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And straight into work. For a change though, it actually feels like I took a vacation that was a real vacation. I went someplace different. I didn't have any agenda or anything in particular to do. I hung out with a friend, and then I came back.
Berlin is a strange place. It's very large and grand for how underpopulated it is. And the reunification of the east and the west has been a strange business at times. It has resulted in no clear center, many different spots of intensification and two of almost everything. But it's a very pleasant city, if a bit large. There are loads of trees and parks and other green spaces. The sidewalks tend to be large and pedestrian friendly, and are accentuated in many places by cafes or restaurants that spill out.
I had some special green Berlin beer (which is regular beer with some sort of candy flavor additive put in it). They drink a lovely combination of banana and cherry juice. I ate at a restaurant that Bill Clinton ate at which was not surprisingly impressively good, but perhaps surprisingly not so expensive. We also ate at this strange Berlin wine bar where they just open bottles and serve food and when you leave you pay what you think you should. It's really no surprise that this sort of establishment works in Germany, I'm not sure it would work anyplace else!
So really, it was all very enjoyable aside from a bit too much rain and my shoes ripping my feet apart. But all in all a really good time! So now, work like a maniac. Going to a place called Scunthorpe tomorrow for an interview. All I know is every time I mention this to people here they come up with some song that goes 'Who put the cunt in Scunthorpe' which should tell you something. Thursday night with the Aloof one and Friday the flatmates move out!
Madness.....
I often joke that I am a very lazy person. And in some ways, I believe wholeheartedly that I am indeed, a very lazy person. Take this weekend for example. The weather has been slightly spotty, but overall okay. And I have left my flat exactly once to go meet SA and his sister for dinner, because she was leaving to go back to the States today and it would have been really bad if I didn't go out for dinner.
Of course we only went to dinner about a three minute walk from my house, but still, I left the house. Other than that, I have been generally zoning out and doing nothing in particular. Oh, okay, I changed my sheets and flipped my mattress and did some laundry and some knitting and some cooking (I now have lunch for both tomorrow and Tuesday, go me!) but really, is that much of anything at all? I think not, and therefor, I think I am very lazy.
On the other hand, there are limits to my laziness. I am lucky enough now to be at a time in my life when money is not generally an issue. I don't have loads of money, but I also don't buy loads of things. This means I generally live within my means and therefor, money is no big issue at the moment. I am concerned however that this will change shortly as the flatmates are moving out which will deprive me of a substantial contribution to my monthly living. Looking at my bank statements for the past few months, it is clear that I am only doing okay by way of money because of the rent I collect. No rent and I will find myself eating into my savings. So I am going to need to start cutting back on my already meager spending. Mostly this will mean curtailing my eating out. So we'll see how that goes.
There was a time in my life when money was not as easy a thing to try and get my mind around. Being a student, being young- the only jobs I could get barely paid my way. I have had credit card debt at various points which I have paid off. And I still have loads of student debt from my graduate degrees (but those don't really count in a way). And of course there's my mortgage. But generally I have paid off all my debt at this point and I even have savings which in a pinch could last me a few months of living and I feel okay with that.
It's struck me recently though, talking to a few people here and there, that maybe I'm not so lazy. I have a job, I work, I manage my life. I've been recently exposed to some folks who can't seem to support themselves. This is a thought that not only terrifies me, but is also one that I simply don't understand. I know people who have no jobs, or temporary or part time jobs and they struggle to make ends meet, run up debt, and generally complain about having no money.
The thing is, all of these people could have money if they would just take a job and stick with it. But for whatever reasons, they don't want the jobs that they can get. Like somehow it would be beneath them to do such menial work. And yet, what are their options? You don't get ahead in life without paying your dues. Everyone has done it. I don't know how these particular people got by in life thinking they were owed anything except the hand they were dealt. If I was not working in my professional field, I would probably be making loads more money just temping or doing secretarial work. Hell, I made more temping in college per hour than I made for years and years in my profession. I suppose what drove me then was not money, but satisfaction. Still, if I found that I couldn't pay my bills or support myself, damn sure I'd be going back to where I knew I could earn some money while I tried to figure out what to do next. What I would not do would be to go live with my parents or collect welfare (or live on the dole) or generally just sit around and boo hoo myself about how I can't earn enough money to support myself because that's just bullshit.
I don't know. I think I just got a bee in my bonnet about this recently. I just found I had no patience to listen to people complain about not having money when what they were really saying is that they didn't want to make choices that might otherwise be unpleasant. Most of the time I have come to find it's not about how one can't get a job, it's how one won't get a job. There's a huge difference. Lazy people.
I spent most of my evening yesterday locked in a cage, which actually suited me just fine.
I have not been feeling the best. In all honesty I should have cancelled plans to go down and see toy and Mr.Aloof, but I really wanted to see them, so I went. But then I wasn't in the best of moods so I got tossed in the cage for the majority of the evening which was actually very relaxing and pleasant.
Of course, there was that other bit of time where I was bent over the sofa getting wailed upon with whip, belt, and cane. But then it was back to the cage. Isn't it nice that my bruises had just pretty much vanished now only to be replaced with brand spanking new ones? I can't wait to check these ones out in the mirror this evening. And go to bed.
The thing is, since Wednesday I've just been feeling nauseous. Haven't been eating very much and the thought of all food sort of makes me gag. I'm going to spend my weekend holed up in bed reading books and sleeping and taking vitamin C in the hopes that I cure whatever this bug is. It just had to be for the weekend though didn't it? I guess it's good it's not next weekend though, then I'm off to Berlin.
Not that it comes as much of a surprise here. I've spent the majority of my lifetime thinking. I suppose this is part of why my friends rely on my to be insightful. However, every now and then I wish it was easier to change the direction of my thoughts. I guess it's just hard when you don't have an answer. Things aren't always black and white.
I don't suppose it's going to come as a surprise that I'm thinking about the current situation with Mr.Aloof. And it's not that my thinking is going down paths that I think are damaging or harmful. It's just that I wish that I could see into the future better. I wish I could understand or know the outcomes later of actions taken now.
It's difficult for me because I am someone who always bounces ideas off friends. And while I may not follow their advice, I always value their counsel. Usually however, at least when it comes to relationships, I frequently look to my friends for advice because I haven't had that many 'relationships' really. I guess the tricky thing now, is that I'm way off the charts for my friends realm of experiences. All they can share with me is that they are concerned (as I have said before) that I might get hurt, and also, that by following this route, I don't have a future. On the other hands, my friends see that I am happy and having experiences that I want to be having. So they have no answers and... neither do I.
It is probably exactly these thoughts that are on my mind. Let me address them one at a time. First, that I might get hurt. As of yet, I am still managing to keep my emotions checked. I don't expect Mr.Aloof (or toy) to 'be' there for me. Not in the way I would expect a partner to be there for me. Because I don't hold them to this level of expectation, I am not going to be hurt when they don't come through. In fact, I am probably holding Mr.Aloof (in particular) to a lower standard than he even deserves, simply in the interest of protecting myself and my feelings. I recognize I don't trust him to look out for me emotionally. Not really. But as long as I don't trust him, I don't put myself in a position to be let down. Still, I recognize that his actions might be chipping away ever so slowly at my resolve. It's not even close to breaking down the barrier yet, but what if things continue this way? I can't let myself rely on him, because then he could hurt me. But right now, since I don't trust him, I also don't see that happening. Am I in control and monitoring the situation well enough, or am I being blindsided? So there's that on my mind.
And the future thing. That sort of bothers me too. Lets say everything is fine. Lets say I continue down this path, being happy. Then what? There isn't marriage and a family at the end of this line. I feel like I have to deny part of myself for the other. The problem is, I can't even envision the situation where my different leanings could be appeased by one person. I feel like I can't have both- the sexual adventure and the committed partner. I feel like I have to make a choice. And right now, I know what choice I want to make. I want to keep on with this exciting and thrilling and exhilarating opportunity that I could never have even imagined happening to me in a million years. But I do worry about the personal cost. I know that I have years yet before a family is out of the question. And I know I don't even need a partner to have a family. So what am I giving up exactly? Certainly nothing I currently have. Nothing I'm guaranteed. So maybe I should learn to let go and just live in the moment.
The problem with being a thinker though, is that letting go and living in the moment really isn't our forte. But I am trying. Because I realize that when I'm not worried about it all the time, I'm pretty much just stupidly happy. And shouldn't that be the point to living one's life? Along with 'do no harm' and 'make the world a better place' and all that. Isn't happiness the goal? I guess I'm just worried that I'm missing something or making some huge mistake. Of course, if that is the case, the only person who gets hurt is me. And I can handle that, can't I?
Last night I had a very strange dream about some sort of funeral anniversary for my Aunt. And my mother was there. And we were going someplace, and then we had to ski on grass. There was a guy helping to guide us and he was saying that skiing on grass is tricky because it's much slicker and quicker. And it was, so in my dream I was really just trying to dig in my skis and slip sideways down the hill as opposed to actually skiing because then I would just shoot off and it frightened me.
The week has managed to pass relatively quickly. Monday seems like only yesterday and all the days in between are just a blur. I suppose I have been marking time by the changing of my bruises. Lots of yellow now and the very angry red and purple bits are starting to soften. Though oddly there are a couple of belt lashes still very much visible in pale red. Those don't seem to be going much of anywhere. I find them amusing.
The flatmates are gone for the weekend, so I have the place to myself. The weather is supposed to be shitty, so I may try to do the big spring clean I had intended to do two weeks ago. And I really want to hang my curtains- it's only been about two years now, I figure it's time.
I plan on going to the gym, cooking more Japanese food from my fantastic book, I may go see a film, and I may try to go to this large flooring and carpet store that I've seen, because as soon as the flatmates move out I am going to replace the carpeting on the stairs and upstairs which will hopefully solve my moth problem once and for all. My main question though is whether or not I tell the flooring people (who will be removing my current carpet) that I think it's infested? I feel that this may reduce my chances of their actually removing it. I mean, do they put new carpet in the same vans they use to take away old carpet? Tricky.
Even though it may be mundane, I plan on thoroughly enjoying my weekend though. Oh yes indeed.
This week is going to kill me. I can't believe that it's only Tuesday. It's like something huge happened and then somehow it's like it didn't happen at all and I'm locked into the same dreary routine. I can understand now, why people tend to split aspects of their personalities, to compartmentalize things. Because when everything spills over it just becomes something of a jumbled mess.
Sitting is just tolerable today. I guess I should be thankful that between the two of them, no one had particularly good aim to be hitting me square and centered. Instead most of my soreness and bruising is on my hips. So really, as long as I sit very very still, I hardly notice it. I took some time this morning to peer at all the marks in the mirror. The outline of the belt is perfectly visible in numerous red and purple locations. My hidden secret. I just have to make sure I keep wearing long tops until I'm sure nothing would be revealed accidentally by my turning or moving about. I dislike the idea of upsetting someone for no reason. And I do know people don't understand. Even people who generically understand can be unsettled by seeing the actual physical results.
Things at work trickle on. I had my review which seemed to go well, but of course the outcome is uncertain. I have to wait and see if they follow through on things discussed or not, and in a reasonable time frame. Otherwise it's all just lip service. But I guess I'm glad it's over, and I'm glad it generally went well.
I guess there is nothing very pressing at the moment. Work is easing into a conclusion for this massive project. I have a trip to Germany in a few weeks, but that's still a few weeks. And there just isn't anything else in the schedule. Maybe that lends itself to this feeling of languor. Or maybe it's hormones. It's time for hormones again. Any day now I expect to go fully batshit crazy.
Well, let me answer that since you can't see me. Yes, yes I do.
Now, should I disclaimer this post for the easily offended? If you are easily offended by posts of a sexual nature or alternative lifestyle description, please go elsewhere now.
So yesterday I headed south to see Mr.Aloof and toy. As it turns out, there was also a picnic barbecue planned with a variety of people Mr.Aloof knows, so that was first. Actually it was sort of strange- I have heard about some of these people for all the time I've known him, but met none of them. And then there were people I've not heard of at all. I'm sort of surprised he invited me actually. I wonder what changed.
At any rate, I showed up at his place and toy was there and one other person, then others showed up. Then we bundled into two cars and went to the house of someone else who had a huge garden and a barbecue so we set up all the food and some of her neighbors joined as well so it was a very eclectic mix.
Sitting in the sun on a lazy Sunday afternoon was nice though. And I think I got a little bit of sun, but not nearly enough to take away my Whitey McWhitington status. But enough to make me feel tired and drowsy, as all good Sunday picnics should.
At around 5:45 we bundled back into the cars and to Mr.Aloof's house where there was some chilling out and coffee drinking before everyone needed to catch their trains. Both cars were needed to take people to trains so that left me and toy home alone. We had discussed how a nap would be lovely and thought it would be amusing to head up to bed for a nap and let Mr.Aloof find us like that when he returned. So off we went, and it was nice to get to know her a bit better with some 1 on 1 time. We ended up side by side each with an arm draped across the other in excellent nap position when we heard the key in the lock and decided to pretend to be asleep. Mr.Aloof came upstairs and must have seen us and decided to leave us to nap, because he went back downstairs and one could hear washing up and the like, so we napped in earnest for a while, and after some time changed position so as to spoon.
But the desire for sleep seemed to be passing slowly, as I felt toy idly stroking my arm that was wrapped around her as I played with her hair and her neck. This went on for some time of just idly touching one another while tightly spooned. Then she shifted to roll towards me and hands no longer confined by our position roamed further. Slowly and gradually it built up into a girlie make-out session as all pretense of napping vanished. I'm sure the noises that started to come out of the room through the open door alerted Mr.Aloof that something was going on, but he stayed away. After a lot of messing about on top of clothes and all sorts of grinding and gasping and squirming and moaning I found my shorts being tugged off and toy settled between my legs.
It was perhaps halfway through this activity that I finally heard the creaking of footsteps on the stairs and knew Mr.Aloof was coming. It didn't stop toy however, and it didn't stop me from simply enjoying the activities. For as much time as she had been there, she continued as Mr.Aloof idly stood in the doorway watching us. Eventually I felt quite shaky and worn out and pulled her back up to kiss and hold as we rolled over and began the usual preparations of changing sides. I'd gotten her clothes off and was just south of her belly button when Mr.Aloof told me to get up and get off the bed. Poor toy. But I complied. Slowly assessing the situation we stayed like that, motionless for a moment or two. Then he motioned to toy to come to him and she did, stroking him through his jeans. He told her to go downstairs.
Crossing over to me, he said he was taking toy downstairs and I was to stay put, light some candles in the room and generally prepare it for her return, and that upon her return I was to pick up where I left off and make sure I did a good job of it or else. I believe he may have said this while holding a fistful of my hair and asked if I understood. First I nodded, but he demanded a verbal answer so I simply said "Yes.".
He looked me in the eye, still gripping me tightly and replied, "Yes what?". Now, there is of course a point of contention here about the name thing. Have I mentioned this before? Last October, when things went almost to the brink of immolation, I stopped calling him by name. Of course I refer to him to other people by name, but never call him a name to himself. And some where along the line I pointed this out to him, and then it became an issue. As it stands, I call him a name that no one else uses, just as he calls me a name that no one else uses. And so I knew what he wanted but all I did was look him square in the eye and smirk. Which got me about ten seconds of returned eye to eye staring before he spun me around, threw me to the bed, and stuck a knee in my back, pulling his belt from its loops.
Now I tried to crawl away but he just grabbed my ankle and dragged me back as the belt started swinging. The belt is not an instrument that one can warm up on and then increase in intensity. It is simply intense. And it was probably only five or six strikes before I rolled as far as I could and curled around into a ball and said "Yes, S!" At which point he tossed the belt in the corner and headed downstairs.
And so I waited. Toy came upstairs to use the bathroom and had a look at the marks now crimson across my backside murmuring both respect and folly. Mr.Aloof came upstairs at one point to grab something out of his toy chest, which I assumed was rope, and did turn out to be rope. Both returned again at least one other time, because I know things were said, but it's hard to say in what order. Eventually however, toy returned, in a rope chest harness and with a rope 'bar' binding her wrists but keeping them about a foot apart. She asked (told) me to go get her a glass of water and glass of wine, so I headed downstairs to the kitchen where Mr.Aloof was hanging out the back door ignoring me. So I went about my business and ignored him, heading back upstairs. Helping toy with her drinks of choice, eventually she settled back and we picked up where we had left off.
Of course what is perhaps an interesting side note here, is while I have on various occasions messed around with women, I've never actually gone all the way downtown. I mean, I've been inches away from it before, but shied back. And I've certainly enjoyed the attention of various women, it was just never fully reciprocated. Until now. After some time enjoying ourselves toy asked me to go get Mr.Aloof and a drink for him, which I did. Returning to the bedroom, toy suggested I pick up where we'd left off, but this time Mr.Aloof was there as well, watching and touching or kissing one of us. Toy was giving me directions for what she wanted, which I tried to follow, but lets remember, it was my first time at this particular activity. And likely through prior arrangement, she said to Mr.Aloof when he asked that I didn't seem to be following as well as she would have liked. So I was unceremoniously hauled off the bed again and pushed to be bent over it. I tried to look behind me to see what was going on when Mr.Aloof's full weight fell onto me pressing me into the mattress, "I would seriously avoid moving if I were you." he said threateningly into my ear.
And so I waited, but did not have long to wait before I felt Mr.Aloof's whip come crashing into me. I tried to stay stoic, but as with the belt, there was no warm-up. These were full fledged, full strength hits, and they were hard. Soon I started yelping and squirming away. Next thing I knew, Mr.Aloof was at my head, grabbing my arms and pinning them to the bed, when the whip picked up again, though not nearly as skillfully. Mr.Aloof made some comments while toy practiced. Eventually getting some good hits in, particularly if they fell where one of Mr.Aloof's had already fallen. I started to squirm a bit, but Mr.Aloof held me firm. Eventually he moved back to the side of the bed, taking the whip from T got a few more strikes in for good measure before positioning us both back where we were and suggesting I try again. And so I did, though now Mr.Aloof joined into the activities by positioning himself by toy's mouth.
Soon my recollection of the evening becomes a blur. Nudity, sex, and touching. New positions that require three people, that I had only previously seen in photographs. And more beatings as well. Toy practiced with the whip again but also the belt. And I was and am rather gloriously marked between the two of them. A break for a bath and drinks, and then even more activity, though to be fair in this latter part of the evening I was less an active participant which suited me fine at the time. Then sleep. Or, I think there were donuts in bed, and then sleep rather, though I personally didn't have a donut.
It was a remarkable sort of evening, as nothing had been planned or pre-determined. No one was left out. No one was neglected. It was all rather spontaneous but would have been hard to plan better. Just a shame it had to be a Sunday night seeing as how I had to drag my sorry self up at stupid-o-clock to make the two hour journey from Mr.Aloof's to work. And sitting here on my hard little chair all day is not what the doctor ordered for my sore and battered backside. Though I must admit to looking forward to going home so I can inspect the repercussions at my leisure....
