Talking to SH last night, and relating some unpleasant discoveries of yesterday evening I said that I had to try to cut Mr.Aloof out of my life.
"What is this try bullshit- you just need to do it." she said.
Well, try in the sense that, I need to fucking try. If I say 'I'm going to do something', and then I don't, then I feel guilty and like a failure, which will make me feel worse on top of already feeling bad. Plus, I won't feel able to talk to my friends because I will appear to be a failure and useless to them as well when I'm probably already feeling low.
I explained this to her. She proceeded to lecture me a bit about 'being in control of myself' and 'growing up'. I swear there's a reason I don't tell some of my friends some things some times.
29 November 2006
26 November 2006
Black and White
Tonight I was able to add another animal to those that have passed through my digestive system. I was really surprised when I saw it on the menu and had to ask if they really meant it or not. Of course it could have just been beef....
24 November 2006
No Turkey
It occured to me yesterday, as I stood at the Gomez concert, exactly how disassociated I've become from my homeland. Because I wasn't really missing Thanksgiving at all. To be fair, this has as much to do with my Aunt passing away seven years ago as much as it does not being inundated with media reminders about the holiday.
In general I like Thanksgiving, and have very pleasant memories of family time spent together. A truly 'American' holiday- it's non-religious, and for everyone. I'm not sure anyone particularly 'gives thanks', though that's pushed in the media as well. It's more just a time set aside where everyone sees their family. Similar to Christmas I suppose, but for us non-Christians who don't celebrate Christmas, it's something we can share with everyone else.
Of course my Aunt used to do Thanksgiving when she was alive. And even when I was in the States after her death, it wasn't the same. If I went to see my family in Michigan, all the people were there, but the food wasn't quite right. The location wasn't right. Now that I've moved here, I find I don't have the push to revisit Thanksgiving. I don't have the drive to 'do my own' here and invite people around to celebrate with me. It's something I've just let slide.
Maybe one day I will make a new tradition out of it- something that can mean something to me again. But for now, it's more just a warm and pleasant memory, a part of my personal history.
In general I like Thanksgiving, and have very pleasant memories of family time spent together. A truly 'American' holiday- it's non-religious, and for everyone. I'm not sure anyone particularly 'gives thanks', though that's pushed in the media as well. It's more just a time set aside where everyone sees their family. Similar to Christmas I suppose, but for us non-Christians who don't celebrate Christmas, it's something we can share with everyone else.
Of course my Aunt used to do Thanksgiving when she was alive. And even when I was in the States after her death, it wasn't the same. If I went to see my family in Michigan, all the people were there, but the food wasn't quite right. The location wasn't right. Now that I've moved here, I find I don't have the push to revisit Thanksgiving. I don't have the drive to 'do my own' here and invite people around to celebrate with me. It's something I've just let slide.
Maybe one day I will make a new tradition out of it- something that can mean something to me again. But for now, it's more just a warm and pleasant memory, a part of my personal history.
15 November 2006
I Beat It With the Stick But It Just Won't Die
Ostensibly I'm at work because I'm supposed to be working. Clearly this is not the case. The thing is, if it's not one thing, it's another. This project of mine is now two weeks late, and it's looking very much like it's going to be another week late at least on top of that. On the one hand, this is not bad, because as this is 'my project' I am in a good position of responsibility and such. On the other hand, I'm just sick of it. And all the pressure. And it's so very close but things keep cropping up and throwing it all into mayhem.
And I really don't like working so much. I'm the sort of person who does not live to work. I've never been interested in having my own firm, I've never wanted that level of responsibility and investment. I prefer to have a life you see. Except I'm not having much of one at the moment.
Which has been highlighted to be by both of my parents this week. I suppose I'm lucky that they've mostly waited until I was 32 to unwittingly tag-team me about my single-ness. It's been on my dads mind for a while, but my mother has rarely chimed in. But all of the sudden she's starting too. Which doesn't make me want to go find anyone, probably just the opposite. I can be quite contrary like that. Still, I know they only have my best interests at heart, but it's not really like I need a 'reminder' that I'm single, do I? Jesus.
In other unassociated news, I found out my step-mother is coming to stay with me in between Christmas and New Years, and my aunt is thinking of coming as well. Which could be lots of fun. My step-mother is awesome and my aunt is crazy but good fun. And anyway, everyone else is going to be away!
And I really don't like working so much. I'm the sort of person who does not live to work. I've never been interested in having my own firm, I've never wanted that level of responsibility and investment. I prefer to have a life you see. Except I'm not having much of one at the moment.
Which has been highlighted to be by both of my parents this week. I suppose I'm lucky that they've mostly waited until I was 32 to unwittingly tag-team me about my single-ness. It's been on my dads mind for a while, but my mother has rarely chimed in. But all of the sudden she's starting too. Which doesn't make me want to go find anyone, probably just the opposite. I can be quite contrary like that. Still, I know they only have my best interests at heart, but it's not really like I need a 'reminder' that I'm single, do I? Jesus.
In other unassociated news, I found out my step-mother is coming to stay with me in between Christmas and New Years, and my aunt is thinking of coming as well. Which could be lots of fun. My step-mother is awesome and my aunt is crazy but good fun. And anyway, everyone else is going to be away!
11 November 2006
She A-Coming Home!
I came in to work today to do some work. I have instead spent two hours discussing urban design theory and practice with SA. I need to leave here in two and a half hours to meet tlsd at the airport. Looks like I'll be coming in tomorrow then. Goddamn it. Oh well. At least tlsd is back! Though she's probably gonna be all tired and stuff. Good thing I'll be meeting her to keep her awake then!
08 November 2006
The Slippery Slope
I've just had an interesting evening.
Mr.Aloof came over to my house. He was here. In my hallway. On the sofa. In my kitchen. In my HOUSE.
And now he's gone.
I know I've said here that we were going to meet up for drinks. He said he'd come north of the river. This in itself was a reasonably big achievement. I'd like to forge that in the over a year that we were sort of together he came north of the river probably.... four times that come to mind. Now to be fair, he did drive me home a handful of other times- right to my door. And we would neck in the car for an hour, and he wouldn't come up, and he'd drive home. Point being, Mr.Aloof, has never been into my house.
So recently, he suggested meeting for drinks. Well, let me backtrack. We hadn't spoken really for a couple months. It was when I went to Chicago at the end of August. I was on messenger, he came on, and because I was hanging around SH's house, we talked. For hours. And it was really good to talk. And since then, he's been fairly consistent with the keeping up via emails. Which, to be entirely fair, is also completely unusual. I'm not sure we ever stayed in such constant contact without him disappearing for a week or six here or there. So a couple weeks back when he suggested that we meet for a drink, I agreed.
In my heart, I know this is probably not for the best. I like him. I didn't split with him because we weren't getting along. I split with him because I enjoyed my time with him so much, I wanted more and more of it. And he didn't. And that hurt me so deeply, I couldn't bear the good times, for all the hurt that came with it.
But I thought I would meet for a drink. See how it was. See what the damage was. What would be the harm? We were supposed to meet last week Tuesday. But I got dreadfully ill and called it off. He suggested Thursday, but I was still feeling pretty crappy. So it got bumped to this Tuesday. And for a moment on Monday and Tuesday, I thought he was pulling his usual disappearing act, and I felt angry and vindicated, yet oddly calm and also uncaring. But then he got in touch and said he was coming tonight. And not only was he coming north, but he would come to my house.
Now that was pretty sneaky no? I hadn't invited him to my house. Obviously it was a point of some contention when we were together- that he never had come to my house. But it wasn't like now, after everything, that I was going to be like 'Oh, come to my house.' I thought we were just meeting for a drink. But no, next thing I know, he's driving up to mine, and knocking on my front door. Of course, I arranged for flatmate D to be conveniently gone tonight. I thought, "Okay, maybe we'll have a drink, then we'll go get some dinner locally and he'll probably take off." Yeah. I can be really blind sometimes.
It was strange. He stood outside for a bit. "Are you going to come in?" I asked him, head peeping out between the door jamb.
"I'm not sure!" he said. And I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the entrance. And we hugged, and kissed on the cheek. So far so good. Then I made us some lovely green and blacks hot chocolate with organic whole milk (mmmmmm). And basically we curled up together on the sofa, drank hot chocolate, listened to music, and talked. And talked and talked and talked and talked. Always in contact. Always in touch. Nothing I wouldn't consider appropriate with some of my very close male friends. But he's not my very close male friend. He's my ex-lover. And it was charged.
For three hours we cuddled a bit and yapped. Snacked on some food, moved onto a glass of wine each. And he said he probably needed to head home. So he dragged himself up and was getting ready to go, and we were still talking away. And of course he stood up, and we hugged, and a hug became a bear hug, and a nuzzle into the neck, and kissing. Of course it did. And it was so nice to be held. To be kissed by someone you want to be kissing. And then he left, saying he'd see me again soon, in a few days.
What am I doing. I know it's probably not a good idea. But it's so pleasant this part. And it's not like I have other prospects I'm neglecting. It's not even like I've stopped looking, I just sent two emails to guys off online dating sites who wrote to me. So what's wrong with feeling good for a little bit when you have the chance?
Fuck. It's a slippery slope. That's what's wrong. Can I do this without losing my head and my heart? Probably not. But am I going to try it? Probably so.
Mr.Aloof came over to my house. He was here. In my hallway. On the sofa. In my kitchen. In my HOUSE.
And now he's gone.
I know I've said here that we were going to meet up for drinks. He said he'd come north of the river. This in itself was a reasonably big achievement. I'd like to forge that in the over a year that we were sort of together he came north of the river probably.... four times that come to mind. Now to be fair, he did drive me home a handful of other times- right to my door. And we would neck in the car for an hour, and he wouldn't come up, and he'd drive home. Point being, Mr.Aloof, has never been into my house.
So recently, he suggested meeting for drinks. Well, let me backtrack. We hadn't spoken really for a couple months. It was when I went to Chicago at the end of August. I was on messenger, he came on, and because I was hanging around SH's house, we talked. For hours. And it was really good to talk. And since then, he's been fairly consistent with the keeping up via emails. Which, to be entirely fair, is also completely unusual. I'm not sure we ever stayed in such constant contact without him disappearing for a week or six here or there. So a couple weeks back when he suggested that we meet for a drink, I agreed.
In my heart, I know this is probably not for the best. I like him. I didn't split with him because we weren't getting along. I split with him because I enjoyed my time with him so much, I wanted more and more of it. And he didn't. And that hurt me so deeply, I couldn't bear the good times, for all the hurt that came with it.
But I thought I would meet for a drink. See how it was. See what the damage was. What would be the harm? We were supposed to meet last week Tuesday. But I got dreadfully ill and called it off. He suggested Thursday, but I was still feeling pretty crappy. So it got bumped to this Tuesday. And for a moment on Monday and Tuesday, I thought he was pulling his usual disappearing act, and I felt angry and vindicated, yet oddly calm and also uncaring. But then he got in touch and said he was coming tonight. And not only was he coming north, but he would come to my house.
Now that was pretty sneaky no? I hadn't invited him to my house. Obviously it was a point of some contention when we were together- that he never had come to my house. But it wasn't like now, after everything, that I was going to be like 'Oh, come to my house.' I thought we were just meeting for a drink. But no, next thing I know, he's driving up to mine, and knocking on my front door. Of course, I arranged for flatmate D to be conveniently gone tonight. I thought, "Okay, maybe we'll have a drink, then we'll go get some dinner locally and he'll probably take off." Yeah. I can be really blind sometimes.
It was strange. He stood outside for a bit. "Are you going to come in?" I asked him, head peeping out between the door jamb.
"I'm not sure!" he said. And I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the entrance. And we hugged, and kissed on the cheek. So far so good. Then I made us some lovely green and blacks hot chocolate with organic whole milk (mmmmmm). And basically we curled up together on the sofa, drank hot chocolate, listened to music, and talked. And talked and talked and talked and talked. Always in contact. Always in touch. Nothing I wouldn't consider appropriate with some of my very close male friends. But he's not my very close male friend. He's my ex-lover. And it was charged.
For three hours we cuddled a bit and yapped. Snacked on some food, moved onto a glass of wine each. And he said he probably needed to head home. So he dragged himself up and was getting ready to go, and we were still talking away. And of course he stood up, and we hugged, and a hug became a bear hug, and a nuzzle into the neck, and kissing. Of course it did. And it was so nice to be held. To be kissed by someone you want to be kissing. And then he left, saying he'd see me again soon, in a few days.
What am I doing. I know it's probably not a good idea. But it's so pleasant this part. And it's not like I have other prospects I'm neglecting. It's not even like I've stopped looking, I just sent two emails to guys off online dating sites who wrote to me. So what's wrong with feeling good for a little bit when you have the chance?
Fuck. It's a slippery slope. That's what's wrong. Can I do this without losing my head and my heart? Probably not. But am I going to try it? Probably so.
06 November 2006
Sex on TV
I was going to go to bed, but then, all of the sudden, there is some very explicit sex on TV. At the moment, there are massive pictures of a clitoris being fondled. Now that's not something you'd see on American TV. No, I mean, holy crap, they're now showing girls, how to manipulate their own clitoris, and how a man can make sure he's found it. What the hell?
I mean, on the one hand, I guess it's good these things are on television. On the other hand, they are putting cameras into all sorts of places you don't want cameras to show what sex is like from the inside out. Oh, and they're actually having sex. I see boobies banging in a nice doggy-style shot.
How the hell am I supposed to go to bed like this? Mother fucker. Oh wait, they're moving onto penis enlargement treatments and if those work or not. That's a nice cold shower. Yeah, no pictures to go with this one I think.
I mean, on the one hand, I guess it's good these things are on television. On the other hand, they are putting cameras into all sorts of places you don't want cameras to show what sex is like from the inside out. Oh, and they're actually having sex. I see boobies banging in a nice doggy-style shot.
How the hell am I supposed to go to bed like this? Mother fucker. Oh wait, they're moving onto penis enlargement treatments and if those work or not. That's a nice cold shower. Yeah, no pictures to go with this one I think.
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