Tuesday First of August

Well, I'm not nearly as depressively moody as I was when I wrote my last post. And it is clearly the hormones still sorting themselves out. Of course, one evening of depression versus days of depression due to the rascally buggers is a much more dramatic improvement.

Tonight I have a date with A, as mentioned two posts down. I am looking forward to meeting A, as I am not sure from our email exchanges if he is really compatible or not. He is intriguing, I'll give him that much off the bat. Deeply into Buddhism, this guy has spent two months at a clip on silent meditation retreats. So I'm a bit intrigued by this obviously strong motivation partnered with the one that brought him to my favorite personals site. I mean, how do you reconcile being at one with the universe and wishing to purposefully create tension? Oh, I'm sure there's something in there about achieving a higher consciousness through emotional strife. At any rate, he has been pleasant enough to email so far, so our meeting will either further that interest or quelch it. Useful either way.

Today is also the last free day at work before my boss comes back. There is going to be a rather large amount of shit to deal with as soon as he's back, so I'm not looking forward to that much at all. Mostly involving my main project. I really like the project, but the overall management of it has been abysmal, and that's generally from the client side. It's hard when the client lead changes over from one person who couldn't get a handle on what was going on to another who also can't, but in a completely different way. I know it's all about business and money, but I still want to be able to do a good job on the project, something that is increasingly difficult under the circumstances.

Wednesday is softball, and Thursday I should be studying and getting ready for my party on Saturday, but I have the potential to meet another person for the first time if I choose to, G. Otherwise I will meet with G next week. In a way, I'd like to get the meets done this week. Because after being burned by F, I find that I'm not at all in a good frame of mind to get 'excited' about anyone at the moment. Because I think they're just going to fuck off and disappear like he did after being so keen. In fact, this is a main reason that I've been particularly reticent about G. Who has only been anything but enthusiastic in his conversation with me, which I find makes me more and more reserved and suspicious. So I'd like to meet him and move it along a bit. Plus, if I do like A, then I need to meet G quickly to get a better handle on my situation. And if I don't like A, or A doesn't like me, then meeting with G may be a good way to not dwell. Whatever. There's still the studying and the party-preparing to deal with. Too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it in.

Lastly, I just checked my ever favorite morning read Nerve and my most favorite blogging photographer Siege's blog this morning only to find a rather amazing spectacle of every image he's ever published in a large poster form (and for sale!). This compilation from afar is abstract like colorful modernist jewels, and up close includes enough perversity to make your grandma faint. But also many other powerful and not so pervy photos. It is, as he says in his blog (go to Nerve and click on 'The Daily Siege') every print that's ever been on the blog the past two years. And it's like... it's like a story in pictures. Because I've religiously read the blog. And I remember the words behind the photos. I scan the image and the stories that spurned them pop back into my head. And as per usual, it makes me exceptionally jealous. Jealous that someone else can, so seemingly effortlessly be a portrait of an ideal that I hold. Jealous of a path, of a life, of a talent. Yes, jealous. Admiringly so, of course, but jealous nonetheless. Now of course, I want this poster sized story. But I wonder what I would do with such a thing. There is beauty in the chaos, in and of itself, true. But for me the power is through the association. The ability to be lost in a moment of gazing- a portal to an immersion in a life other than my own. Unless you've read the blog, you won't get that. It'll just be a random poster of pictures. And while I wouldn't have any issues hanging such a thing in my house, I try to imagine where it would go, as I already have a large box of framed things under my bed that haven't found a home yet. I want it, but I'm not sure. What to do... what to do....

Lastly, and before I rush to work, I am also in the process of letting another piece of Mr.Aloof go. Recently, only this week in fact (so that is yesterday and today for the simple minded), he has been logging onto messegner just about now, when I leave for work. Yesterday I was impulsive and sent him a message right away before shutting my computer down and heading off. And I realized that was wrong. Wrong to 'watch' him, wrong to rush into instant contact. There was a message waiting for me when I got home, something silly, in response to the silly thing I'd sent. But I need to not do that. Part of me wonders if he's online because he's talking to someone else. And it's like... I just want to -know- even if it's not with me. I want to know about him, what he's doing, what he's up to. And I thought on this yesterday and realized that I need to not do that. I need to let him be. Of course he'll meet someone else. He'll live his life as I'm living mine. I don't need to stalk him or haunt him. Maybe we'll talk occasionally in the future (likely in fact), but he'll never really be my friend, because really, he never was, or, he never wanted to be. And why would that change now?

Right I'm off to work.