Getting Lost

Well, it was bound to happen.

I think that because I was only in New York for five days. My mother tends to bring out the worst. Hastens the process. Still, my father is no savior. It's just that the process is slower. It hasn't even been two full weeks yet and I can feel that I am losing my grounding on my sense of self. Clinging desperately to the edges as they retreat into the unknown.

Sometimes I consider this is likely how I view death. It must be like this. People say they will miss you, and they want you to return. But their lives go on. Things more present and demanding require their focus. Text and email become less frequent. Of course were I there, the contact would be regular and instantaneous. I wouldn't even feel that I needed it. But now I feel that I need it more than anything- proof that my other life exists. Proof that I have escaped this one.

I'm also very tired of studying and test taking. I need to not be doing this right now, and instead be delving into the pages of my books. The second exam went very much like the first. If I had to take it again, I don't think there would be anything I would do differently. So this is worrisome, because if I get the fail letter, it will only tell me which section I failed, but not why. I'll have to deduce that on my own. I really hope I don't fail. I really hope I pass.

Which of course leads me to think that this is the time that I am really going to finally fail. I'm extremely suspicious of having so much hope and allowing myself to tentatively feel positive. It doesn't help that I've talked to others now here who felt just as positive and secure, and failed. Six to eight weeks. Fucking hell.

I've also had a slight glitch on the relationship front. Actually, it's not a glitch. The relationship front actually has lots of really interesting and positive things going on right now. But yesterday I read this post on IC.... and the floodwater of ugly emotion that spewed forth from me in response to the written words- I could scarcely understand it. I thought I was past these feelings. I was sure I was past these feelings. Why did what this girl have to say bring about such negativity in me? And so this has been occupying my thoughts as well. Questioning myself rigorously about something I thought was okay. On the positive side, my conclusion is that I am actually okay, and there are a couple of understandable reasons that this girl inspires in me such hatred, but that I also need to get over it. I have the information I need. I can pity this girl, but I should not despise her.

Still, I was completely thrown by my disproportionate response.

So two more weeks to go. Which doesn't seem like very much at all. In fact, it will probably fly past faster than I anticipate. Especially with all I am hoping to cram in. Tuesday the exam, then Thursday or Friday I am heading to either the Berkshires or Boston, then Monday or Tuesday I return, then Friday back to London. See? That's nothing.

Soon I will be found.