So yeah, sex has been off the table a bit. But the porn watching and the general lack and of course the new job has made it a topic that is a bit more present in the front of my mind. Watching porn has been the main instigator of my current thoughts. It all started with a hood. Or rather, a video that included the use of a hood. Now hoods are something that I've had some curiosity about, but I'm not about to fork over a ton of cash for a sturdy leather hood. And anyway, that's the sort of thing that you really need a partner to play with (particularly in the lacing up). So while it's something I've always considered, I hadn't really thought about pursuing it on my own. Until I saw this video and a different sort of hood. This one was made from spandex with a stitched in blindfold. Easy to put on. Form hugging, and apparently breathable. I was intrigued. So I googled spandex hood to see what I could find, and lo and behold I found them! And at a far more reasonable price than leather. So I decided a new toy delivery was in order and went about pricing out the hood.
But of course then it's only spend seven more pounds and get free delivery. Well, same same different might as well. But what to buy? What else did I need? And again, watching porn provided some inspiration because of course, in most male/female porn there is always the focus on the blowjob. The activity that still intimidates the hell out of me. "How can that intimidate you?" someone might ask. Well it's many things. For starters, for all the things I do, and those who read this blog every day, are well versed in the things that I get up to, I will remind the readers that I am sexually submissive. For me, part of what this means is that I have trouble initiating sexual activity. It's not that way for all submissives, but it happens to be that way for me. I need to know what my partner wants before I rush into giving it to them because I will freeze up with uncertainty if I am not sure. It is difficult for me to even reach out and hug someone sometimes. To invade someones personal space without a clear indication that it's okay. For people I've dated, it's actually a big deal for me when I can just go up to them and touch them without panicking inside. And I probably still panic a little bit. So what is more personal then just diving in and groping and sucking on someones genitalia? This is pretty much not something that I am going to be comfortable initiating.
But let's say I didn't initiate it and I had a clear indication that's what my partner wanted. Great. Now I will start to freak out that they won't like how I do it. For every guy who says 'every blowjob is a great blowjob' there is some honest guy out there who will admit that some women do it well, and some women don't. And I don't want a partner of mine to suffer through my blowjob because they don't have the heart to tell me it's terrible. But it's really difficult to talk about stuff like this honestly and openly. So I worry about this.
And lastly, there is the belief I hold that really, I don't do it all that well. For starters, I just don't have that much experience with it. I haven't been with that many people. And for as exploratory as the sex I've had as been, I haven't actually had all that much sex. I could probably count on my fingers how many times in my life I've given a blowjob. Well, maybe that's not entirely true, but if I added my toes, then it probably is. I also have a pretty sensitive gag reflex. I don't have to have things very far in my mouth before I start to gag if I am tense in any way. And I think what should be clear by now, is that the situation makes me pretty tense. I worry about biting down and scraping with teeth. I worry about retching. I pretty much worry about everything which means I am not enjoying the experience, I'm worrying about it. And on top of that, if you again take into consideration my sexual orientation, then on top of all of this mental strife, you can add to that how I desperately want to do a good job and please my partner because that's a critical aspect to my sexual pleasure. So of course I'm also worrying that I'm disappointing them in general.
So there you have it, why me and blow jobs have not really been best friends.
So what does this have to do with buying toys? Well, I decided I needed something to practice on, so I can try to just deal with this on my own. Watching all those porn girls suck dick like candy, I keep thinking that it shouldn't be that intimidating and it really shouldn't be that difficult. And the only way I'm going to get over this is to do something about it. Lacking a desirable practice partner means I need to look closer to home. Except most of my sex toys aren't shaped exactly like the appendage in question. And I'm not interested in bananas or things that can break off in your mouth. So I used my extra money allowance to get a couple of 'real life' modeled toys that I can practice on.
I was hoping this would make me feel better, and more comfortable, but actually, it has reinforced my insecurities terribly since I spent some of my evening getting reacquainted with just how sensitive my gag reflex really is. Still, there's loads of information on the internet by way of tips and pointers. I'm just going to have to keep at it for a while and hope that everything I've read is true, and that it does improve with practice.
The hood is pretty cool.
Mr.Aloof might be coming up one night next week. He's expressed an interest in my new hood. We met up last night in the city. It was really nice to just see him and catch up and spend some time together. But this isn't about him really. It just might mean there will be a post in the near future. Or not. After all, Mr.Aloof is aloof..... but the flirting does sort of encourage the sex related thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment