First, time. Last night I should have worked late. I knew I should have worked late, and yet, I could bring myself to do no such thing. It wasn't even an internal debate. I stayed about a half an hour late, and then as if through no will of my own, turned off my computer, got up, snatched my coat, and hurried out the door. Now this was not the best idea because I needed to do work. Work that needed to be done today, so that it could go to print tonight. Having attempted to do the actual work today, I realize that even had I stayed last night, I would have not been in any better situation today really.
Still, I didn't know that last night. And today has been panic and stress, and hard work. Even now, it's 7pm and I will be here an hour or two yet- I think. And there is still one more intensive drawing to complete and a lengthy application form to fill in. Gamble. It will be okay. But it's all close to the wire.
Caught. A strange and recurrent theme in my fantasies, and yet not something I ever think I enjoy in real life. I do not think of myself as someone who thrills at the chance of being caught. And yet, I am about to say something I may regret, because it could be found. Though I did that once before and I suppose it turned out alright, though to this day it still burns me some if I think about it.
Mr.Cheese wrote me some email today. Mostly naughty. And what do I think of this? In the midst of our exchange I pointed out that flirting with someone you told wasn't your choice wasn't quite right, not to mention if he was starting something up with someone new I was sure she wouldn't appreciate him having such conversations with me. At which point he countered that he wasn't pursuing things with that girl anymore. But still, I got told I wasn't good enough, and a girl doesn't forget these things really. Silly I guess, because had he said nothing at all, who would be the wiser? It's just that he did say something and I'm not sure I can go backwards and forget that didn't happen. It's simply not worth it for just naughty flirting. And to be fair, I'm still a bit disappointed about it.
One thing I'm not disappointed about however, are my current feelings in regards to Mr.Aloof. Communication has been poor since the incident, which is not unexpected or worrisome. However, what is interesting is how I feel about it. I feel nothing. They say that it takes you half the time you were with someone in order to be over them. If that's in any way true, I've just hit that point in my relationship/non-relationship with Mr.Aloof, even if our time post-together included a hook-up. I think about him and I just feel slightly irritated, a bit sad that he's such a miserable person, and basically nothing else. I have no motivation to contact him. I don't want to see him. In a way, this makes me sad, that I don't have the rush that came with those feelings once upon a time. But in the big picture, this is probably progress and puts me in a better place to really be looking for someone new who is the right one for me.
The last one wasn't a gamble. That was just extra musing.
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