Figures

Well. Just got an email off A who I had tentative plans to meet with tomorrow. Canceling of course. Met someone else just yesterday. Off the same site. Romance blossomed. Unexpected. Apologies and best wishes. Blah blah blah. This follows on the heels of an email this morning from G saying very succinctly what I was thinking anyway, nice person but we aren't going to click as partners, see you around some time perhaps.

Funny perhaps as I had a conversation with Mr.Ball about this on Saturday. Him suggesting erroneously of course that there are tons of guys out there. Funny, seeing as how he himself is a prime example of how that is precisely not true.

I have lived a lifetime of feeling like I'm defective from the general population. Trying to put aside my fears about how my mind works versus how everyone else's mind works. I have no problems generally connecting with women. But men? Another story entirely. Of course I have some fantastic male friends. Or rather, I had some fantastic male friends who are still fantastic and still my friends but they are more far away now and less a part of my regular day to day existence and so it somewhat feels like I don't have many male friends sometimes. And anyway, it's not friends that's a problem. It's partners. I can make friends with men. And upon considering it, I do actually have male friends. But it's the leap from friend to romantic interest that always seems to fall short.

Rejection is a part of life. And I will roll back from this setback. It's just hard. Hard because I feel like I've been looking for a while. Hard because nothing is changing, nothing is different. It leads me to consider that possibly all I'm worth is the sort of off-hand treatment that I received from Mr.Aloof. Maybe that's all I'm good for. Because clearly on some level, there is actually something wrong with me that my life has been so different, so less full, so non-experienced in this critical aspect. And I'm not actually kidding.