Musing on Dominance and Submission

There hasn't been too much of interest going on in my sex life recently, so no pornalong posts. (Though I'm meeting the other couple tomorrow, so not quite so sad around here). But it's not something that's ever very far from my thoughts, and I do spend a lot of time reading other people's kink blogs which I find interesting or inspiring or though provoking. And while I may not actually be meeting up with people, there are always conversations and suggestions and innuendos going on which tap into my own thoughts about my own desires and situation.

So first let me start by saying I've come to realize something very interesting about dominance and those who express that they are dominant. Because dominance is not an inclination that I have myself, it has always been something of a mystery as to where the motivation really comes from, or how someone can be so motivated to do such things. I can understand completely how someone wants to be on the receiving end of such things, but frankly, doing all the dominating seems just like an awful lot of hard work to me, and not much fun at all.

But I've come to terms with that really, even though it's not my inclination, I have talked to enough people that I can understand it. But I have been more interested lately in what the personality trait is that leads one to dominance. And I think I have come across three main generators of a position of dominance and I know to which one I am drawn to. The first is arrogance. That someone is so confident of themselves, and their ability, and what they (think they) can do that they exude the mentality that whatever they want or desire they should or could have, and they go about advertising for exactly what they want. Of course there's a very fine line between confidence and arrogance, and true arrogance is often founded in insecurity, so I'll come back to that, but lets just say that type one is a super confident person and they desire it therefor it is.

Dominant type two is what I consider the alpha. I'm trying to stay gender neutral here, though I recognize in my thoughts this is pretty much male-based and I haven't spent significant time applying my types to a female stereotype, but I'll still try to keep gender out of it. Anyway, an alpha may not want to be an alpha, they just gravitate towards that role and assume it as a matter of course. This is different from type one, as an alpha may or may not have arrogance depending on how they have managed their alpha abilities. Still, this type doesn't necessarily have to work very hard at being dominant, they just are dominant. And recognizing it, and what they want, gets them a long way towards achieving it.

Dominant type three is insecure. That the attraction to being dominant is to compensate for personal issues. And I think this is more common than I'd care for it to be and can take many forms. First, that someone might be so unsure of themselves, that they can't imagine that anyone would want to be with them as they are, so they imagine that their partner doesn't really have a choice, they don't have to address their insecurities. Or, the type is actually shy or non-dominant/alpha/aggressive in their personal life and again it's something they are insecure about, so in their sexual fantasies and desires they are opposite of the thing that they don't like in themselves. Or, they are afraid of intimacy and having a partner, so the draw to dominance is to control any accidents or unforeseen circumstances which means they don't have to worry about intimacy because they can control how it happens.

As for me, I find my attraction is solely focused on the alpha type. The other two tend to leave me cold and worse, aggressive. I can get on board with a true alpha. I will fall happily into a supporting role. Because in many aspects of my life I recognize that my strength is in my ability to make things happen for other people. I've never had the desire or inclination to particularly lead the charge, but I will, I can, and I have if I feel I need to. I just don't really prefer to. I understand where I work best.

Which leads to some other thoughts this week on how my submission works. I think I sit on loads of energy and activity and motivation and impulse because I find it fairly boring to do things for myself. Or I guess, I find it hard to find the motivation to do things just for myself. But the motivation or energy I can muster to do something for someone else, is huge.

I was thinking about this because of some conversation with Mr.Aloof and also in the consideration of how we have not worked out in a relationship term and yet in a sexual connection term we click very well. And so to do this I have examined both my personality and his personality. I think what draws me to him is that he just comes out with all of these ideas. He mentions activities or possible scenarios or situations and I find I am instantly and suddenly on board. And it's not that these things are always sexual. He talks about wanting to drop everything and travel to Japan and I think, "Yes, I could get that organized and could drop everything and go to Japan and what fun it would be!". For me it's like... having someone else provide a focus, and then I can expand into it. Of course, the problem with Mr.Aloof is he is drawn to sloth. I think my energy and ability actually frightens him. "What, you mean these things actually really could happen and now there's some sort of expectation beyond idle fantasy? Eek!". The only people Mr.Aloof has been in love with, that I know of, have been people who do nothing for him. His flaw is to be attracted to the very personality that will ensure he never achieves what it is he says he wants. But if I had to classify him, he's a damaged alpha. Because he has so many of the traits of an alpha, he's just got other issues that complicates his ability to succeed.

Which of course begs the question of what am I doing then spending any time with him at all. I guess it's impossible not to have the thought far, far down in the psyche that maybe he'll realize all of this some day. But it's not that I believe that. It's just that I come across so many dominants who just.... aren't dominant in the way I need my partner to be. I need someone who appreciates, can tap into, and can control my energy. In that way I can be the best that I can be- for someone else. And hopefully they get what they need back in return (and here we are back to the question of why oh why would anyone want that sort of responsibility or to be dominant?).

Anyway. That's my thoughts for the day.