The PhD is coming to the end. It's not there yet, I'm completely sick of working on it. But with almost 60,000 words and 250 pages, I'm definitely within sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it still flickers in and out of my view, it's getting clearer, and closer, every day.
This means that this year will see the end of this 4+ year journey and my return to 'real' work. Although I have no actual offers of any kind on the table, I have a couple of different leads and potential opportunities which are both exciting for different reasons. The fact is, one does not negate the other, and I'm likely to pursue the one (if it comes through) and hold the other in my pocket. But thinking about jobs leads me to also consider this next phase of my life.
Which of course makes me think about the whole children issue. If I want to have a child, then I think I want to start that not this year, but the year after. That means I need a job which is secure, and where I will have support. Particularly if I'm going to do this on my own. I'm nervous about the whole kid thing. It was a big year last year with all the egg freezing which made me think about it a lot. I felt sure that I had come to a decision, but it's a scary decision and I still worry that maybe it's not the right choice. Although when I think about why I think it might not be the right choice I think things like, 'it will be hard', or 'the child might hate me', or 'is it responsible to not have a father-figure'. And none of these seem like very good reasons, because I think it's hard on everyone, and your child is always going to hate you at some point for something, and while not having a father-figure is certainly not ideal, it happens. I also note that none of those reasons were, 'I don't really want to be a mother' which I think is probably more important. Anyway, it's a lot to think about still. And choices I make this year, will set up decisions for the next year.
In addition, I have 3 friends who will be welcoming new children into their families this year, that I know of, so far. I suspect there will be more.
I also happen to turn 40 this year which seems like a milestone of some sort. I haven't decided what I want to do to mark it. I had some ideas but I've recently changed my mind. Maybe. The real problem is, is that my mother's birthday is 8 days from mine and as she had me when she turned 30, is also a milestone for her. My whole life my milestone birthdays have been somewhat overshadowed by hers and this is an instance where I'm not really in the mood to deal with the arguing. On the other hand, that doesn't seem very nice or generous of me and you know, it's only a birthday. But, if I wanted to, for example, go on a yoga retreat, I don't think my mom would be up for that. So that's sort of annoying, but I'm sure in the end it will be fine.
Also this year I've had one friend return to London, and will maybe see the return of another, but I will also have the loss of one. In fact over the next year and a little bit, I will lose two of my closest friends here (and possibly a third), to places far afield. So the fact of the matter is, my life as I know it will change in many ways in the next year, across many different fronts.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous about it all. I mean yes, it's all very exciting in many ways. But I get nervous about uncertainty. I don't really embrace it, though I think I'm good at rolling with it. And in the end, I will make the best of what the options are and life will continue on it's merry way. One thing is for certain though, it's going to be a big year of change, and I can't even imagine what I'll be writing here next year.
