I don't know what I wrote about last time. I feel very much adrift at the moment, trying to get this report together. It's coming together, but it's all haphazard. And on top of everything else, I have been sick this week- first cold of the season. So I spent at least two days, but probably more like three, slightly delirious and feverish and I would be hard pressed to tell you everything I did in those days, although I know that part of it included needing to go to Cambridge and having to cycle to Tottenham Hale station because my local station had no trains and all the while as I cycled through London I was thinking, really, this isn't the best idea given that I'm fucking sick!!
But I made it through. Did what I needed to do. Have been working relatively diligently. It's coming together but I'm sort of afraid if anyone were to lift up that thin facade, they'd be presented with the total wreck that lies underneath. I have no confidence that the work I'm doing right now is what it should be. In fact, I know that it isn't. What I'm trying to do is write a report that is supposed to be the result of a three year research program. What research? There hasn't been any bloody research. Me and the other PhD, we're pulling all this shit together on a shoestring and by an hourglass. I think the worst part, is that from the little that I'm scraping together, I can see that actually- actually, there is real potential in this work. There is actually something interesting and potentially important within it. But it's never going to be looked at again. It's not going to be used or investigated properly.
But it doesn't matter. I just need to get it done. At least now my cold is receding although I'm terrified that I'm going to be left with the obligatory cough that won't go away. I have six days to finish off the first draft before it gets sent off to those who will rip it apart. Then I have just a scant few days to make any changes, get it out again, and have it all ready for the big event. The big event is scheduled for November 15. If we can pull this shit together, if we can really do it, then after that date I am free of all of this work for my research program. Then the only thing that I will have left to do for the next year and a half (plus an additional six month overrun if necessary) is my own fucking work. I can't tell you what a relief that will be, but I also can't explain how much I have disliked this particular exercise. Which sort of sucks because it's just like writing a PhD. So I'm wasting my energy and interest on this bullshit when really I need to save that up for my own big job. I'm sure it will be fine and after this work is done, I will take a small mental break and then be much much happier about life. But I'm not there yet, so for now it's all just postulating.
In other news, I've been depressed about the dating situation or lack thereof. Of course it's not that I have any time for dating. But still, I'm feeling particularly down about it at the moment. Maybe I'm just not cut out for long term relationships. I've never had one. For some reason as time goes on it just seems less and less likely. I mean, I know that's not exactly true. And it's important that I'm not trying to blame myself in this. It's just fucking depressing is all. I don't have loads more to say about it that I haven't said before. I just think that the odds of my ever finding someone who I love and who loves me back is minimal.
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