Cut Out My Heart So That I Can See

The trouble with going from manic busy to bored is that your system is all geared up to go at a pace. So that when you actually stop and find you have nothing to do, your mind decides that all that excess energy should go to something so starts looking through your internal garbage for something to sort out.

What I in no way should have done in my boredom today was to have a look through the file of emails I have from Mr.Aloof thinking that I could delete some that didn't matter anymore. Which of course meant I read a bunch of old emails which was particularly stupid and has landed me in a bit of a funk.

None of this renewed feeling of sadness and loss (though, to be somewhat positive, I recognize that what I'm feeling is much more personal sadness and loss, and not so much missing him- so I guess that's one good thing) is being helped by my confusion as to my current man state of affairs either. Not that I'm confused, it's just that the situation is all confused.

Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with F, a new potential. F was very keen last weekend and the emails and chatter were flying. But this week he has been silent. Really, the last thing I need is someone who has bundles of energy only to disappear. No, really.

On Monday, I have planned a play/shag session with Mr.Noshow. Mr.Noshow and I have been chatting, no more now than any other time really. It always goes in waves. Anyway, I made him take me to dinner at Oxo tower this week, which was really good and enjoyable and very expensive (though he can easily afford it). And in all the recent discussions, it just came up, as it frequently does come up with him, but seeing as how I am not getting any otherwise and I'm not interested in emotional attachment at the moment, it seemed like a good idea. And maybe it will be a good idea. Or maybe it's just a distraction. I don't see it as something that happens again. Just something to do. Something else to do. Or maybe someone else to do.

Email conversation continues with V and A, though I'm sure I've gotten rid of V after he went from possibly interesting to downright annoying. If you annoy me within the first two weeks via email, I don't really see how a relationship can emerge. With A, email is just being slow. So it's hard to say if there's possibility there or not.

You know, I really wasn't ready to look at those emails objectively and I so should not have tried.