Studying Sucks

Yet again I've fallen far behind in my studying goals. I haven't read the material I should have by now. I'm not sure I'll have time to read it before I go in a week and a half. This weekend I'm going to close up shop and put my nose to the grindstone. I need to. Do I have to say it? I think it's likely I'm going to fail this one... but I MEAN it this time... *sigh*. I know you won't believe me, but I'm getting worse and worse as these exams go on. Something is going to break at some point, and that point might as well be now.

Of course having to study is not very pleasant. And my regular work is very busy as well. This makes me generally a very busy girl. And while trapped in this moment of being very busy, I find that my mind wanders down ways that are not conducive to studying or working. As usual.

I think this latest dating setback has hit my rather hard actually. Today I found myself missing Mr.Aloof tangibly. Which is strange, because I don't and haven't much recently. I wanted to email. I wanted to hear from him. I didn't, which is good. But I note the intense need inside of me. And then I thought about it all some more. All this dating bullshit. And how screwy my own dating history has been. I was thinking to myself today that it seems likely that I'll actually never have a boyfriend. And I sort of wonder how my entire life passed on by in this fashion. Of course if I'd been before where I am now, this would never have been the case. There are reasons and explanations for everything that happened in my life. Still.... it's never really been a 'thing' in my life. I have operated generally alone for as long as I can remember. And I so desperately want not to be alone. But maybe it's just not going to happen. When should I just give up? Stop torturing myself looking, putting myself up again and again for rejection? I don't know.

On the plus side, all of this mental energy torn between work, studying, and pondering my less than fulfilling life has the benefit of letting me not worry yet about my upcoming flight. I haven't really been thinking about it much at all. And that's probably a good thing.