Updates

There are actually so many little niggling things going on that it's almost impossible to make sense of it all, or put it in any sort of perspective or order. I have a pile of laundry to do that is threatening to take over my room, and I've also scheduled my Life in the UK test. I've gotten my bike serviced and rode it in to work, and work has sent around another set of redundancy letters- except this time they sent out around 40, but the three of us got them all again. I have scuba lesson two on Monday while my sinuses are still not completely clear, and I have won my battle with Hackney over the bike shed key except now I don't know when I'm going to get it sorted. My neighbour borrowed £200 pounds off me which made me somewhat uncomfortable, and I am going to see men in tights next Wednesday. The London Freewheel is next weekend, and I have a date (maybe) tomorrow.

I'm sure if you managed to read that carefully, you can determine for yourself which is probably the most important, but I feel like it's all deja vu except this time I am going to put my foot down about my visa issues and I will be damned if this is going to fuck up my ability to either get citizenship or for that matter stay in the country. Because that is fucking ridiculous at this point within a month and a half of being able to apply and be done with this paperwork bullshit forever.

Still, it's the same problem as before- it's putting your entire life on hold and second guessing all your plans because you just have no clue what the future is going to throw at you and you need to be ready to turn on a dime. I can't make commitments about important future like things because I don't know what my situation is going to be in a month's time let alone three.

But no, I won't stand for it now. If it had been me two months ago, I would have been inconvenienced and annoyed but I would have worked around it. Now, however, it's critical and my very few choices have been streamlined and reduced and I'm not going to let it all fall apart. I'm just not.

So this is so preposterous that I'm not even thinking about it like I was last time, I'm just exasperated at having so little knowledge or control over things that should be somewhat reliable, and I really just want to get through the next three months and get the things done I need to get done and be on the other side of it all.

So there's that.

Then the dating thing still weighs heavily on my mind. Therapy is not helping me I think in this respect and the more distance I get from Mr.Aloof (though I'm not at all suggesting it isn't still frequently on my mind), the more I just feel completely alone (and still pretty angry). What's the point of working on my issues or knowing my behaviors better when there is no one to test it out on? You don't go to therapy and get tester boyfriends to take home and experiment with. You go to therapy and talk about things that ostensibly will matter one day when I might meet someone new, but that's just not happening. Frankly, given my history and behavior patterns, I don't even know if it will happen. I do everything I'm supposed to do and I really just don't meet that many people. That's it. That's all there is to it. I may never meet someone. That happens to good, regular, nice, normal people. So it may just happen to me. And going to therapy to talk about it week after week is sometimes just really depressing. Because what difference does it make if I'm changing? My life isn't changing. My life isn't really all that bad. I wouldn't want it to change very much. I just don't have a boyfriend, and I have no clue what more I can do (other than what I'm already doing which is not 'nothing' but it's clearly not good enough).

Which I suppose comes back in a roundabout way to the fact that I have a maybe date tomorrow with a guy I contacted off IC because his profile interested me a bit and we exchanged a lot of chatter and agreed to meet. But is it a date really? I don't know. I can't even get my hopes up like that anymore. It's just an experience and an interesting person, and that's cool and great- but I guess my expectations are low and that's probably a really bad way to approach it.

I don't know. I'm clearly disgruntled and busy and have tons of things going on so that I don't have a moment to just sit and do nothing which is not particularly good for me under most circumstances. I'm a woman that needs my down time and my me time and my zoning out time and my lazy time and I am simply not having any of it so that I feel like I'm on autopilot and trying to keep all the plates in the air.

Then I get critical of this thinking that it's not all that much and I shouldn't be so damn lazy and it's not that difficult to keep those plates in the air really and I'm being a lazy so and so.

Fuck it's like there's so many things crowding my head that every sentence is becoming a run on sentence as well of lots of words and exasperation. Well. Whatever. That's what's going on around here.