up the macaroni and eating it from my fingers but Mr.Aloof either saw me or sussed it out because he got up, got his belt and came back admonishing me for using my fingers and punished me there quickly before returning to the sofa. And so I ate the rest hands free. Then he went for a bath and toy poured some water in my bowl which I drank mostly correctly, though the last bit I had to tip the bowl or I couldn't have reached, and I was thirsty.
So I stayed on the floor of the kitchen watching a video while they bathed. Mr.Aloof got out first and came to the kitchen for this and for that and would stroke my head as he passed. Then he pulled me to the bedroom and showed me a pallet laid out on the floor next to bed and pushed me down to it. When toy got out of the bathroom I popped in to use it and when I came back they were kissing and stroking each other and I went to my pallet and just watched from the side of the bed as they went through their own intimate permutations. Towards the end Mr.Aloof pulled me up to the bed and told me to get under toy so I could lick her while he fucked her which is a position we had been in once a while ago. And then there was shuffling about and curling up and who knows what time it was but we slept.
Of course I didn't really sleep well. And removed various bits of green leather at various points in the evening dropping them beside me. I know I had bits of sleep but it was fitful. And Mr.Aloof was fitful as well so he got up even earlier than needed to do something in the lounge. Then it was getting dressed while trying to check out my new marks and the walk to the train station.
Luckily I took today off work, so I've just been lounging at home, though I need to go out and run some errands. And tonight is my office holiday party. So that's going to be a bit crazy and I'm going to try and get some sleep when I get back. But it should be fun.
Tomorrow I go back down to Brighton for the vanilla birthday party. Which should be cool. And I'm excited to give toy the choker I made for her. Though it feels a bit strange to see them again so soon. Still, it's cool. It was an exciting and excellent evening which reminds me why I think all the bullshit that comes with it is worthwhile.
The main things on my mind at the moment are cooking and knitting. I know it's a bit incongruous to all my other adventures, but the reality is I'm a bit of a home girl at heart. And I love cooking and making things.
Sunday night for example, I made gyoza. I had gotten it into my head that I really wanted to make them and just kept thinking about it. I've done them before, though not for a very long time. It's not that they're particularly difficult, but I did forget how long it takes to fill and fold each individual dumpling. Still, they came out delicious and my gyoza urge was almost satisfied.
Then last night I made some standard Japanese food and threw together a bento box which I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow which always makes me tremendously happy. And of course it's perfect because tomorrow is the office stitch n' bitch day at lunch.
I'm sure I've mentioned knitting stuff before. Recently I finished a pair of fingerless gloves for myself which I'm tremendously pleased with. Before that I finished a lace scarf- though I'm not sure who to give it to, and since it's black, I won't wear it myself. And I may have also mentioned a choker that broke recently I had been making? I don't remember. At any rate, I've decided to try and repair the choker. It won't be as good as before but because it is black, it is possible that it will be not that noticeable. And then I can give it to the person it was intended for. This weekend actually, because it's her birthday.
So there you have it. Cooking and knitting. The mental pastimes of a pervy girl.
Looks like I'm on a writing bender. Could hormones be involved? Oh... let me think about that for about .5 seconds. *sigh*
So last night I met with the couple as referenced in my last post. It's the first time I've met the two of them together having previously just met him. Of course I've been talking to them since some time in August when I went in for surgery. It's been a rather drawn out affair.
And at times I felt not worth the pursuit. After all, I already have one inconsistent and inconsiderate couple in my life. Do I really want another? I'm reserving final judgment on the new couple for the time being. After all, for conversation to simply last as long as it has without interaction is moderately supportive.
So anyway, I feel like I should bring this story up to date. It was my requirement that I meet them both out socially together before anything further was considered. I am not someone who tends to move quickly or be impulsive about relationships. And having met him, I felt the possibility of a positive outcome was higher than average. Still, I have no interest in becoming embroiled in others games. And if they weren't on board together as a couple, and if I didn't like her for any reason, then it wasn't going to work. So a social meeting out for all of us was my requirement.
To which they were thirty minutes late after already postponing the originally meeting time by another thirty minutes. This was not a good start. In fact I was about five minutes from finishing my drink and getting on my bus to take me home when they finally arrived. And the evening conversation was pleasant and enjoyable and easy. And I again had the sense that I could pursue things with them.
Of course this was marred by the announcement that they are both leaving tomorrow for the holiday season for an entire month- not to return until January 10! So there will be no further updates on the couple though I'm sure there will be continued email contact.
So that's the couple up to date and now on hold. Then plans with Mr.Aloof and toy. I've been invited down for Thursday night. So this should be interesting because it puts into conflict two issues Mr.Aloof has. The specific reason that he wants me to come down and be involved this week is that it is toys birthday on the weekend. And he wants to create an evening to spoil her. On the other hand, we have just recently covered that further last-minute cancellations due to toy's health or fickleness are not to be continued. I'm anticipating one of three scenarios.
One- Toy will not cancel, I will go down to Brighton, and the evening will go off without a hitch. Past experience tells us that the likelihood of this possibility is about 20%.
Two- Toy will want to cancel and keeping to the agreements of our most recent conversation, Mr.Aloof will have me come down anyway. I have pointed out that sexual activity isn't a requirement but just the physical interaction of being close is. I don't care if we watch movies and just hang out together but the complete cancellation is not acceptable. If I can be flexible and accommodating, then so can they.
Three- Toy will want to cancel and Mr.Aloof will slip into pattern and say something like 'Oh I know what we talked about but....'
So that's the current Thursday plan. Friday is my office holiday party which should be fun and at least generate good gossip. And then Saturday I am again invited to Brighton but for the vanilla version of the birthday celebrations. I've offered to help with food prep earlier than people arrive. And I've been told I can stay over, but since others are staying over who don't know, I won't be staying with them. It'll be one of the sofas or the floor for me. Which is okay.
I don't know. Maybe it's the dark and the time of year. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe it's that some of my best friends are making a concerted effort to make me change things. I just have a huge feeling of discontent. It's not that I don't like the things I have, it's that I want more. And according to my friends, I deserve more. It's a difficult problem for me. One I will continue to ponder and I'm sure one will continue to bother me because I know I am not ready to make the decision my friends want me to make. But I equally know that I am not currently happy with how things have been and I am dubious as to whether or not they can or will change.
In the meantime, another new article! I am really enjoying writing these articles. I hope to catch up and get ahead over the winter break though so I don't feel like I'm rushing every week to complete one. Then again, I always leave things to the last minute, but I always get things done! I think it's just how I'm wired. So go see The Dark Saints of Kris Wlodarski.
And expect more hormone fueled rambling in the near future.
There are difficulties with open relationships- mainly that it's not as simple as one plus one. But generally you know that going in, and in some ways I think communication is better in open relationships but really through necessity because it has to be.
Of course this doesn't mean that it's easy and like anything involving emotions there is the highs and the lows and the ups and the downs. Hopefully you find that the highs outweigh the lows and that's what makes everything worthwhile.
In my case however, the ratio isn't particularly clear. For as much fantastic wonderfulness that Mr.Aloof brings to my life, there is an equal part- at least- of trouble. And that's difficult. My good friends have generally come to the conclusion that he does not deserve me, and I can see their point. The problem is, my friends also can't appreciate that intense rush of goodness when things are working out. They just see it in a rather factual way, and in that view, it just doesn't stack up.
Recently this was again brought up by one of those low moments of arguing and not seeing eye to eye. There were two main issues that I had with the current state of things and I felt they needed to be addressed. One is too difficult to get into here, and needless to say, it has been the easiest addressed and so is less of an issue now. The other has also since been addressed but I think is worth elaborating on.
I told Mr.Aloof that I had found someone else to pursue a casual relationship with concurrent with my explorations with him and toy and I felt that it was responsible to let him know as one of my current sexual partners. His response was to say that if I pursued anything else, that his interest in me was over.
This was not actually the response I anticipated.
Mr.Aloof knows that I need more in my life than what he can occasionally offer. And he knows that although I love the time we spend together, I spend all the rest of the time generally not content. So I thought this was a good solution. I found someone I was actually interested in (which doesn't happen that often) to pursue in the 'off time' and the pressure would be off him in terms of my discontent or perhaps better stated in terms of my needs that he couldn't fulfill.
Needless to say, his announcement resulted in a mini-implosion.
He had a couple days to think about it and I sent a couple of emails that illustrated my points in a rather verbose way. In the meantime we discussed the other issue (and somewhat resolved it) but the big one was left hanging. We met up on Wednesday to talk about things and I was glad that he had come to a position where he recanted his earlier objection and was more honest with the fact that really it just made him uncomfortable in a selfish sort of way. But he did manage to recognize that it was an unreasonable position on his own, or at least with my email crib notes.
Of course while I feel my current situation is resolved it raised some difficult questions that I haven't really been able to answer. Mainly, if polyamory really only works best when everyone has a primary relationship and secondary partners are only partners with those in like situations. And I haven't found any easy answers in all of this, though I have some examples to look to.
Siege, who writes on Nerve is open about talking about his relationship with his partner. And while he writes things on his blog and has even participated in an article on the subject, of course his view is always of the primary. And of one who is in a primary relationship. What is never clear from any of his writing or photographs in particular is the status of the women who join them. Have any worked out as long term? And if so, do they already have primary relationships as well?
The second set of partners I use as an example are the well known Twisted Monk, Mistress Matisse, and their extended relationship families. Both of them have primary partners and are secondary with each other. So in some ways this supports my growing theory that it only works best in terms of stable longevity in this way. But then both have additional secondary partners who don't seem to have primary parters. Or in a related system, Matisse's primary partner Max, has a secondary partner named Lorelei who is definitely not in another primary relationship. Her primary relationship is to Max, but she can only be a secondary relationship to him. And I think to me this raises the same questions.
No matter how wonderful a secondary relationship is, if both partners don't have a primary relationship, is it inherently unstable? And is that the choice? Is the only choice available to enjoy the brilliance for whatever short time it lasts and to be resigned to the fact that by default it must end?
Of course my counter argument to this is yet another example of a triad relationship in the form of J, Caprycorn, and Lucky who I came across on Informed Consent and who blog fairly regularly. In their case, they are choosing to live together as three. But then their relationships are completely intertwined and inseparable. In some ways it's less of a 'primary' and 'secondary' as a group relationship while there are hierarchies present within the group, it's all a bit more blurred.
At any rate, my current position is that I am pursuing the other opportunity that has presented itself and I am also sticking with things as they are with Mr.Aloof with his blessing or at least... understanding and permission. I know that it's not a long-term prospect. Oh what the hell, if you've read this far, let me be more honest. It's another damn couple. Still, there is interest there, and I haven't had anything similar with a single guy for a long time. So I know that being involved with this other couple won't jeopardize what I have with Mr.Aloof because it can't. But it can provide me interest and distraction and a new adventure which at the moment seems attractive. Or at least worth exploring. Though I suppose if it went really well and developed into something like Persephone has in her relationship, then all my theories go out the window again.
It's all really rather complicated. I do wish I had a primary relationship that still allowed me to pursue these interests and solved the problem of the 'What about me?' question. But it seems a bit like a distant pipe dream. So the realistic question that I have in front of me is do I give it all up to focus just on me or do I continue to enjoy these amazing experiences I'm having but with no hope for longevity? The answer is.... I don't know- so holding pattern for the time being.
I'm off to a fetish club tonight. I've never actually been to a fetish club, but I have been curious about it. I've been to fetish fairs and it's not that I think I'll be intimidated. What's really kept me from such things is that I'm not that into the whole clothing thing, and I'm also not sure I'll generally like it. Of course I expect it to be extremely interesting. And I can hypothesize that if I were going with a large gang of people I knew well, then it could be a different sort of experience. But even though I'm going with a friend who has gone a bunch before, I know that I will feel a bit of an outsider, and like I don't really belong. But that's okay. Because no one else will care and I will get to observe everything.
This follows on the heels of my Friday off work where I went to a spa. Who knew a spa could be so good. It was really, really good. And this is coming from the girl who hates hot things. In fact, the first steam room I tried to go into, I had to go right back out of because I thought I was suffocating and couldn't breath. But I managed to work through it to end up relaxing into the misty purple lavender infused room. And then oh so much more. I am so going back.
And while we're on updates, check out the new article:
The Diverse Sexual Expression of Raphael Perez
at
The Art of Love
