Bad Training

Well, last week was fairly uneventful. I was maybe going to see Heathrow this past weekend but didn't- as he didn't come into London. I had plans all day Saturday- went to the ever awesome Broadway Market in the morning where I was met by S after spending time chatting to the pie man and the tart man (and getting a free fresh pretzel, recession special, yum yum yum). Then we walked back to my house and just caught up with life until it was time for me to head to a birthday gathering down by The Globe by London Bridge.

Sunday I just worked on my model project, image of which is for this post. Although that image will never see the client, it was for Heathrow and contains something inappropriate. I imagine if you click on it to get a larger view, you may work it out. It amused me. I haven't pulled stunts like that since grad school when we did it all the time.

So last week of emailing with Heathrow I noticed and will comment on something I mentioned before. I have been trained not to be comfortable with my desire to see someone. This is all from Mr.Aloof who was forever telling me that I was too needy and too demanding and wanted too much when the reality was I was lucky if I saw him once a month. And somehow it was wrong for me to suggest that I wanted to see him? But wrong I was and wrong I felt.

So now, now that I am pursuing another interest, and I find that I want to say things like, "I'd like to see you." and "Are you free?" I have this intense sense of wrongness about asking. As if somehow by asking I will show myself to be some sort of horrible and demanding and needy person. It's not even a fear of rejection, in some ways the rejection is implicit in my discomfort with the asking. It's an instinctual knowledge that I am imposing on someone, even though in this case it isn't true.

I keep trying to focus on what Heathrow has said to me- and more specifically what he hasn't said to me. And I am trying not to self edit myself and just say what I want and mean. And so far, his response to my suggestions have been appropriate and positive. Still, I understand that it's going to take a certain amount of unlearning before I am free of this damage.

I'm working on it. And hopefully I will see him this weekend. Since he agrees- he'd like to see me, and not just for 'club time', too.