Objectively I know this isn't the case, but it doesn't change how it feels right now. Let me run through my list and then I might feel better.
Mr.Aloof has gone AWOL since I changed the terms of our arrangement. Of course, the reason I changed the terms is there was too much shit going on in his life and toys life to accommodate our plans. So it's not really a surprise that what was a taught and stretched thread of contact has gone temporarily silent once the demand was released. Of course it doesn't help that yesterday and this morning I've seen him pop onto IC after a 20 day break. So what, enough time for IC but not enough time to drop me an email? I know this is crazy. Still, I'm irritated. It makes me feel like none of it mattered at all.
This morning I also got email from SH who is coming in for not one but two interviews early next week. We had talked earlier in the week where she indicated that R, her UK based boyfriend, was going out of town and I said well that's no problem, you can obviously stay with me. So she's arriving on Saturday morning because R isn't leaving until Sunday morning, so far, sensible. But then the email I got this morning suggests that maybe she and I can meet up for dinner Tuesday night before she leaves Wednesday morning. Which sort of implies that she'd rather stay in his empty flat alone rather than with me, in the flat where she is supposedly going to move to in a couple months time. And also where I could do stuff like cook meals, and provide someone to talk to since she's sure to be stressed and nervous about the interviews. So I'm annoyed. The past two trips I've stepped back so she could spend time with him (which made sense) but now he's not even going to be here and she'd rather be alone in a strange place and strange city rather than with anyone who might be able to help should something come up? It makes me feel like I'm only her friend when she needs me for something and the rest of the time I just drop in importance or estimation and am otherwise not important or useful to her.
On top of these two major cases of perceived abandonment, T also has plans for the weekend when I was really hoping to have some time there. And it may change, which would be cool, but I'm struggling a bit with again feeling like my time is wanted only when it's on someone else's schedule, not when I might need something. I know this is again not fair, but I can't help that it's how I feel, which I'm quite sure is being fueled by the other two cases above.
Oh, and M is going to spend all weekend worrying about and nursing her sick cat. I had plans (and may still have plans) to go over to hers either Saturday or Sunday night for dinner, but I thought maybe she could swing by during the day to help, but no, the sick cat takes precedence. But of course the sick cat takes precedence! I'm not even suggesting she should leave her sick cat, I'm just pointing out that it's bad timing for me personally.
So with all of this milling about, how I feel is just that everyone has abandoned me for their own pursuits. That I don't really matter to anyone and am otherwise under appreciated. But it's rather telling that I can only call up four examples and I should also point out that SP and F have already offered to help me out on Saturday so I'm not being fair when I say everyone, it just feels that way.
Maybe part of it is also living alone, which overall I'm really enjoying, but I do find that I'm feeling rather 'alone'. So whether all of these things are the cause or are just contributing to an underlying feeling, I don't know. All I do know, is that I'm a bit grumpy today because of it. Well, we'll see what happens.
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