Changing Expectation

I've been out of work for so long now that it's become the norm and not the exception. My daily thought process is not that this is all some temporary condition but I have accepted it as my new condition and plan my life and days accordingly.

Of course, it can't be like that, because money is finite and all good things must come to an end. It's just that there aren't any jobs in my field being listed and so I feel very much that there is nothing else I can be doing, other than what I am already doing which includes keeping up with my agents and applying for jobs that I think I probably don't have that good a shot at, but applying anyway because I could do the job even if I don't want it.

And then there are the jobs in other places that are so tempting in many ways but frustrating in others. There's one job making the rounds at the moment for a senior urban designer in China. I won't apply for this job, not only because I don't think I'm quite qualified enough for it, but I can't move to China just now for the same reasons I didn't want to move to Dublin.

But another job has come up that is in Glasgow and it is causing me problems in that it is a very good job, one that would mean a slight career shift for me, but a very positive career shift and would bring prestige and importance. But I would have to move go Glasgow and that has not been something that has been anywhere near my list, let alone high on it. The only good thing to this job is that it's academic- so I would get all the time off that academics get and could hurry back to London every chance I had. But really, if I go for this job, I'm making at least a two year commitment to relocating to Glasgow if not longer.

But it would be a very good job that would lead to the position of Head of the Department. It's a highly influential position that would bring me into contact with any number of other people and open up any number of doors. It's just that it's a huge shift in my thinking. It means shifting my focus to academia over practice. Part of me is frightened. That I'm not ready, that I'm not qualified, that I'm not capable. And I know that in some ways that is probably true, but in other ways it isn't true at all. I'm entirely suited to such a job, if only I were more motivated.

And if only the job were not in Glasgow. I can't help think about how I'm 34 years old and that starting over someplace is just pushing back my social life to square one. That I may be succeeding career-wise, but personally, I'd be suffering a setback I may never recover from. It could be that I'm just afraid of change, but I know how hard it is to meet people and to move to a place where you don't know anyone. It isn't easy and part of me feels like I'm just getting too old for this. But then part of me thinks that I'm in just the sort of position where I am free to make such decisions in that I don't have a partner or a family to drag away from their own lives and commitments.

I don't know. The truth is, were it not for the economic crunch, I would never even be considering such things. These are the choices that I'm having to consider. And it's not that it's all bad, it's just not what I wanted. I think I need to work on coming around to that. Because this current life of sitting in the relative safety of my lounge is not going to last forever.