So what exactly are the odds that the biggest hit by far on my blog yesterday was someone who was seemingly randomly looking through my archives and comes from the exact same city where the subject of the last post lives?
It is rather curious. Being a cyber-stalker as I am, it tends to make you a bit paranoid to such things. I do it, so there is no reason not to assume everyone isn't doing it, although, by all accounts, most people I know do not actually do it.
Do I care if it is her? Not really. But perhaps there is more to say than a few off-hand comments on the progress of her life. The thing is, she owes me an apology that is so big, that is so huge, that I know it will never come. She is far too self centered and self absorbed to do this because it is what should happen. Rather, she would only do this if she wanted or needed something from me, and many years ago I think we reached the end of her wanting or needing anything from me.
Not that I was particularly aware of that at the time. At the time, this girl was my very best friend. We'd been best friends for eight years. Lived together for some of those, were always close and in touch otherwise. Or at least, this was my view of things. I cared very much for her. Enjoyed her company, liked her as a person- aside from all the crazy which actually just made me feel tremendously bad for her. I never understood where all that crazy came from, and I was always sad that she adamantly refused to ever truly seek help for her issues, meaning she did not want to get better. That was always a problem.
It was also always a problem that she had a tendency to 'move in' on people I was interested in or had expressed interest in. Although in fairness in those days I never had much interest in anyone, having my own self-worth issues. Still, that always bothered me. So much so that I warned the person I had been living with (although not involved with) towards the end of this story. I have no doubts that she tried it on with him at some point. I would like to think nothing happened, but given both of their personalities, who knows.
When all was said and done I found a pad of paper in my car that she had left. In it she had scribbled her name combined with the name of the barman she was pursuing over and over again in many different ways. But also there was the start of a note to me. A note that began to describe some sort of displeasure or upset. It wasn't very complete. It was the only clue I had. Well, that and the knowledge that as things in my own life at that time became chaotic and messy, as my attention was not able to be fully on her, when she had been usurped in my thoughts by someone else, this is when she got angry at me. When I needed her, she couldn't handle that. I was the person who was there for her, not the other way around. And one day, just like that, she stopped talking to me. I didn't know it had happened. I actually thought maybe she'd finally puked herself to death (something I am still mildly confused as to why it has yet to happen). It took me time to work out what was going on, and when I did, there were still no answers. There were never any answers. I had a best friend (albeit a very badly acting one at that point who had slept with my neighbor and then slept with (and started dating) the guy I told her I really thought I liked) and then I didn't.
Did she think I would continue to pursue her?
I knew about the abortion and the break up, but not from her. Then next I know, she was in my neighborhood, dating my local barman. In a bar we had frequently gone to together, which was only a couple blocks from my house and not at all close to hers. The barmaid, who we were both friendly with only asked me once what was going on and expressed her sadness at seeing us like this but I would have none of it. I did not make the situation and I was not going to try to repair it. That was up to her. And she was clearly not interested. Although there was no reason for her to be in my neighborhood either. It wasn't as if we lived in a small city.
I always thought of her as extremely ego-centric. Once she decided I was out of her life, I thought she would never think of me again, except in a self-righteous and indignant way to bolster her view of why she was right in how awfully she treated me. I would be extremely surprised to learn that it was her who came to this blog. It would mean that I touched in her some way that lingered. Like she did with me.
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