Uncomfortable

Last day in DC at my Dad's house. I probably made a mistake in the distribution of my time in that I spent a lot of time up in NY with my Mom, and not so much time down here it seems. But I had intended to go to Boston originally from NY as well but didn't. Oh well.

So later today I hop a train back north and tomorrow night I fly back to London. I don't know why, but I'm very stressed about all of this. In some ways I feel I've been gone a long time. I feel disassociated from London and my life there, and somehow it frightens me to go back to it. Probably because I have a lot of work to do. Because I have to hit the ground running. Or maybe I'm just scared of the flight. I have no idea.

Overall the trip has been good though. Got to see pretty much everyone I could and spend quality time with the parents. I even got to relax, so that's a bonus.

I've managed to eat far too much, but then I've tempered that a couple of days even if only because I was so full I was set to explode. At any rate, I haven't gained too much weight as there is a scale here, and I will hopefully lose what I did when I return to my normal eating habits upon my return. Not that my current eating habits are particularly normal, but you know what I mean.

I still don't quite know why I'm so incredibly stressed however. It makes me feel jumpy and edgy and anxious. I mean, obviously it's a combination of the two things I cited, I guess what I'm really saying is that I don't like it. Especially as it's the last two days of my trip, I'd rather just enjoy it. But I'm finding it hard.

It doesn't really matter as I'll be back to my home soon and into the swing of things. I hear they put scaffolding up on my building and the work has started. I think I also hate when I leave and things happen in my absence. Although this is obviously normal, it makes me feel insignificant. And I don't like missing things.

See? I'm just in a weird fucking mood. Ugh.

Scratch

Greetings from NY. I'll have to add a picture later, not so easy without my regular set up. I suppose I should update, another blurry mess of randomness.

Well, from my last post, the more entertaining story is that I developed a UTI on the day I was off to the States. I didn't realize what it was initially, and it was only just as I was getting ready to go to the airport from my office that I fully figured it out (helped by the unwelcome sight of blood where there shouldn't have been any). I was worried because I figured I needed antibiotics but didn't know how I was going to get them before getting on the plane and I was not really wanting to pay for a doctor in the States to get them. But you know, you do what you have to do. At any rate, with help from T, I managed to call NHS direct to ask them what I should do and they pretty much said to drink loads and see a doctor as soon as I could upon landing. So I called my mom and left her a message and she managed to get her doctor to prescribe her antibiotics for me to take. This was rather fortuitous. So that's been a bit of an adventure.

It amuses me because I've never had a UTI and while I know that the way to prevent them is to get up and go pee after sex, seeing as I've never had one, I never followed this bit of advice, although I know friends for whom it is a quasi religion. At any rate, I have learned my lesson, and I will now make efforts to go pee after sex. Although it makes an amusing story, I prefer it not really happen again.

Keeping on the health track, my skin is a complete disaster. I'm having allergies from hell. I don't know if it's the cat, or just pollen or just stress, or even weather. All I know is that my hands are in worse shape then they have possibly been in years. My eyes are regularly swollen to give me half lidded lizard eyes. And of course my nose is blocked as well. It is well and truly unpleasant, although I'll cite my hands as the worst, and eyes as a follow up second. I'm so used to the sinus issues at this point that it hardly rates. But the skin thing is dreadful. My knuckles are stiff with swollen and irritated skin. I've got red splotches all over the backs of my hands, and my wrists are rubbed raw. I even woke up last night scratching. It's not good. I keep taking benadryl which seems to keep it slightly under control, but that is making me really sleepy, and my skin isn't actually improving, it just makes the incessant itching go away. This is not making me happy.

What is making me happy is seeing friends and good food, and my new computer, which I am typing on right now. Although tomorrow I will be exchanging it for a different one as this one seems to have a few factory quirks and I'm not starting with anything but a perfect machine. However, aside from the weird quirk that will cause me to exchange this one, I otherwise love this machine. Considering my existing laptop is something like six years old, even though this is not a 'top of the line' machine, it just runs circles around my current laptop. So I'm very excited about it, even though it's causing me a bit of initial grief.

Food is also featuring on the positive side of my trip, but then it always does. So far I've had Chinatown dim sum, sushi, Ethiopian, and pizza. Tomorrow I'm having Mexican. I am also thinking of going out first thing and getting fresh bagels for breakfast. Such bounty. I will say however, that I see how much has changed since I've lived in the US. The way people eat, the things that they buy. Over half of it doesn't interest me. Half of it seems so... American. And not in a good way. On the other hand, I didn't eat like this when I lived here, so there are things that have changed in seven years, as one would expect. But sometimes it's just shocking. Prices are also shocking as everything is something like twice the price I keep expecting it to be. It's a bit weird. Makes me feel in some ways that I don't fit in here, but I realize it's normal given how long I've now been in London. I guess it's just interesting how the world continues to shift and change, even over such relatively short times.

I'm here in NY for just about a week, then I'm off to DC to see my Dad and associated parties. It is a nice long break I'm having, which is good. I just wish that I wasn't suffering so much from medical crap. Because I can't fully relax at any time when I'm plagued by such problems. At least the UTI was generally mild and now mostly gone (though I need to finish out the course of antibiotics). It's the skin itching that I think is going to drive me insane. It's all the time. Unless I'm doped up on antihistamines. Not useful when all I really want to do is honestly just relax! But hopefully it will start to get better, because seriously, given the current state, it doesn't get much worse than this.

Anyway, that's the random postings for now. More later I'm sure. It's so nice to have my own laptop!! Oh, and the 'borrowed' Internet isn't so bad either!

Should be Packing

But when has that ever motivated me? I thought I should update before I took off for the skies. Because my last post was perhaps premature in some ways, and prescient in others.

Since my last post, I had sex. Yes, I decided to give G one more chance after chatting with mutual friend H. She said to me, "G is a bit wet, I'm afraid you're going to have to drive that train." And I just thought well, maybe. I was annoyed that there had been the whole raincheck with no follow up, and my delicate ego wasn't really up for another beating, but I thought I'd give it a try, and aren't I glad I did.

As it was bank holiday weekend, G and I met up Sunday for a movie (An Education) at the Prince Charles then we went for a drink in the lower level bar at the Curzon. I know, very arty of us. We hung out on a sofa for a while, but eventually it was last call and they were kicking us out. We had that moment of 'what next' and it was suggested (not by me) that maybe we could go back to my house, but there was some reservation. Basically G expressed that he didn't want to hurt me. So what ensued was a vaguely grown up conversation about how to have casual intimate relationships, what the rules were, and so forth, and with that out of the way, we popped over to Chinatown for a fried rice take away and took the bus back to mine.

Of course on the bus, we watched some porn on my mp3 player. That was amusing. There is something pleasing about being able to share certain aspects of yourself without repercussion. I know that most of my friends know about my sexual interests, but that doesn't mean I want to share it specifically with them (or that they would want me to). I like that I can just express something kinky or deviant and it's just accepted. But better than being accepted, it's appreciated.

At any rate. Back to my house, some wine, some books, some whip cracking in the lounge. You know, the usual. Then we went up to my room and had some fun. In fact, we had a lot of fun. Marred by one small incident that was quickly overcome. Positive comment of note, my matching underwear set and my waist cincher corset with some sexy shoes looks pretty hot. Note to self, invest in another waist cincher corset.

So that was really positive right? Right?? But the not so great thing since my last post has been my eating. Atrocious. I've gotten it into my head that I'm overweight because I eat more calories than I use up. So, the only way to lose weight is to eat less. Therefor, I've spent the better part of the past five days or so not eating that much. Impressively I've lost 4 pounds, but I know this isn't clever. On the other hand, I do just get really frustrated. I read an article on a health website that was all about the calories in/calories out equation and how it's bullshit that people are 'looking for the fat gene' because really, they're just eating too much. I think, okay, this is true to a certain extent. The only problem is, if you don't burn enough calories in a day, then you have to eat less then the 'recommended average' in order to be a 'healthy' weight. I'm convinced that the only way for me to be 'thin' at my current activity level is to actually eat less to the point where my daily intake would be somewhat shocking. On the other hand, I really don't eat all that terribly. Don't have junk food, not loads of high fat stuff, lots of vegetables. I do believe that I have portion control issues sometimes, but I don't snack. So what? Need less calories. Must eat less food.

Although in saying this, going to the States tomorrow is not going to uphold this new eating plan, as pretty much my entire visit revolves around eating food. So either this phase will pass in the almost three weeks I'm away, or I'll come back and restrict my eating again because I'll have gained a lot of weight. Who knows. We'll see.

As for going to the States tomorrow, I'm so stressed. My skin is a disaster. It's been an incredibly busy time with school stuff - change of supervisor, changing from my internship period to my research period, and getting ready for this trip. I've been avoiding thinking about the trip basically but all of the sudden it's tomorrow and I haven't gotten everything done. Not to mention the phobia. Not at all looking forward to the flight. Feel like I'm hurtling towards something I can't stop, and am not quite sure I want. I'm sure I'll have a good time once I'm there, but it's hard to get my head in the right space. I feel like I'm being ripped from my life, just leaving a void, floating in limbo. I really don't like that feeling.

So that's a vague update. I should say more about the sex. It's so novel to me. Still. I honestly wonder sometimes if there will come a time when sex isn't novel to me. Not to mention the thrill of riding crops and rubber whips, leather cuffs and a collar, chains, nipple clamps, blindfolds, hoods, vibrators, and porn. How on earth does anyone ever get tired of it?? That's a challenge I would happily take on.

Anyway. I suppose I should consider packing. Or maybe I should leave that for the morning. Think good plane thoughts for me.

Time For It

I miss writing, it just never seems the right time.

So all these good ideas and thoughts pass me by and like most things in life, generally disappear forever. I don't like it.

So while I don't have anything entirely pressing to say just now, it is time to sit down and write, just because. So here goes.

In less than a week I fly to the States. I'm trying not to think about the flying thing, though I suppose I should. I'm just now considering and trying to remember if I have enough drugs for the trip. I'll need to check that. Could be a problem. Although I think I might be okay, but then this will be using up whatever I have left so I will definitely need to make an appointment for more.

School is going well I think. Hard for me not to say 'work' to be honest. Hard to think of myself as a 'student'. I have a new supervisor. She's fairly impressive. She is going to kick my ass in the best possible way and I'm going to do much better work because of her efforts. A friend of mine delighted me by responding to my comments on this subject with the following:

"It also seems like you're happy to be driven like a rented mule with this new boss. Almost like she's taking control, giving orders, handing out punishments to her rebellious staff. Sounds perfect for you."

Of course, this is entirely accurate. Isn't it wonderful?

In sadder news, I haven't had sex since my last posting. This is entirely why I don't get involved in such scenarios. If I'm going to have a friend with benefits, I want a lot of benefits. Like weekly benefits. If this much time passes in between, then I just sort of wonder what the point is. When I've gone through the trouble of opening the door to sex, it just stirs up all sorts of thinking and desires. I prefer to have that door shut, or have that door being used. Not just sitting idly open. That isn't good for me. So I'm working on dealing with the disappointment. Though I don't regret the particular evening. I'm just sad that it hasn't been followed up on. (And yes, I've made an offer, I was politely declined for a 'raincheck'. Whatever.)

When I go home I'm getting a new laptop. I need one for all of my moving about between the city and Cambridge and home. I need something I can carry my own work on and have the things I need readily at hand. I'm going to get an ultra-light, 13.5". Just haven't decided on the brand yet. I've been waiting for a couple of new released from Acer and Asus but it looks like they're going to be too late, so I either need the previous model or I need to go look at some other options in the shop. At least that gives me something to do when I get there.

To continue with the garbage in my head, I've been feeling particularly fat these days. I don't really know what's brought it on, well, let me rephrase this. The incident with G and the lack of follow up in the sex department really doesn't help with my body image issues. But also, it seems I knew a number of women who are losing weight or thinking about weight and this always makes me consider my own weight. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do about it yet, but it's something I'm thinking about a lot, almost bordering on unhealthy. Should I consider myself lucky or not that even though I mentally obsess about these things, I rarely get to the point of taking action - in particular, stupid actions. But then again, that attitude of laziness just fuels my negative thinking about how I'm a terrible person. Alas.

Which isn't to say I've been hugely down on myself. I haven't been. I'm enjoying my new post-fire short haircut. I'm enjoying the spring. I'm enjoying my work. I'm enjoying my friends, for as much as I see of them at the moment, although I do feel perhaps a bit alone. That's not terribly unusual though. I'm looking forward to going home, I'm looking forward to coming back. I just can't quite get past the sense that something is missing or off. Maybe it's the flight coming up. I don't know. I'm not dwelling to the point where it's overwhelming me, but I acknowledge that it's there.

Oh yeah, and in my last bit of random spouting, they're about to start work on my building so that sort of sucks. Going to be covered in scaffolding some time next week, just as the weather is getting to the point where I want windows open. Not to mention that this little exercise by the Council is going to cost me somewhere in excess of eight grand in squids. And on top of that I just got a notice yesterday that in addition to all the Decent Homes work that they're getting ready to start and charge me for, they're going to do a secure entry door installation and that's going to be a new and separate bill. Great. The timing couldn't be worse really. I had saved some money to fund my studentship and it looks like it's all about to fly out the window. Just really really bad timing.

But that's life I guess. It's all life. Just trucking along. Tick tock, tick tock. What else can you do?