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I can hardly say that I have returned back to normal when I'm not sure there was much normal there to begin with. This half week of work is all a bit of a mess. Getting back 'into' things, since people have left and are leaving left and right. The office doesn't feel quite right anymore. Too much transition and change all at once. And softball just finished for the season. Everything is all still up in the air, and it needs to settle down.
In other news, the government here continues to pursue a stupid and knee-jerk policy that would potentially make me a criminal. I mean, some of the things I wrote here could quite easily fall into their stupid supposed category. You know, I wrote in when they were doing consultation. And apparently, the consultation did not support the initiative, but they just want to go ahead with it anyway. Hello thought police. What the fuck? I understand how it all got going, really I do. But is it not the responsibility of the government to move beyond an emotional level to a rational and higher level? Oh, wait... what am I talking about... Government. Letting citizens down daily since time began.
Speaking of which, I've planned a tryst for the week after next with Mr.Noshow. I'm actually sort of looking forward to it, though looking forward to being soundly thrashed is always a bit bittersweet. There's the anticipation and thrill, and the knowledge you are going to be seriously hurting, even if you like it... well... it's just a tingly mix. We've planned to meet up at a rentable dungeon in London. I'm also looking forward to that aspect. Update will be after it happens of course.
No word on my exam yet. I think I failed. As usual. But if we look at the past, that's probably a good sign, right?
I don't think I'm really back on London time yet...
I'll leave you with something you probably won't think is normal. Snowball snacky cake. SH bought me one (which is really two) for when I arrived in Chicago. I cut it in half so you could understand the wonder. Mmm-mmmm!
Although I've been on the computer, I've not been focused enough to really sit and write long things. Email has been neglected, and also, my blog.
Chicago has been good. The exam was, as all the exams have been, difficult and unfathomable and I have no idea how I did so I could have passed, but I could have failed, but it's over now, so there isn't any more I can do about this particular stab at it.
I hung out for one day before the family festivities with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I went out a couple times with SH and her friends. I saw my friend NC whose wedding I attended in Sienna last year and her husband J which is always nice.
Then the family arrived and it was bar mitzvah madness. The conservative leaning reformed synagogue was a bit more Hebrew than I'm used to or prefer. Though in some way it was nice to go to a service, not having been to one in three years. I used to go most Fridays when I lived in St. Louis. I miss the mental and spiritual recharge of just having a sort of meditative space and moment. I need to get back into yoga I think.
I think my family was a bit upset that I didn't spend more time with them, but it's hard to balance my time when I'm not staying with them either. There were transport issues. Of course no one would lend me their car.
And the week has gone past far too quickly, and tomorrow night I head back to London. I have other things to write about, in respect to the week. And I will when I get back, and get back into my schedule and routine. I also took some pictures I need to upload. So yes I'm alive. And when I get my thoughts in order, I'll write something more witty and substantial. Think good plane thoughts for me blogland. I'll see you again in ole blighty.
Is it life, or do I just mean the large tin can I'm going to get on tomorrow morning? Not sure. I certainly feel like a cog in a great machine at the moment. With almost no rational choice. I am on autopilot. This week has gone too fast, I have no time left. I must go, prepared or not.
I'll have fun once I'm there I'm sure. Well, I'll be relieved just to get there. And really, then I only have to focus on the test, all other thoughts, issues, and problems becomes irrelevant as they are part of my time 'here' and I will be 'there'. In that sense I always like going away, because it's like I exist in an alternate reality. A break from my life for a while. Enough to generally make me quite happy to be coming back to it.
So the next post that will be here will likely be from Chicago. Probably all about how I'm going to fail my exam. Hm... I've heard that before. A broken record? Or just a great machine...
In ten years I'll be the answer to life, the universe, and everything!
Well.
Another year has gone by since I was born. This year it feels a bit strange, like my birthday has already happened, because so much energy went into the house party. Not that there aren't plans for today as well. Probably lunch somewhere, softball after work and a yummy Japanese meal after softball. And if it's raining and softball is cancelled, the meal is still on.
It's a strange year for me I think. Because it's a year where not very much has happened perhaps. I was living the status quo. Work continues to be work, Mr.Aloof featured prominently in an aloof way. I woke up, I lived, I played, I went to sleep. This year I have no vision for. Will it be more of the same or will there be change? The biggest change I could make in my life would be to change jobs. Something that is frequently a consideration. Not because I don't like my job, or my office, but because of how my office sees me. I am not a martyr to someone else's business. I like to be appreciated and taken care of. This is not my current situation.
This was hammered home yesterday by us getting our annual salary reviews, only for me to find that I had no salary review. I received the regular interest-based increase that anyone else got. But nothing else. Even though I have taken on tons more responsibility in the past year, and even though I told them that my salary was not acceptable.
So it's something I need to address at least initially today, will probably really deal with it when I get back. The thing is, I'm tired of fighting with my office for scraps. Knowing I could go to another job in the city with more prestige, more work, and instantly get a 6k increase in salary more than likely. When all I want from my office to make me more content is 2k. They just go that little extra bit too much, that step across what is reasonable and moves into the realm of 'taking the piss'. And it's not at all what I want to deal with. And certainly not on my birthday.
I have hopes for the upcoming year of course. Health. Happiness. I would really like it if I could meet someone and have a 'relationship'. Maybe I'll have to get a new job. I'd like to finally finish my exams and be a licensed architect. It's all a big unknown. Sometimes I think you have to shake up your life a bit in order to really live it. And sometimes I think it's nice to relax into the comfort of a life that you've worked hard to achieve. It's just that I'm still young-ish. I'm not entirely sure what else it is I want to do, but I feel this ball of potential spinning inside of me sometimes, knowing that there is more that I could do. And hoping I find out what it is.
Happy Birthday to me.
Actually, I'm not sure even my future imaginary children would eat such things. Probably they'd try to make me eat them. This is right up there with 'Don't Eat that Steve' which is fantastic, though he hasn't posted anything new for a long time. Thanks to boing boing for the link.
For being so succinct in showing me where I stand on the cosmic karmic scale. I mean, are you kidding me? For fucks sake. Oh no, just having a phobia isn't enough, we're going to play with it! Yippee!! I was supposed to fly on 9/11 you know. To England of all places. We flew out three weeks later instead. That was stressful. This? This is un-fucking-believable. Why me?
Yet again I've fallen far behind in my studying goals. I haven't read the material I should have by now. I'm not sure I'll have time to read it before I go in a week and a half. This weekend I'm going to close up shop and put my nose to the grindstone. I need to. Do I have to say it? I think it's likely I'm going to fail this one... but I MEAN it this time... *sigh*. I know you won't believe me, but I'm getting worse and worse as these exams go on. Something is going to break at some point, and that point might as well be now.
Of course having to study is not very pleasant. And my regular work is very busy as well. This makes me generally a very busy girl. And while trapped in this moment of being very busy, I find that my mind wanders down ways that are not conducive to studying or working. As usual.
I think this latest dating setback has hit my rather hard actually. Today I found myself missing Mr.Aloof tangibly. Which is strange, because I don't and haven't much recently. I wanted to email. I wanted to hear from him. I didn't, which is good. But I note the intense need inside of me. And then I thought about it all some more. All this dating bullshit. And how screwy my own dating history has been. I was thinking to myself today that it seems likely that I'll actually never have a boyfriend. And I sort of wonder how my entire life passed on by in this fashion. Of course if I'd been before where I am now, this would never have been the case. There are reasons and explanations for everything that happened in my life. Still.... it's never really been a 'thing' in my life. I have operated generally alone for as long as I can remember. And I so desperately want not to be alone. But maybe it's just not going to happen. When should I just give up? Stop torturing myself looking, putting myself up again and again for rejection? I don't know.
On the plus side, all of this mental energy torn between work, studying, and pondering my less than fulfilling life has the benefit of letting me not worry yet about my upcoming flight. I haven't really been thinking about it much at all. And that's probably a good thing.
If you are offended by penis pictures, quickly look away now. If however, you are not offended and have a fascination with the stupid things that people do to their bodies, then please have a look at the Really Bad Tattoos collection that I found via Nerve. You know, the dragon is bad enough, but it's all the fake clouds stuff around the belly that push it over the top for me. (Click on the image to get a bigger view, I'm listing this one small for obvious reasons)
Well. Just got an email off A who I had tentative plans to meet with tomorrow. Canceling of course. Met someone else just yesterday. Off the same site. Romance blossomed. Unexpected. Apologies and best wishes. Blah blah blah. This follows on the heels of an email this morning from G saying very succinctly what I was thinking anyway, nice person but we aren't going to click as partners, see you around some time perhaps.
Funny perhaps as I had a conversation with Mr.Ball about this on Saturday. Him suggesting erroneously of course that there are tons of guys out there. Funny, seeing as how he himself is a prime example of how that is precisely not true.
I have lived a lifetime of feeling like I'm defective from the general population. Trying to put aside my fears about how my mind works versus how everyone else's mind works. I have no problems generally connecting with women. But men? Another story entirely. Of course I have some fantastic male friends. Or rather, I had some fantastic male friends who are still fantastic and still my friends but they are more far away now and less a part of my regular day to day existence and so it somewhat feels like I don't have many male friends sometimes. And anyway, it's not friends that's a problem. It's partners. I can make friends with men. And upon considering it, I do actually have male friends. But it's the leap from friend to romantic interest that always seems to fall short.
Rejection is a part of life. And I will roll back from this setback. It's just hard. Hard because I feel like I've been looking for a while. Hard because nothing is changing, nothing is different. It leads me to consider that possibly all I'm worth is the sort of off-hand treatment that I received from Mr.Aloof. Maybe that's all I'm good for. Because clearly on some level, there is actually something wrong with me that my life has been so different, so less full, so non-experienced in this critical aspect. And I'm not actually kidding.
Tuesday: Date with A. Went well. Talked for ages. Had good sense of humor. Cute without being intimidating. No naughtiness. Tentative plans for date this week.
Wednesday: Softball. First loss of the season. Rainy and a bit cold. Had a drink and went home after. Did some productive studying.
Thursday: Date with G. G and I are not meant to be partners. Nice guy though, would be happy enough to see him around at events and chat a bit. No connection though.
Friday: Massive fruit and veg shop with tlsd at Ridley Market at lunch. Work stressful, C doesn't find time to tell our boss P that she's handing in her notice. Leaving drinks for J, note the loss of tears shed on faces of many staff members. SP helps carry stuff home. M and tlsd arrive with additional groceries and set about helping with pre-party prep. A mad dash to late-night Tesco. Yawns all around.
Saturday: Flatmate D helps prepare the flat. I go do some more required shopping. Spend some time in the morning chatting with Mr.Ball. Party prep continues all afternoon. First guest C arrives at 6:20. tlsd soon after. C tells tlsd that she's leaving, tlsd feigns surprise and lack of knowledge admirably, give her an Oscar! Party becomes mass of people coming and going. How much food can I pack into them before they leave? The girls completely surprise me with cakes and candles. Presumably a good time was had by most, save the bit of melodrama. Friend of friend walks into D's room instead of bathroom and sees some naked boy butt doing dirty deeds. Last guests leave 2:30am or so. D comes back down to help with pre-clean up prep.
Sunday: Sleep until 11am. Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. Flat sparkles and shines. Still too much food in the fridge. Waiting for tlsd to call. Write a blog. Go take a shower. Don't want to go to work tomorrow.
Well, I'm not nearly as depressively moody as I was when I wrote my last post. And it is clearly the hormones still sorting themselves out. Of course, one evening of depression versus days of depression due to the rascally buggers is a much more dramatic improvement.
Tonight I have a date with A, as mentioned two posts down. I am looking forward to meeting A, as I am not sure from our email exchanges if he is really compatible or not. He is intriguing, I'll give him that much off the bat. Deeply into Buddhism, this guy has spent two months at a clip on silent meditation retreats. So I'm a bit intrigued by this obviously strong motivation partnered with the one that brought him to my favorite personals site. I mean, how do you reconcile being at one with the universe and wishing to purposefully create tension? Oh, I'm sure there's something in there about achieving a higher consciousness through emotional strife. At any rate, he has been pleasant enough to email so far, so our meeting will either further that interest or quelch it. Useful either way.
Today is also the last free day at work before my boss comes back. There is going to be a rather large amount of shit to deal with as soon as he's back, so I'm not looking forward to that much at all. Mostly involving my main project. I really like the project, but the overall management of it has been abysmal, and that's generally from the client side. It's hard when the client lead changes over from one person who couldn't get a handle on what was going on to another who also can't, but in a completely different way. I know it's all about business and money, but I still want to be able to do a good job on the project, something that is increasingly difficult under the circumstances.
Wednesday is softball, and Thursday I should be studying and getting ready for my party on Saturday, but I have the potential to meet another person for the first time if I choose to, G. Otherwise I will meet with G next week. In a way, I'd like to get the meets done this week. Because after being burned by F, I find that I'm not at all in a good frame of mind to get 'excited' about anyone at the moment. Because I think they're just going to fuck off and disappear like he did after being so keen. In fact, this is a main reason that I've been particularly reticent about G. Who has only been anything but enthusiastic in his conversation with me, which I find makes me more and more reserved and suspicious. So I'd like to meet him and move it along a bit. Plus, if I do like A, then I need to meet G quickly to get a better handle on my situation. And if I don't like A, or A doesn't like me, then meeting with G may be a good way to not dwell. Whatever. There's still the studying and the party-preparing to deal with. Too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it in.
Lastly, I just checked my ever favorite morning read Nerve and my most favorite blogging photographer Siege's blog this morning only to find a rather amazing spectacle of every image he's ever published in a large poster form (and for sale!). This compilation from afar is abstract like colorful modernist jewels, and up close includes enough perversity to make your grandma faint. But also many other powerful and not so pervy photos. It is, as he says in his blog (go to Nerve and click on 'The Daily Siege') every print that's ever been on the blog the past two years. And it's like... it's like a story in pictures. Because I've religiously read the blog. And I remember the words behind the photos. I scan the image and the stories that spurned them pop back into my head. And as per usual, it makes me exceptionally jealous. Jealous that someone else can, so seemingly effortlessly be a portrait of an ideal that I hold. Jealous of a path, of a life, of a talent. Yes, jealous. Admiringly so, of course, but jealous nonetheless. Now of course, I want this poster sized story. But I wonder what I would do with such a thing. There is beauty in the chaos, in and of itself, true. But for me the power is through the association. The ability to be lost in a moment of gazing- a portal to an immersion in a life other than my own. Unless you've read the blog, you won't get that. It'll just be a random poster of pictures. And while I wouldn't have any issues hanging such a thing in my house, I try to imagine where it would go, as I already have a large box of framed things under my bed that haven't found a home yet. I want it, but I'm not sure. What to do... what to do....
Lastly, and before I rush to work, I am also in the process of letting another piece of Mr.Aloof go. Recently, only this week in fact (so that is yesterday and today for the simple minded), he has been logging onto messegner just about now, when I leave for work. Yesterday I was impulsive and sent him a message right away before shutting my computer down and heading off. And I realized that was wrong. Wrong to 'watch' him, wrong to rush into instant contact. There was a message waiting for me when I got home, something silly, in response to the silly thing I'd sent. But I need to not do that. Part of me wonders if he's online because he's talking to someone else. And it's like... I just want to -know- even if it's not with me. I want to know about him, what he's doing, what he's up to. And I thought on this yesterday and realized that I need to not do that. I need to let him be. Of course he'll meet someone else. He'll live his life as I'm living mine. I don't need to stalk him or haunt him. Maybe we'll talk occasionally in the future (likely in fact), but he'll never really be my friend, because really, he never was, or, he never wanted to be. And why would that change now?
Right I'm off to work.
