So today is the day. In about ten hours I head to the airport, in about fourteen or so I should be in the air. I started to feel sick yesterday which wasn't nice. I know what it is of course- it's the phobia kicking in. That dropping feeling in the pit of my stomach and slight nausea that accompanies me every minute.
This has created some stress. And possibly just being around my mom has created stress. At any rate, my personal psychosis that are triggered by stress are in fairly high gear at the moment. The ones where I get paranoid about terrible things happening that tend to involve me, or more specifically, my rejection. So I'm freaked about work at the moment- like maybe I don't have a job anymore. And I'm freaked about Heathrow- like maybe he's not interested anymore. And really those are the main things to freak out about although I'm also a bit freaked to see how my flatmate has kept up the flat, but that's less paranoia and more actual worry because she's very messy!
The trip has been pretty good overall though as far as such trips go. Saw some people lots and others not as much as I would have liked and of course others not at all, but they don't live by me so it's hard. I'd love to be able to see everyone but then I couldn't really see my parents and I'd spend my entire 'vacation' traveling around which, now that I haven't lived in the US for some time, seems like a huge pain in the ass. But I got assorted cool and necessary things. I ate lots of Mexican food (for some reason this was the trip of Mexican food as opposed to most years which have been the trips of sushi) and other tasty stuff. I enjoyed the unseasonal warm weather and the blooming trees. And I did enjoy the time with my parents even though they drive me nuts in their own special ways.
Last night I came within moments of having a nuclear explosion with my mother when the dinner topic turned to one that is vaguely off limits. Still, it's something we haven't discussed since high school and I was astonished that her version of events seemed to have shifted unrecognizably. Neither one of us brought up the particular topic- it was a friend of my mom's who was at dinner talking about her own experience. Still, I would consider the time in my life that this particular thing happened to be one of the pivotal life-changing moments of my life. One I have held up as the reason for the shift and vague deterioration of the relationship between me and my mother. Mainly that when I was in my senior year of high school and getting ready to go to college we had a massive falling out over money- and more specifically about the money my father was supposed to be paying for my college education by order of their divorce agreement.
We had countless screaming arguments where my mother told me I would have to take my father to court. That she was done taking him to court and it was my college eduction and it was my responsibility. And I told her no, it was her divorce agreement and I wasn't going to take him to court that was her job. And it all fell apart around this topic.
So last night this woman is saying something about her son going to college once upon a time and how his father wasn't paying and she didn't want him to take him to court because it would ruin the relationship and somehow our own struggle comes up but my mom was all like, "I would have taken your father to court if you had supported me." and denied completely that she told me that it was my job to take him to court and anything else that she actually said.
The topic was quickly dropped but what infuriated me no end about this exchange aside from it being blatantly a lie, is that it's not even logical. I would like to ask my mother in her version of events that if she was so willing to take my father to court, then how come she never contacted a lawyer? And what pray tell did my 'supporting her' have to do with anything? I screamed at her I don't know how many times that senior year of high school to take him to court for the money. Of course I supported her getting the money off of him. So why didn't she do it pray tell? Because if she was SO WILLING to do it, then please explain to the court why the hell you didn't?
I'll tell you why- because that isn't how it fucking went down! Jesus. As if I would forget those moments that changed my life forever or shaped me into who I am. When I felt betrayed by the woman I loved and trusted and had supported my whole life only to have her come shit on me. As if one could forget their mother saying they were done with lawyers and still paying off bills and weren't going to do it anymore. As if I could forget the repeated comment of "It's your responsibility it's your education." SO ANGRY.
Which only made me wonder what other nuggets my mother may have created to lie to herself about some of her more spectacular fuck-ups as a parent. Like... what does she think happened with my aunt's estate? When I said, please stop dangling money in front of me every time I speak to you, come to a conclusion about the estate, tell me what percentage you think I deserve, and then just give it to me. And if that percentage is zero, then you tell me to my face you think my aunt would have wanted me to have nothing from her estate and so be it. Well, I remember that conversation clear as day. I remember where I was sitting. And has she ever told me a percentage that she thinks my aunt would have wanted me to have? Or has she EVER given me any money specifically as 'from my aunt'? No. Every time she spends any money in the past ten years it's always I need to thank her specifically and meanwhile I know what money she got, and continues to get from my aunt's estate and she hasn't had the balls to say to my face that she thinks my aunt would have wanted me to have NOTHING. Because that would be so much a lie that I'm not sure how you could even say it out loud. And yet, with this recent distortion of the truth, all I can think is that she must have made up some bullshit story about that as well to make her feel better in life.
But seriously, my entire personality has been shaped about remembering details of interactions like this because I couldn't trust my parents. Ask any of my friends about my ability to remember strange details and verbatim conversations that we may have had. I developed that skill as a survival technique and I would bet my house and every possession I have about the words that were said to me and that I said in this particular situation.
However.
I don't want to leave here furious and angry at my mother. Because what happened to me has happened to me, and so what if she remembers it differently? How does that change the past? How does that change how these critical life moments have made me who I am? It doesn't of course, but I don't like to hear my fundamental truths denied or worse called lies. That makes me so furious. But then, she's the only mother I have. Human like everyone else. And particularly flawed when it comes to feeling like a victim. I accept her for who she is. I love her because she's my mother. And I'll miss her. Even if she makes me this angry.
I just don't want to think about all this before a flight. It isn't a nice way to part company. Even if I'm pushing it down inside- that just adds to my phobia stress and makes me pretty miserable.
Ugh. I can't wait to just be home. Leaving and traveling is difficult enough. I didn't need this.
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