Of Course

On Friday I went to the London Munch.  I haven't been for a while, but H wanted to go and as she's not always in London it was a good excuse to meet up.  And of course it was a good excuse to see some other people I haven't seen for a while as well.

I had the opportunity to spend a good part of the evening talking to B.  I know H and B have known each other a long time, but B seems uninvolved in most of H's shenanigans and so I haven't really had an opportunity to meet him before although I knew what he looked like.  He seemed really cool.  We had a good bit of conversation.  He's cute.  And of course he isn't interested in me in the slightest.

Which of course makes me feel unhappy.

There isn't anything to be done about it.  If I was thinking more objectively, I would know that H must have known there would be no interest otherwise she might have introduced us before now.  And I don't really know him, it was more a brief infatuation.  A spark.  But I can't help but be disappointed nonetheless.

This is on the tails of me having recently been to a fertility clinic to discuss the potential for egg freezing as I watch my remaining child conceiving years slip slowly away.  My mom instigated this- she offered to pay for it after reading a long article about parents paying for their daughters to have their eggs frozen in the New York Times.  It's not something I would pay for myself, but with someone else paying, my perspective changes somewhat.  My first meeting with the doctor was good.  He didn't try to push anything on me or sell me.  Answered all my questions.  Was very calm about the whole thing.  Of course that could just be his approach, but it resulted in me thinking that maybe it is a good thing to do.  I may decide I want kids later, either with someone or on my own.  And if I do this, and it's successful then it "freezes" my chances for pregnancy at the age I am now, 38.  While my chances are still reasonable.  It just gives me an option that I may regret not having later.  So... why not?

This will hopefully be after I return from Australia in the new year.  This trip is approaching faster than I don't know what.  I'm looking forward to it, but stressed about taking so much time out.  I'll need to do work while I'm away but I'm afraid I won't do any at all.  Luckily, I just got my yearly maintenance cheque, four months late which means I've lived four months without it and feel like I have a little bit of extra money to enjoy myself on this trip, so that's good.  I need some enjoyment!!  Hopefully swimming in the bay and going for some nice bike rides will help towards that.  And if I can find a spa or something similar, then I might try that as well.  Not looking forward to the flights of course.  But nothing to be done for that except drugs and more drugs.  I did manage to stock up though, so at least I'm all set for that.

Other stuff going on with other folks but can't muster up the interest to write about them right now.  I'm still wallowing in my own imagined rejection.  Feeling sorry for myself and lonely.  What else is new?

Country Pains

In two days time we will have our presidential election.  It's neck and neck and I'm really not sure who will win.  Obviously I hope very much that Obama wins, and I have already voted by absentee ballot- not that it matters much, as a New York voter, my state pretty much always goes democratic for president.  But the state of my country is worse than embarrassing, it's actually deeply disturbing.

It happened around the time of Reagan and heading into Bush senior, that politics started to become more and more divided.  This reached a new milestone with the persecution of Clinton and the mud slinging that happened around the Lewinski affair.  Since then, our politics have become more and more polarized.  The country less and less able to make decisions that motivate or inspire the public as a whole.  When I look at the state of my country, I see a place on the verge of some sort of collapse.  I don't blame this wholly on the bipolar state of the country, because as much as Americans would like to think otherwise, the current economic crisis is not unique to the States and the States will not be able to "get out of it" without the rest of the world "getting out of it too".

Still, I see no easy way for the States to heal the rift that seems to continue to spread.  I read political posts saying that their candidate is sure to win a "landslide".  I suggest that these writers look up the phrase and we all accept that no matter who wins the presidency, it will not be won by a landslide and the rift will continue to grow.  It's time we all realize that it's not about who wins and who loses but it's about compromise and that no one should be getting 100% of what they want.  This is a terrible time for American politics and for America.

I want Obama to win because I think he is the best chance America has for limping along and successfully navigating the current global crisis.  Yes, we survived eight years of W, but I don't think we can survive four more years of extreme right wing economic policy under Romney.  On the other hand... is it merely postponing the inevitable?  Is global western power meltdown inevitable?  Would it actually be better to hasten this destruction to let the world be reborn in whatever new form it is going to take?  Of course, if it happens, I fear that the BRIC countries will be the ones to rise to power.  Are they ready or capable of addressing the global problems we all face or under their leadership would it seal the fate of billions of human beings and destroy the capacity for the planet to easily maintain human life to the level we currently enjoy?

Don't get me wrong- I don't worry about "the planet".  Climate change and global eco-system collapse won't kill the planet.  But it will kill off an unthinkable amount of human beings.  We can't keep consuming and polluting and keep going the way that we are going now.  Something will have to change.  Something will eventually happen that will be catastrophic.  And we will all suffer because of it.  Is it wrong to wish to postpone it?  Or like a band-aid would it be better to rip it off quickly, although it would mean that a good part of my life may be unpleasant because of it?

Well, I already voted.  Because too many people have fought and died for me to have the right to do so.  And I believe in civic responsibility.  Still, I don't vote for who I think is the best, rather I vote for who I think is the least worse.  I voted for the tiny slim chance I think exists to avert catastrophe.  But I'm afraid that it may already be too late.

Holding Steady

Why not keep with the current theme?  So today I'm lounging about in my pajamas.  I need to get my shit together and go up to Cambridge.  The weather hasn't been ideal so I'm not looking forward to going out on my bike in the cold and rain.  I yet to find a suitable pair of waterproof pants that go over existing pants.  By the time I get the right size to fit over my ass, they are way too long and not the easiest things in the world to shorten.  Ho hum.

Last night was dinner club at my house which was good fun.  We did Greek and so my fridge is now full of yummy leftovers.  Although I need to figure out what I'm doing with most of it before going away for the week.

So I'm not feeling quite as down as I was before.  Still not great, but not as low.  As usual, the main issue that bogs me down is the relationship thing.  While I think I'm much better than I was in the past about how I look at these things, it hasn't panned out that I've happened to get a relationship in all this time (that's lasted).  I was a little bit annoyed earlier this week when a friend of mine said something to me about how I was focused on my career, or have been focused on my career and that I didn't really have time for a relationship.  I believe she said this to me in order to make me feel better, but it didn't really.  Because I will always have 'a career' and I don't think having one prohibits you from having a relationship.  As for time- I manage to make time to see friends (like her) and others.  And while I'm not in the same city every week, I could certainly manage to fit someone in if they were worth it.  On top of which, I may be focused on my career- but what else do I have to be focused on?  I go on dating sites, I contact people.  I go on dates (when they ever write me first or write me back).  So what should I be doing instead in all this time?  I'm doing the right things, and it still hasn't happened for me.  I don't like it, but I also don't need to feel as though it's my fault.  It's not anyone's 'fault', it's just unfortunate.  And no, I don't like it.  But so what.  Life's not fair you know.

Anyway.  Who knows what will happen in the future.  I can only live each day as it comes and try to make the best out of the things within my control and spend less time worrying about the things outside of my control.  I'm not happy about my relationship status or situation.  But I am doing what I can do and if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.  Life's not fair.  That's all I can tell myself.  Not blame myself.  I spent far too many years doing that.

Sinking

A general feeling of malaise has settled in over me.  I suppose it's been growing for some time but I can feel it now.  Can't quite shake it off.

I wonder if it's due to going off the pill.  Hormones are such a tricky thing.  I don't think I've made note of that here.  This whole fertility/pill/egg freezing thing.  My mother wants me to see if it's possible to freeze any eggs.  I feel... ambivalent about this.  But I agreed to see the doctor and get more facts.  Of course just to see the stupid doctor you have to be off the pill for four months.  So I stopped my pills, and it's been four months.  I need to make an appointment.  I don't have particularly high hopes for this endeavor given that I only have one ovary left and am 38.  But facts and knowledge are better than ignorance.  I suppose I'll have more to say about this, when I know more.

But in ways it's related to the malaise and in ways it's not.  It is because I see that all of my friends of age have children or are having children and that I am not in any position to even be considering having children in any way shape or form at the moment.  I have that sense of running out of time.  Although I look at babies and small children (especially) and I find I have no interest in them.  But I did always think I would have a family.  It just hasn't worked out that way.  My life is great in almost every other way, but not this one.  And there's not much I can do about it, and certainly not much else that I'm not already trying to do about it.  So there's that.

Then I'm coming in to the last year of the PhD.  It's unsettling and I feel overwhelmed and like I'm not capable of pulling this off.  Like I've just been fucking about for three years and I'm about to exposed as the fraud and lazy sod I sometimes feel like I am.  This one worries me less.  I know I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do in the next year, and right now it all seems a big ungainly mess.  But once I settle in and start actually doing some work I think I'll feel better about it.

More worryingly is the sense of isolation I've been feeling.  Which isn't necessarily sensible, as I spend a lot of my time socializing with people.  But there is something missing.  I feel removed from my friends in some way.  Separate or outside.  Not when I'm with them- not when I'm out doing things.  But when I have time to myself which, despite the fact that I am busy all the time, I seem to also have plenty of.  Sort of.  I guess I count work time as 'alone time' which maybe is because the PhD is such a solitary thing to be doing.  Even when you're with other people, for example, in my of office in Cambridge where all the PhD students sit together, you're still just working on your own thing that no one else is working on.

Of course there's also the cold and the weather and the dark.

It's sort of depression, although not, I don't think, the crippling clinical depression that people are afflicted by.  I don't think drugs or therapy will help me.  Just need to muddle through.  Acknowledge how I'm feeling right now.  Keep an eye on it.  Keep doing everything I'm supposed to be doing.  After all, what else can I do?

Drifting

Just read my last post and it seems it's entirely what I could say today.  Time has moved forward, writing has not happened.  Again, I can succinctly recall a list of highlights and other moments will be lost to time.  But it's true you know.  The older I get the less things seem to matter.  It used to mean a lot more to me to write things down.  Not just to write things down but to write things to other people.  I feel I have become more and more introverted.  I don't feel the pressing need to write things down as much as I used to.  I don't feel the pressing need to reach out and be in touch with my friends like I used to.  Which isn't to say that I'm not in touch with friends.  My social life at times seems to be ridiculously busy.  But it doesn't mean as much to me in terms of needing it as I think it used to.  I'm not sure I can convey what I mean succinctly.  Because I still crave contact with others.  Maybe I'm just more secure in it now.  And maybe I fight against things less.  Adult apathy has set in?  Not exactly.  I am still someone who holds very strong opinions and is fond of conveying them to people.  But something has shifted over all this time.  I know it.  I just can't put my finger on it.

Without further ado, the list of memories.

• The Olympics were awesome.  I can't believe in fact, just how awesome they were.  I don't think I would ever travel to a city to see the Olympics, but to have it in my own city, and to end up with numerous tickets, mostly due to S, was incredible.  I went to four events and caught the woman's marathon in town.  I went to three Paralympic events as well.  It was a truly uplifting and inspirational series of events.  And the weather was good.  I can't wait for the park to re-open as a park.  The regeneration of the Stratford site as a park was exceptional.  Good memories, good times.
• S and T came back from Australia and I got to hang out with S a lot which was good.  Olympic tickets and all.  There was drama, because with them there always seems to be some drama.  I miss S.  I miss having him around.  I hate that they're in Australia.  And I'm sad that they don't seem to love it all that much.  But they're there and saving money and have fallen back into a groove.  So we'll see.  S said he'd buy me a ticket to come visit them out there, so that's currently in the planning stages.  Long ass flights.  That's all I have to say.
• My mom was here for 20 days.  and overall it went pretty well.  Only a few minor melt downs and one short big one.  Which really isn't bad for that length of time at all.  We went to Copenhagen, we went to Cambridge.  I got used to having her around, and I was sad when she left.  I am keenly aware that my time with my parents is less and less.  One day they will both be gone.  While I'm not super close with them in the sense that, we don't talk all the time.  As an only child, I know I will be sad in a way I cannot fathom now when they are truly and actually gone.  So I was glad to have what was, overall, a good experience with my mom.
• Copenhagen was awesome.  God I love that city.  Not having been there since I was 20, it had obviously changed tremendously.  But some things hadn't.  And the city itself is just so liveable and comfortable, although ungodly expensive.  That was a great trip.
• Which of course included a trip to NOMA.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  Wow wow wow.  I can't believe we got the reservations.  I can't believe we really got to go.  I can't believe I spent that much on a meal but it was absolutely worth it and I would spend it again.  Amazingly unbelievable.  Wow.
• After my mom left, I took a trip to Bordeaux with N.  Ostensibly it was to practice my french, which I have kept up with, but it was also to just have a real holiday holiday without family.  It was great actually.  Bordeaux is a lovely city and N was a fun traveling companion.  We stayed on budget which was awesome.  We ate a lot of duck which was awesome.  We cycled bikes which was awesome.  I'd like to make more excursions to France.  What would really be cool would be a residential language week.
• My work continues to truck along.  It's getting there, albeit slowly.  P is now officially my supervisor and A is gone.  That was awkward.  I still feel it's a very lonely and solitary exercise this PhD malarkey.  I will be glad when it's over.  I will also be in a state of disbelieve, I'm sure.
• S had her twin boys two months early.  The little one has heart trouble and will need open heart surgery but they all seem to be okay at the moment.  I hope she's happy.  The more I see people with kids, the less I want them in reality, although I would still like a family in theory.  As there is no dating going on in my life, that's a distant prospect at best.  In fact I feel fairly conflicted about the children issue.
• Although other friends of mine are still having ongoing children issues.  What I want is for my friends to be happy.  I'm not always sure that children make you happy, but what I want is for my friends to be happy, so I try to support them, in whatever they are trying to do to achieve their happiness.
• I have some teaching work which is great.  As I only have a year left on the PhD give or take, I'm starting to think about work things.  The future is a murky place.

I think that's a reasonable catch up since my last post.  Like I said, I'm sure there are many things I forgot.  Things of importance.  Things of note.  Now lost.  It's silly to say I'll try to write more, because it doesn't really matter.  I do want to write more.  I have things on my mind.  Maybe I'm being defeatist.  I don't write because I've given up hope that anything will change.  We'll see.  A bien tot.

Does Life Just Get More Boring As You Get Older?

Or do you just become less emotionally susceptible to all the little things that happen.  It will always make me sad that I have, over the past ten years (well, maybe six years) written less and less over time from how it used to be.  I don't think that there's necessarily less going on, but the level of significance I give to events has perhaps dropped. Or, quite wrongly, I am more convinced of my ability to remember things as I get older, when in truth the reverse seems to be true.

It's not that I don't think about writing, often.  I just don't do it.  But I should you know, not for the least of which reasons is that I'm about to undertake writing a fucking PhD which is like writing a book.  And what is it they say about writing?  You should do some every day in order to get better at it.  I guess I should write here every day then. Ha.

So there's no point in trying to record all the detail between the last post and now.  There have been some highlights however, both good and bad.  Maybe I should just make a list:

• I went to the States to see family and also to go to my 20th High School reunion.  It was actually kind of fun to go to the reunion and I enjoyed it.
• I went with my mom to see Cirque du Soleil at Radio City Music Hall.  I've never been before but always wanted to.  It was very cool.  I would go again.  What's not to like about amazing sets and costumes and bendy acrobats who fly through the air?  Seriously.
• My good friend is finally pregnant after I think 7 or 8 rounds of IVF with twins.  This was interesting news anyway, though it's progressed to be complicated. Apparently there is something wrong with the heart of one of the babies and he will need open heart surgery either immediately after birth or within the first year.  That really sucks.
• I had three dates with a guy who seemed like he had potential until at the end of our third date he told me he wanted to pursue something with someone else he had also been seeing.  But then that he didn't want to lose touch either because he felt we had a good connection.  This was an unpleasant throwback to how I felt when I wrote here.  I have come to realize this is a big deal for me.  Especially with my history of being not really the girlfriend or what have you.  Is it too much to ask to want to be with someone who --actually-- wants to be with me first?  Only?  You know, sometimes I think it is.  But at least these days I think I know better than to settle for anything less.  Oh, and before anyone feel too harshly about this guy, although the outcome upset me, I'm not mad at him and I might stay in touch because he's a little bit screwed up at the moment seeing as his long time girlfriend died from leukemia in March and lets be honest, he really probably isn't ready to date anyone yet at the moment.
• PhD drama.  Or rather, journal article writing drama.  On the one hand, I do want to say that my own work seems to be going really well, so that's actually very exciting and I'm happy about that.  Although now that I'm over the 2.5 year mark, I have to say I'm getting a little bit bored of it all in the sense that I sort of want to move on with my life, but that's not going to happen for some time yet.  But no, there are other parts to what I do that really upset me.  Mainly the other PhD student and my supervisor.  Both make me want to kill myself with a butter knife.  At any rate, I'm currently having irritating discussions with them around a journal article that the other student doesn't want to work on, which is under my authorship.  And my supervisor is trying to make me do all the work while keep him on as author.  This is such a convoluted story that I don't feel like typing out all the detail just now but suffice to say it's really pissing me off.  So that's annoying.
• Oh, in fun news, I took a french class!  That was loads of fun!!!  The Engineering Department has it's own language lab and runs its own classes which I haven't been able to take advantage of until now.  But they also do these 'summer intensives' so I worked out I could do it this year and I did.  I loved it.  Learning for the sake of learning, no tests, no pressure, just fun.  Small class.  Free.  I enjoyed it so much I found some online resources to keep it up with and I'm seriously considering if it will be possible for me to do the full class next year although it will require me to be in Cambridge once every week, so an extra trip every other week which may not work out, we'll see.  But anyway, it was great.
• My mom is coming to visit in September and we're going to Copenhagen for five days and we managed to score reservations for NOMA.  I could not possibly be more excited about that.
• There's been two nights of 'Dinner Club' which has been awesome.
• The Olympics are coming up and I have tickets for some events and also some paralympic tickets.
• My friend who has been in Australia for a year is coming back for a visit so I'm looking forward to seeing him.

I'm sure there are other things.  Now lost to time.

Somewhere Out There

So earlier this year I had some of my family come to visit and stay with me.  This included my step-mother and my two Aunts.  Basically the three women who are married to three brothers.  We left the men at home.

I had a great time with my family as they are a  quirky bunch.  Of course a past time of this side of my family is to complain about or gossip about the thing that holds us all together, my father and his two brothers (and the family from which they came).

Now I'm used to many odd stories, because my family is well, odd.  But I was somewhat disturbed that my two Aunts both told the same story that they had heard separately from their husbands (although I think the story was passed from one Uncle to the other).  At any rate, the story went something along the lines of, my father had gotten some woman pregnant.  When he refused to acknowledge her or do anything to assist her, she decided to punish him by taking herself and the unborn (?) child away.  Or maybe she had a baby boy.  The story is somewhat murky and to be honest, I should have written this down sooner.

My step-mother had not heard this story before and neither had I.  Now, my dad is a big philanderer (another story) and so it's not at all unexpected to have a story like this crop up.  In fact it was a somewhat running (not funny) joke for him to say I'm the only child he has that he knows of.  But it seems like perhaps this is not true.

I had thought that my step-mother would ask him about this when she got home, but she didn't.  I know this because I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago and I asked if she'd asked him about it because it just popped into my head.  But she said she would.

This past weekend I talked to my dad and step-mother and she tried to indicate to me that she had talked to him about it but as he was around and likes to eavesdrop, she couldn't really discuss it.  So it was more me asking questions and her giving yes no answers.  But the short version I got was that he said the story was true and doesn't have any more information.

So I have a half-sibling somewhere out there, possibly in an Asian country who  I have never met and who my father never acknowledged or helped in any way.  Part of me wonders if this person will at some point seek me out.  I on the other hand, have absolutely nothing to go on.

It feels weird though.  Very very weird.  So I thought I'd record it here, as to be honest, there is nothing else I can do with this strange bit of information.  Families are screwy.

Spy v Spy

So what exactly are the odds that the biggest hit by far on my blog yesterday was someone who was seemingly randomly looking through my archives and comes from the exact same city where the subject of the last post lives?

It is rather curious.  Being a cyber-stalker as I am, it tends to make you a bit paranoid to such things.  I do it, so there is no reason not to assume everyone isn't doing it, although, by all accounts, most people I know do not actually do it.

Do I care if it is her?  Not really.  But perhaps there is more to say than a few off-hand comments on the progress of her life.  The thing is, she owes me an apology that is so big, that is so huge, that I know it will never come.  She is far too self centered and self absorbed to do this because it is what should happen.  Rather, she would only do this if she wanted or needed something from me, and many years ago I think we reached the end of her wanting or needing anything from me.

Not that I was particularly aware of that at the time.  At the time, this girl was my very best friend.  We'd been best friends for eight years.  Lived together for some of those, were always close and in touch otherwise.  Or at least, this was my view of things.  I cared very much for her.  Enjoyed her company, liked her as a person- aside from all the crazy which actually just made me feel tremendously bad for her.  I never understood where all that crazy came from, and I was always sad that she adamantly refused to ever truly seek help for her issues, meaning she did not want to get better.  That was always a problem.

It was also always a problem that she had a tendency to 'move in' on people I was interested in or had expressed interest in.  Although in fairness in those days I never had much interest in anyone, having my own self-worth issues.  Still, that always bothered me.  So much so that I warned the person I had been living with (although not involved with) towards the end of this story.  I have no doubts that she tried it on with him at some point.  I would like to think nothing happened, but given both of their personalities, who knows.

When all was said and done I found a pad of paper in my car that she had left.  In it she had scribbled her name combined with the name of the barman she was pursuing over and over again in many different ways.  But also there was the start of a note to me.  A note that began to describe some sort of displeasure or upset.  It wasn't very complete.  It was the only clue I had.  Well, that and the knowledge that as things in my own life at that time became chaotic and messy, as my attention was not able to be fully on her, when she had been usurped in my thoughts by someone else, this is when she got angry at me.  When I needed her, she couldn't handle that.  I was the person who was there for her, not the other way around.  And one day, just like that, she stopped talking to me.  I didn't know it had happened.  I actually thought maybe she'd finally puked herself to death (something I am still mildly confused as to why it has yet to happen).  It took me time to work out what was going on, and when I did, there were still no answers.  There were never any answers.  I had a best friend (albeit a very badly acting one at that point who had slept with my neighbor and then slept with (and started dating) the guy I told her I really thought I liked) and then I didn't.

Did she think I would continue to pursue her?

I knew about the abortion and the break up, but not from her.  Then next I know, she was in my neighborhood, dating my local barman.  In a bar we had frequently gone to together, which was only a couple blocks from my house and not at all close to hers.  The barmaid, who we were both friendly with only asked me once what was going on and expressed her sadness at seeing us like this but I would have none of it.  I did not make the situation and I was not going to try to repair it.  That was up to her.  And she was clearly not interested.  Although there was no reason for her to be in my neighborhood either.  It wasn't as if we lived in a small city.

I always thought of her as extremely ego-centric.  Once she decided I was out of her life, I thought she would never think of me again, except in a self-righteous and indignant way to bolster her view of why she was right in how awfully she treated me.  I would be extremely surprised to learn that it was her who came to this blog.  It would mean that I touched in her some way that lingered.  Like she did with me.

I can't believe that is the case however.  It must just have been a coincidence.

Some Girls

So it's a well known fact that I cyber stalk.  I have had many disagreements with people I know about the morals or values in cyber stalking, but I don't care.  I'm okay with what I do.  What you put on the internet is fair game for my piqued interest.  Of course there are certain people that I stalk, a list if you will.  Some people are more regular, some have come and gone.  Generally, the rule is, if someone has done something I think is awful or ridiculous and somehow it touched me, then my stalking is generally to watch and see what happens to this (generally miserable) person.

So there is a girl that I stalk occasionally.  I used to stalk her with some degree of frequency but my interest waned, plus, she's a bit dull.  We used to be best friends.  I've written about her before.  Needless to say, our friendship ended in a rather spectacular and ugly way.  And so the die was cast.

I don't stalk her that much these days.  Occasionally.  She has a pinterest board though, that's my latest source.  That and I know two people who have friended her on facebook so I can also get details off of them sometimes.  At any rate, here's the deal.  This girl is bat-shit-crazy.  I mean seriously fucking nuts.  She may not seem nuts, but she is actually certifiable (and in fact, has been certified on more than one occasion).  So here's the thing that gets me.  Part of her psychosis if you will, is wrapped up in image and relationships.  Short version, she was (and as far as I can tell still is) an anorexic/bulimic with bipolar who needs men to love her and so always has a boyfriend.  She got married a while back, from my stalking I don't think that was going well and I'm pretty sure they were separated but then her husband died and she was a widow instead of a divorcee.

At any rate, a couple years ago she moved across country and had the man already lined up.  And from her pinterest, it's fairly clear they're going to get married.  And I have to wonder, what the fuck is it about this crazy fucked up bat shit girl.  She gets perfectly nice and generally reasonable men to just bend over backwards for her and fall in love with her.  Except fall in love with what exactly? She's full on cray-cray.  They don't love her, because no one knows the real her, and certainly not these men.  She keeps it very well hidden.  She's manipulative and intelligent.  Which goes a long way towards covering up the crazy.  She becomes the chameleon, liking everything they like and being everything they want her to be (or what she thinks they want her to be).  But seriously- who do so very many men fall for it?  And obviously, they continue to fall for it.  Because she plays helpless female when it suits her, but strong quirky renegade when it doesn't?  Because she's thin?  Because she's overly smarmy and adoring towards them?  The thing is, if this is what normal nice guys want, then what the fuck chance does any normal girl have?  They're all just going to fall for some psycho who needs them to stroke her ego.

See, I sort of wish through my stalking that I find out that things don't turn out all that well for those who aren't that nice to others in life.  And while the counterpoint to this, is that she has to forever live with herself (and herself is not a very happy bunny), the fact is she has all semblance of happiness, even if she isn't very happy.  Ugh.  This is when I think that you cant believe in karma and universal justice.  Because if you did, people like that just wouldn't succeed and clearly they do.  Nice girls finish last and all that.

**Note, wile I realize this makes me look crazy a) I don't care.  And b) one time when I was living with this girl and she had a boyfriend, she had promised him to 'try to stop purging so much' so I heard her wailing at him that he couldn't go to work/school/his parents/his friends because if he left her, then she might throw up.  Of course when he wasn't around, she just did all the binging and purging she damn well pleased, like she was always going to.  Like I said, C R A Z Y.

Anyway, I just needed to vent.  Crazy girl gets yet another guy.  Story of the century.

Busy As Usual

That's how things are around here.  Not surprising.  At least nowadays I'm actually mostly working on my own stuff, which is great.  The bad side is how little seems to get done in a day and how time just flies past.  It makes me feel like I need to ramp up my efforts at least tenfold.  Ah well.

So what exciting things have been happening in my life?  It snowed here in the UK two weeks ago.  That was nice.  Except that no one understands what to do with the snow.  It didn't really snow that much- maybe four inches max.  However, no one shovels.  So it quickly turns to slush and then ice overnight.  Treacherous at best.  At any rate, it happened to snow just when I needed to go up to Cambridge on my bike.  I did it, stupidly turned down a less clear street, was cycling in a wheel track with a car behind me and when I tried to move out of the way to let the car pass, instead managed to fall of my bike in front of the car which promptly stopped.  I was fine, and the bike was fine, although I got a wicked bruise on my inner thigh which is still not gone and that's two weeks now.  At any rate, I managed to get to where I live, but decided to walk to my office the next day instead of cycle.

Now the snow is all gone- and we're back to the temperate weather of the UK which means it's just a bit above freezing and raining instead.  I actually prefer snow, if only people would bother to deal with it.

I had a date with a guy who I will not have a date with again.  I've got another guy texting me but I haven't met up with yet.  Feeling unmotivated on the guy scene.  Oh, don't get me wrong, no less motivated that I'd love to meet someone, but ever so tired of always meeting the wrong ones.  Makes me dubious about a good one ever being out there, but it's not like the just come knocking on the door so if you don't ever put yourself out there and try, you most certainly will never get.  It's just demoralizing periodically.  C'est la vie.

I had family here, I went to a conference in Manchester where I got to present a paper I had accepted.  I saw my good friend C and her toddler and husband who I haven't been up to see for almost coming on two years, although she's come down to London and I've seen her here.  I could probably say more about these things, but I feel the moment has passed.

One outcome however, was to see some photographs of myself from the conference.  I feel fat.  Of course, I'm only ten pounds more than I've been the past eight years.  But the weight that seemed to appear this time last year and has not gone away is beginning to upset me.  So I've decided to work on my eating and am using an on-line calorie counter and phone app to track my food intake.  This has worked for quite a few people I know, so I think it's a good thing to try, and I know I tend to overeat at meals, even though I don't really snack.  I'm trying not to make a big deal out of this to people I know because I feel like weight loss should be somewhat private.  And also I don't want to see this as a 'diet' I want to see it more like a 'life change' on my eating habits to something that is a bit healthier and better for the long term for maintaining a healthier, and thereby lower, weight.

Not broken

When you have two hours to do some work, or just fuck it and procrastinate, what do you do?  It's abundantly clear what I do.  It's honestly a wonder I get anything done at all.  Ever.

This is a post that I have been thinking about.  Because some topics linger in your head and you examine them from all angles and push them and pull them and spin them about.  And sometimes it takes time to understand them properly.

I wrote before about how I thought since Mr Aloof I have not felt any sort of intensity for anyone.  I have worried about this, and it's possible indication of any number of things.  But then, I was reminded that actually, I did have fairly strong feelings for the Economist.  It's just that it never actually properly developed into anything.  So I was wrong.  I forgot.  I glossed it over because it was unfulfilled.

But then I wondered did I have feelings for the Economist because he was the wrong sort of guy?  Was the very reason that I felt something for him, because he was unable to commit, not really wanting to be in a relationship, unavailable?  So I talked it over with H and the thing is, for the first month and a half or so, I didn't know those things about the Economist.  No, we weren't rushing into a mad passionate relationship, but I did believe we were building up to something and gaining ground.  Yes, there were possibly some clues that he wasn't what I wanted him to be, but I felt the rush early on.  Not because I knew those things about him, but in spite of my learning those things about him.

It's not entirely conclusive to be fair, but I'm going to try and be positive about this because the alternative would be to be very negative about it.  I was excited about the Economist.  I felt a thrill when I was with him.  He interested me in a way that no one had for a while and no one has since.  He turned out to be a dud, that's fine.  But that doesn't invalidate or taint my initial feelings.

So perhaps I'm not broken after all.

Just (rightfully) picky.