Clarification

Because when I posted the last post, there were three shitty things that had happened and I figured that just about summed it up.

First, I had a paper that I submitted to a journal, that I had already had the abstract accepted for, that a number of people had proof read for me, rejected.

Then this morning I had the retrieval for my egg freezing and they got 3 eggs which was a low number and in fact the lowest of the 3 cycles I've done, and while three his better than one, it was still disappointing and upsetting, especially because I was expecting a minimum of 5.

And when I got home I had email from the guy saying that he just wasn't feeling a spark to date me but you know, he'd like to be friends because we have a good connection.  So let me paraphrase, we have a good mental connection because we've had great email and conversation but what it comes down to is after we met in person he wasn't attracted to me.  He didn't say that, but it's what he meant.

And so I thought I was having a pretty shitty day and a big fuck you to the day seemed appropriate.

But wait, there's more!

Because I was just on the phone with my mother this evening and she starts saying how I've obviously put on weight (I haven't).  And then she says, "Oh, because the most recent pictures of you on facebook made it look like you have."  Thanks.  "Well, I mean those pictures from the two weddings of you were really unflattering."  Thanks.  "I'm sorry, I mean your face just looked really heavy."  Thanks.  "No really I'm sorry, it's just those pictures were really unflattering."

It's 8:45 and I'm going to bed.  I've had enough of today.

How I feel about today

That is all.

(Barely) Holding it together

I've finished the work I wanted to do today, and it's been a fairly tumultuous day, which included a long venting session to a friend but then more stuff happened and I figured I'd use this opportunity of my head being on the verge of exploding to write a blog post.

The most overwhelming thing in my life right now is that I am writing up my thesis.  I have 30,000 words so far which is probably about 33% of the thesis.  Most of that is the work I could do without analysis of data.  I've now taken a break from writing to focus on data analysis.  As that takes shape, I'll put it into the thesis, but the analysis needs to be done before I can write it, so that's what I'm doing just now.

There is a lot of pressure on me to try and get a full first draft by the end of the year.  This is very stressful because while it is two months away, you could also say, it is only two months away.  I've been working on the thesis properly from the beginning of September.  By that standard, it took two months to write 1/3 so another two months will only result in another 1/3 and not a complete draft.  On the other hand, once I get the analysis done and start writing up the results, most of that isn't referenced so the writing can go a lot faster.

There are other pressures about the end of the year in regards to the thesis.  Mainly that it's the four-year mark for my work and that comes with a number of problems.  The main one being you aren't supposed to go over four years.  Although it doesn't really affect me too badly, it's just additional pressure and may come with some minor problems that are mostly paperwork.  It's annoying for any number of reasons that I'm behind and late as I really strongly dislike being either to a level that I don't think I can adequately express.  It's not normal.  I feel panicked- like a tightness in my chest, when I think about it.  I really don't like being behind or late.  It stresses me out more than I think it does other people.  And obviously it's not helping my general situation.

But lets leave the thesis aside for a moment and concentrate on other issues.

I'm doing some teaching, which is great, because I love teaching, and also I could use some extra money.  But teaching requires time and I don't have time because any time I do anything else is time away from the thesis.  Most of the teaching is okay at this point in that, I don't need to do too much prep for it.  But I just got a new teaching thing that I do need to do some prep for and it's taking time and so it's making me stressed.

Continuing down the list, I got an email today from the director of one of the courses I teach on to say that his sabbatical for next year has been approved.   This is good news because they want me to fill in for the associate director who would fill in for him.  This is bad news because the job would start in January and so we're back to the thesis problem.  This creates huge pressure on me for getting a full draft done by the end of the year.  People don't like to hire you unless you can prove you have a good working draft, especially if you're at the 4-year mark.  I don't want to lose this job because I haven't finished the thesis, but there is nothing I can do about it except work my ass off trying to get the thesis done.  Oh, but to apply for this job, I need to stop working on my thesis and update my CV which is hopelessly out of date just now.  So that's not entirely helpful either.

Although this is important of course because I have no job and no income and so I'm starting in on my savings.  To be fair, I have enough savings to last me at least next year if I had to, but the whole 'don't have a job' thing is actually a pressing problem and one I can't entirely put off either just because I'm working on my thesis.

During the past month I've also been doing another cycle of egg freezing.  I suppose I could have put that off for a time when I was less stressed but that process comes with it's own stress.  I'm 39 now and every month I let go past is a month my fertility is disappearing.  So it wouldn't stress me out less to wait.  So I just went ahead with it.  The retrieval procedure is tomorrow morning, so that's good because then that will pretty much be it, but it's been stressful, adding to my general stress levels, and oh yeah, that means I'm not really working tomorrow. 

Today I also got an email from the journal where I had previously had an abstract accepted for a special issue.  I worked for months getting that article ready and submitted and today I found out that it was rejected.  That was deeply disappointing for any number of reasons.  While it's not adding to my stress in the sense that, I'm so busy there's nothing I can do about it right now (like submit it to another journal after trying to address some of the reviewers points).  It is stressful because if it has been published it would have given a certain level of authority to my thesis.  So what this has done is knock my confidence completely that my thesis is even worthwhile.  I know part of this is not good thinking.  The thesis has a lot more justification and information than I could squeeze into an article and I know that a number of the reviewer points are addressed in the larger thesis.  Still, it's worrisome.  And disappointing.  And really a bit upsetting.  Which isn't what I needed at the moment.

And if all this work stuff wasn't enough going on, I'm having mental gymnastics over a guy I've had a date with and been emailing.  I think this guy has potential.  And I'm interested in him, which to be honest, I'm really not interested in most people I meet.  But what has this done?  It's made me entirely insecure.  He's been away for the week for work where he didn't have internet access and was supposed to come back yesterday.  I know he teaches all day on Monday, so I suspect I'll get an email from him tonight as he's supposed to email me to arrange to meet up this week.  But, as I'm feeling insecure, I now am wearing a groove in my mental dialogue about how he's going to say he's not interested, and he wasn't attracted to me, and he doesn't see a possibility for us to date which will be an unpleasant sort of rejection.  I know I"m projecting slightly, but I can't entirely keep those thoughts out at the moment.

I barely have the mental capacity to do anything just now.  I honesty don't know how I'm getting anything done except I get up every day, and just put one foot in front of the other metaphorically speaking and am just getting on with things.  Because I don't see not doing that as an option.  And anyway, there isn't anything else I can do. 

However, it's incredibly stressful.  I'm not sure I have ever been quite so stressed before.  Earlier this year it manifest itself as depression.  I don't think I have the capacity to even be depressed just now.  My flatmate came home and I told her about the paper and she asked me if I cried about it and I was a bit startled by the question because I don't think I have the capacity to stop and have any emotions about much of anything right now.  Except of course, raging insecurity about internet guy.  I think I am just barely holding things together.  I don't know what it's going to be that shoves me over the edge, but I feel hyper alert, because it could be anything.  I mean how many things can one person bloody deal with at once?  I really don't want to be the person who tests this question.

Anyway.  I haven't even read this as I've written it.  It's come out as a massive torrent of words.  Usually when I do this sort of purging writing I feel better.  Right now, I don't feel anything.  Except maybe a slight headache.  And I need to go make some dinner.  And maybe I'll do some knitting to try and relax. And not check my email wondering why internet guy hasn't gotten in touch yet.

Not Defunct

For the possibly 3 people who read this blog, I would like to point out it is hardly defunct.  I've been posting a lot on my fertility related blog.  And on my naughty tumblr.  It would probably be useful and good for me to write things down here but I am, as ever these days, stressed and busy.  I just stare at the screen and the words won't come. I  feel boring and empty sometimes.  And I don't really feel like complaining about not having a boyfriend or worrying about the PhD writing up process or getting a job afterwards or thinking about motherhood.  None of which is helped by a lot of friends getting married, my funding running out, trying to work out where I can get a job and who provides good maternity cover because it's obvious I'm never going to have sex again and if I want a child it's going to be through some sort of donation and this is a lot of crap to be thinking about when I really need to be finishing up the PhD.

You see how it goes.

I don't want to be that person but right now that's all I feel I can offer.  I would give anything to be able to post amusing stories of post coital humor.  The thrill of watching bruises turn that came from vigorous sexual adventures.  Or, you know, having enough cash to get gadgets and toys that I want or to go on holidays that I want.

Although I did just go camping in Norfolk which was really good.  I enjoy making and staying in a tent, going to the beach, and I also did a 22 mile cross country bicycle trip which was a bit hardcore and I'm still suffering from.

I would also point out, those in the blossom of youth, experiencing all the joys of the sown oats should hardly be throwing stones, don't you think? ;) :P

Ho Hum

And the mood persists.  I feel very emotional.  Been tearing up for no reason.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I've been tearing up when thinking about things that upset me which are valid to have upset me but maybe aren't worthy of tears.

I was trying to think to myself, what is it I need?  What can I do to change how things are?  What is it that I want someone else to do to help me snap out of it and can I not find a way to do that for myself?  But I honestly couldn't work it out.  The best I could come up with was, "Stop acting like a twat." and we all know that's not very helpful.

T and I went to the textile museum today to check out the Kaffe Fassett exhibit which was pretty cool.  Glad we went, glad we got to spend some time together.  Got to check out the engagement ring.  I could have, at any point, expressed to her what I'm going through but as it was all that happened was I touched up on how things had gone with S while in the States and how much it upset me and I teared up and then that was it.  I didn't say any more about it.  Didn't say how stressed I felt.  Mainly because I couldn't justify simply complaining without being able to ask for something.  Which brings me back to where I started.  I don't know what it is I need to snap out of this.  I don't know what someone else can do for me to make me feel better.

Oh Dear...

It comes on quick doesn't it?  So quick.  Falling falling falling.  Well where are we at just a few hours later?  I'm irritable and grouchy and quick to anger.  This benefits me because.... I can let out steam at something tangible.  It proves to me that I'm actually alone because no one is good enough/cares enough/whatevers enough.  This reflexively makes me want to snap at people and push them away which will facilitate the proving that they are not really there for me.

This is particularly self destructive behavior.  I would be best served by not talking to anyone just now.

But even that- that is part of the cycle no?

Fuck me.

Forced Slide

Obviously I need to get some thoughts out of my head.  I have no idea if this mini posting frenzy will end today or continue.  I woke up this morning with a desire to get some things out of my head, so here I am, getting it out and hoping that through the act of writing I can make some space in my thoughts.

If I was going to try and name what I feel like I'm going through I would say it is like slipping in to a sort of depression.  Except it's not a depression that can be addressed with drugs or talk therapy.  It's not a secret that human beings can only handle a certain level of stress and then they start acting funny.  That's how I feel.  I'm incredibly stressed and overwhelmed and I feel out of my depth, like a faker, as if I have an impossible task ahead of me, a failure before I've truly begun.  I attended something or other a while ago that told us that something like 40% of all PhD students suffer from some sort of depression.  I am familiar with some of this as I have watched some of my fellow students plummet into what I can only call a depressive and dark place.  And in all honesty, I have not particularly equated my own feelings of rising stress with the same.  But in fact this morning it seems relatively clear to me now that this is what is going on.

But what can be done about it?  It's really rather ridiculous.  I can't seek help to get my work done.  I can't go faster, and I have all the time in the world (although my funding will run out, it's not exactly like something terrible happens if I don't finish by a certain time).  So I have everything I can have, but it's not good enough.  I am panicked.  I am stressed.  I am struggling.  And this causes me to desire caring and assistance.  Which I have also fairly obviously objectified into the form of a mysterious (and non-existent) partner.

I suppose in some ways it's all very textbook but it doesn't make the experience of going through it any less real.  I am stressed.  I am on edge.  I feel needy.  Because I am in a sort of trouble and the only immediate relief that I can imagine is that of someone else offering me.... solace?  Comfort.  Solidarity.  Someone else to pick up some part of this massive burden and assure me that I can do this, that I will get through it, and again in an informative sort of way, to let me know that I am not alone.  Because I suppose that's a hallmark of depression, be it chemically brain induced or self induced.  You start to plummet to a point where you just feel alone.  And when you are stressed or upset or unhappy, being alone is not necessarily a very nice place to be.  In other circumstances, I'm very happy being alone.  This is not one of them.

I wonder how long this is going to last?  If this is my emotional template for the next six months?  I can see quite easily how it might be.  Fuck but it's unpleasant.

Sinking Inwards

Well, I'm home.  I got my hair cut and colored this morning, which it desperately needed but I haven't done any work.  I need to do some work, in fact I need to do a ton of work, but I need to do a little bit of particular work and instead I'm doing this.  But that's okay.  Maybe it's the kick-start that I need.

I've been thinking about writing which I suppose is a good thing.  Or it's really not a value thing at all, it's just a thing.  I haven't felt too much like writing for some time but suddenly I feel a lot like writing.  And I can even tell you why.  It's because I feel I have no one else to talk to. 

This is not, actually, true.  I have many people I can talk to.  Many very good friends cultivated over many years who would probably be very happy to talk to me.  But maybe this thing with S of the not-making-time-for-me-in-Chicago-and-not-talking-to-me-about-godparents has gotten to me.  In fact I know it has.  But add to that that my next best friend here just got engaged and has all sorts of stuff going on in her life anyway means I don't really feel like just dumping on her and anyway, it's not that I want to dump on someone.  This is part of the problem.  If I just needed someone to talk to, I have people to talk to.  What i want is someone who WANTS to talk to me and that is actually something that is very different.

This has been thrown up to the surface by my continual perusal of dating sites and the never ending dismay that I do not have a boyfriend or any current hopes of one.  I feel lonely is what it boils down to.  Lonely for someone I can build a life with, not just a friend who has their own lives that take precedence.  And that's the rub of it I suppose.  I want to be one of the most important things to someone.  And reflexively I wouldn't mind making someone else my most important thing.  But right now it's just me.  And I'm lonely.

Although I'm not lacking for things to do.  That's for fucking sure.  I have so much to do and I'm so awful at getting it done.  This probably also is fueling this loneliness issue because if I had someone who really cared about it me and was intimately involved in my life, maybe I'd feel a bit more ashamed about my procrastination or to put it in a different way, I know that I perform much better when I have someone expecting something from me and that could be filled by a partner.  Although I realize that sounds like an entirely selfish reason for wanting a partner.  Though isn't not wanting to be lonely in general a selfish thought?  I don't really care.  Like I said, I'd be very happy to provide the counterpoint- to alleviate someone else's loneliness.

So anyway, here's the thing.  I may start writing here a lot more.  Mainly because I need a place to dump some shit out of my head.  Not that most of it's going to be very interesting, in fact, I suspect it won't be.  But I need a connection- a deeper connection to something.  And I can say whatever I want to myself (and the few of you who stumble by on occasion).  That's how I started writing in an journal in the first place.  I think I haven't felt an urge to dump my brain for some time but suddenly the urge seems larger.  Probably because I'm procrastinating.  But that's okay.  It doesn't matter why.  It only matters if it helps.

Mid Vacation Dump

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my head.  This always happens when I go home.  I believe it throws me into a mental state of unrest and disquiet.  I'm forced to deal with stuff that is not in my regular day-to-day routine of thoughts and emotions.

I'm about halfway through my annual trip home.  I've been in Chicago, now I'm in DC and in two days I'm off to NY.  I've seen a lot of people.  I've gotten a little bit of work done.  In fact I need to do some more work and writing this is in part a bit of procrastination on my part but I'll do another 'pomodoro' when I'm done.

So there's no point in trying to make sense of everything.  I just need an outlet and space to get some thoughts out of my head in in particular order.  Though I suppose I should start with the farthest away and work closer.  My Chicago family.  My time with them was good, but also frustrating.  It was interesting to me because when my step-mother and two aunts came to visit me last year we had a really good time and generally got along well.  But this trip was a sort of slow and organized chaos.  First of all, my one uncle was particularly difficult.  My dad was mostly okay, and my other uncle was mostly okay, but the other one was really cantankerous.  He was snappish and nasty and quick to anger and raised his voice quickly.  This stressed me out.  My Aunt was also having a difficult time as she's at the front end of some chemotherapy.  She's usually the one who wants to get up and get us all out and doing something (which is not at all an easy task) but she was also tired and not feeling great.  So she kept complaining that we needed to go do something without particularly helping to deliver us all doing something.  I mean, it's not easy given that half the group has no interest in doing anything at all, and even if you could convince people to go do something, the other people would be adamantly opposed to going to do it.  So it's not a task that I envy, but the constant complaining about it didn't help make it better and only added another level of stress.

I did get to have a nice lunch in the city with my cousin and that was really really nice.  I'm glad that we have had a chance to get to know each other better as he has gotten older.  There's a chance that he'll do a semester abroad next year perhaps and he may try to come over to London to visit the girl who is doing it this year and he can stay with me then as well.  I have so little family that I'm close to, and even less that is close to my age (not that he's close to my age, but I only have 2 first cousins and he's one of them) so I'm really pleased that we seem to be building a relationship though I'm aware I need to put more effort into reaching out to him as I can't really expect him to be the one doing it.  I'm older.  I should be setting an example.

Anyway.  I got to see two friends which was great fun.  My family doesn't give me a hard time if I want to go see my friends.  This is very different from how the next part of my trip will be with my mother when every time I want to see a friend will be complained about and argued about.  So one of my friends I got to see twice and it was great to see her.  But the other friend... well.  I can only think about it in this way.  Once upon a time, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who was very upset and she said something about how I was her 'best friend'.  And this really took me aback because I was shocked that I was her best friend, because it was very clear to me that she was not my best friend. I mean, she was a friend of mine, but not my best friend.  And I felt this imbalance very keenly.  At any rate, one of the people I intended to see this trip, in fact, the person whose schedule dictated the planning of this trip, is the same person who has made me feel like the wrong end of that story up there.  She's one of my best friends.  I had bought my tickets and sent her my itinerary before she bought her tickets.  We overlapped in Chicago by only a day and in DC for only a couple of days.  And in the end I've seen her for only a couple of hours, and then at a party where I saw her very little (though it's hard at a part, I admit).  Still, I felt quite strongly that I got the short end of the stick on her time and attention.  And I didn't like it.  She can email me to say she's spending time with someone else and doesn't want to put -her- out but it's okay to put -me- out?  And to continue with my petty train of thought, the same person I got ditched for is the same person who magically ended up being named god-mother to the baby.  Well.  I suppose it tells me what I need to know, but I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt.  When the person you think is your best friend shows you that they aren't.

On a completely different tangent I had my dad make some rude comment about a picture I put up of myself on facebook which I knew was not the most flattering but I thought was funny.  And my step-mother making some odd comment about my weight and exercise and no one needs to be told in not quite so many words that they are either a)fat or b)ugly.  It's not nice and it makes me feel bad and grumpy and there really isn't loads more to say about it other than that.

I had an awesome day yesterday with two married gay friends who cooked me an amazing brunch and then we went for a kick-ass meal at what they tell me is the best restaurant in DC (Komi).  And that was lovely and they are always tremendous fun to see and catch up with and eat delicious food with.  So that was definitely a highlight.

I also went shopping with my step-mother in Chicago and managed to get 2 pairs of jeans and some other stuff so that was a positive.  I'm not saying there haven't been positives on the trip, but it's the accompanying bad stuff that builds up alongside with it that makes it hard to be relaxed or enjoy the holiday.  I just feel stressed and anxious and oddly angry a lot.  It probably hasn't helped that I've had my period but I can't blame that for everything.

I feel like being with my family makes me an angry person.  I don't think I am generally an angry person, and I would have been angry about the friend situation in any case.  But I see that I'm particularly angry while I'm here.  Anger that comes as a response to stress.

And of course on top of everything I keep fielding questions about how the PhD is going and what am I going to do afterwards and that's sort of crappy as well.  I know that it's pretty much the only thing people can ask me, but it's the absolute wrong thing to ask a PhD student.  And I don't want to talk with random strangers about how I'm thinking about whether or not I want to be a single parent soon because I think there's a limited time window left for this sort of thing and so that will probably dictate some of my job seeking interests after the PhD.  No, I'd be happy to discuss that with one of my good friends who knows me well but it feels a bit personal to be dumping that on to strangers.  And on top of which through the random arena of social media someone I know made a comment (not to me I might add but just in general) which tells me that they wouldn't probably approve of my desire to have a child in my early 40's.  I've fielded one friend expressing their opinion (directly) that they didn't think being a single parent was particularly acceptable and so here's another saying that being an older parent isn't particularly acceptable.  And while I do generally not care about these opinions in the sense that I believe each person is entitled to their own and only an individual can decide what is truly right for them, it does make me sad if I think that I would lose the support or respect of my friends if I make decisions they strongly don't agree with.

Although lets be honest, I probably do that all the time and I don't lose their love or support, it's just that they have the good sense to talk to each other about it and not to me and I'm generally none the wiser.  It's the knowing part that's less pleasant.

Anyway.  That's most of what's going on in my head at the moment.  It's really quite a lot.  And on top of which, I set myself a target of doing one hour of work a day while I'm away and I've only managed to do about half an hour of work a day so far which just isn't good enough.  The entire sum of this is to say, this isn't a relaxing holiday at all.  I'm having good moments, and I'm happy to see friends and family, but it comes with a large cost and emotional stress and while I'm here away from my own place and network and life I feel perhaps much more susceptible to these energies when I am more adrift and less grounded.

Where is she?

So tomorrow morning bright and early is my egg collection.   I have to leave my house at 7:30 to get there by 8:30 for my procedure at 9:00. It should all be over by 9:10- but then I need to come out of the sedation, so I won't be leaving until 10:00 at the earliest, and maybe as late as 11:00.

In the meantime, it's been a weird week.  My flatmate has been acting bizarre ever since the incident last weekend.  You'd think if she actually felt 'unsafe' in the area, that she would try to get home before 10pm on any given night since.  But she hasn't.  It occurs to me that perhaps she is out looking at other flats to move in to.  Of course she hasn't said that to me- but it's an entirely reasonable conclusion.  And would explain some of her behavior. 

That's fine by me if she chooses to move out, although I look forward to the conversation I have with her where I tell her I know she had her period all over the mattress and I want her to replace it with exactly the same one from Ikea as I don't think her deposit will cover the mattress plus the delivery.  And also, she's been sleeping on that mattress (without sheets of course, which is how it got nasty in the first place) since at least the start of the year.  Who does that??  She is so gross.

Because my egg collection is later than I anticipated it was going to be, it has thrown off my plans for the week.  I should have been in Cambridge now.  I'm missing all sorts of stuff tomorrow.  Although I'm going to try to travel up in the evening, it will depend on how I'm feeling.  It's all an outpatient procedure, so honestly I should be fine after a bit of a nap.  Certainly fine enough to go for a short walk and sit on a train.  But who knows.  It's still a medical procedure and things could go not as planned.

I haven't been good about getting on with my work in the past week.  Or today.  I sat around all day today, not working.  I could have been working.  I didn't.  How the fuck am I going to finish this Phd??  I just need to get into a good pattern and get on with it.  My inertia is in part fueled by my ever present procrastination bone but also by being completely overwhelmed.  I'm sure it will all move along, I've just hit a low spot.  And all the egg freezing stuff just provided an inconvenient distraction.  As that is over tomorrow, I should be able to get back some focus.

Not too much else to talk about here.  Just annoyed at the flat mate.  I prefer to know what's going on then feel like I'm being avoided or that she's keeping secrets from me.  And I'm sure the extra hormones don't really help with my feelings at the moment.

Still cruising dating sites.  Have had a few dates the past couple of weeks as well.  Nothing good out of it.  One guy I've met twice, but I don't think it's going to go further.  I might meet him a third time, but I have very low expectations.  In the meantime there's another guy I should make plans to have a first meeting with, but I'm not even feeling very motivated to do that.  Ah well.

It's just too much stuff going on. 

Sometimes I feel awfully alone.

Writing it Down

So I am obviously preoccupied with this whole egg freezing thing.  It's the biggest thing going on in my life, other than that whole PhD malarkey.  At any rate, I don't really want to talk about the PhD.  You should never ask a PhD student how it's going.  It's always going slowly and badly.  And asking only stressed them out.  So the egg freezing is my big thing.

Obviously I'm writing on the egg freezing blog, so for details, go there.  But this space for me is more for the mulling personal stuff.  Following on from the last post about being a single mother, you know, things like, am I willing to just give up ever having an active sex life ever?

I find it all a bit ridiculous that of all the people in the world who don't care about sex, who aren't adventurous about sex, who don't even really want sex... why the hell am I the one not having any sex??  It's like the universe got it all wrong.  I should have been having TONS of sex.  I was meant to have sex!!  Certainly a lot more sex than I've actually ever had in life.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Why is it continuing to happen?

At least I'm not stuck in the 'I'm a defective human' place that I existed in for a long time.  But now it's just annoying.  That life is unfair.  That the universe has a stupid sense of humor.  That I was meant for something I never got to have.

And yeah, I know there is 'still time' but my prime is gone.  My best years are certainly behind me in this regard.  I'm not saying it isn't possible, it might not yet happen, blah blah blah but it's not going to make up for all the years of draught.  And that's even if it does happen which to be honest, I am not particularly convinced about.

I met up with my ex, Heathrow, last night and he was all like 'Oh you just have to be open and put yourself out there' and I was like well fuck that because that's what I've BEEN doing and it's NOT working.  I go on dates.  I put myself out there.  Other than settling for someone I don't like, there is nothing else that I can be doing!  And I know that the first impulse is for people to say I must be too picky but I swear I am not picky.  I don't have a list.  I don't discount people for stupid reasons.  I tend to give people second or even third chances.  The truth is, I just have not met the right person.  Not anything even close to the right person.  And I don't see that changing.  The older I get, the worse off the men seem to get.  Or they're married.  When do they start getting divorced?  Maybe that's the one I need.

Ugh.  I just feel angry and annoyed and a bit sad really.

I'd like to think it's not the three days of hormones I've been shooting up making me all agitated.

Pah.

This is your brain

That will be a very obscure reference to some people.  Particularly if they were born after 1990 give or take.  Anyway.  Of course I have not been updating here loads.  As I get older, I'm either less interested in all the crap that mulls about in my head, or my interest in getting it out and written down has waned.  It's hard to tell.  It used to distress me and now it doesn't.  It is what it is.

But it doesn't mean life doesn't continue and that there aren't a myriad of interesting things slipping past unrecorded.  I could write about my trip to Australia and my time with S and T.  I could write about S and her long struggle and then loss of her one newborn baby but the fact that she has another.  I could write about dates that go nowhere.  Parents obsessed with death.  Annoying colleagues.

Maybe another time.

So last post I talked about the egg freezing.  I'm about to get started on that.  I'm keeping track of it on another blog, specifically to record that journey.  Mostly because I find personal blogs helpful but I didn't want to put all that here and have people coming to find out more about 'egg freezing' come and find out about my life in general.  So you can find me here if you're interested.

So I've been putting  a lot of my thoughts there, and I may repeat what I'm going to write about here.  But what I've been thinking about is more long term and personal.  So related, but different.

I'm trying to figure out exactly how long I have until I need to pull the trigger on deciding if I want to be a single mother by choice or not.  I don't think it's very long at all.  Kids are a lot of work and not all that interesting for the first bunch of years.  And they take a lot of energy.  I don't want to necessarily be starting that journey at 45.  More like 40.  Or 41.  But I turn 39 this year you see.  So that means I have only a small amount of time to make decisions that may enable this future decision, if it's what I want.

It doesn't mean I've given up on dating.  But I'm tired of dating.  And I'm tired of trying and talking and meeting.  And if I keep waiting forever, it may never happen.  This is something I can make happen.  But then it may mean my dating life is actually mostly over.  Not that it's been so stellar up until now.  But still, hard to give up the potential.

I'm sure this is something I will continue to think about.  Particularly towards the end of the year as I look to wrap up the PhD.  I need to get a job.  I was thinking I could get a fun job teaching in a different country and have an adventure.  But no I'm thinking I need a good job with childcare so I can get my two years in so I can claim maternity leave.  So in some ways, the decision, or rather, the future decision, certainly has implications for my next step in life.

I was talking to D on Monday about my life.  I was saying how actually, after I don't know how many years of being miserable, I'm actually generally pretty happy.  I like my house, I like what I do, I like my things.  But then what?  So what?  What's next?  Is that all there is?  I just keep doing what I'm doing forever?  I always wanted a family.  Maybe I just need to have a family on my own.  It's not what I would have chosen, certainly.  But the choices are limited.  Like I said.  I'm not making a decision today.  But the egg freezing process has certainly brought it more central to my mind.  And it's always good to have a distraction when you're supposed to be writing a huge fuck off book.