I don't suppose it's going to come as a surprise that I'm thinking about the current situation with Mr.Aloof. And it's not that my thinking is going down paths that I think are damaging or harmful. It's just that I wish that I could see into the future better. I wish I could understand or know the outcomes later of actions taken now.
It's difficult for me because I am someone who always bounces ideas off friends. And while I may not follow their advice, I always value their counsel. Usually however, at least when it comes to relationships, I frequently look to my friends for advice because I haven't had that many 'relationships' really. I guess the tricky thing now, is that I'm way off the charts for my friends realm of experiences. All they can share with me is that they are concerned (as I have said before) that I might get hurt, and also, that by following this route, I don't have a future. On the other hands, my friends see that I am happy and having experiences that I want to be having. So they have no answers and... neither do I.
It is probably exactly these thoughts that are on my mind. Let me address them one at a time. First, that I might get hurt. As of yet, I am still managing to keep my emotions checked. I don't expect Mr.Aloof (or toy) to 'be' there for me. Not in the way I would expect a partner to be there for me. Because I don't hold them to this level of expectation, I am not going to be hurt when they don't come through. In fact, I am probably holding Mr.Aloof (in particular) to a lower standard than he even deserves, simply in the interest of protecting myself and my feelings. I recognize I don't trust him to look out for me emotionally. Not really. But as long as I don't trust him, I don't put myself in a position to be let down. Still, I recognize that his actions might be chipping away ever so slowly at my resolve. It's not even close to breaking down the barrier yet, but what if things continue this way? I can't let myself rely on him, because then he could hurt me. But right now, since I don't trust him, I also don't see that happening. Am I in control and monitoring the situation well enough, or am I being blindsided? So there's that on my mind.
And the future thing. That sort of bothers me too. Lets say everything is fine. Lets say I continue down this path, being happy. Then what? There isn't marriage and a family at the end of this line. I feel like I have to deny part of myself for the other. The problem is, I can't even envision the situation where my different leanings could be appeased by one person. I feel like I can't have both- the sexual adventure and the committed partner. I feel like I have to make a choice. And right now, I know what choice I want to make. I want to keep on with this exciting and thrilling and exhilarating opportunity that I could never have even imagined happening to me in a million years. But I do worry about the personal cost. I know that I have years yet before a family is out of the question. And I know I don't even need a partner to have a family. So what am I giving up exactly? Certainly nothing I currently have. Nothing I'm guaranteed. So maybe I should learn to let go and just live in the moment.
The problem with being a thinker though, is that letting go and living in the moment really isn't our forte. But I am trying. Because I realize that when I'm not worried about it all the time, I'm pretty much just stupidly happy. And shouldn't that be the point to living one's life? Along with 'do no harm' and 'make the world a better place' and all that. Isn't happiness the goal? I guess I'm just worried that I'm missing something or making some huge mistake. Of course, if that is the case, the only person who gets hurt is me. And I can handle that, can't I?
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