Keeps on spinning

It looks like I actually wrote a few times towards the end of last year and then it looks like I haven't written anything this year at all.  So I suppose this will remedy that.  As per usual with such lapses it means that swathes of my life are going to be left to my own memory which I must admit gets spottier and spottier as I get older.  I used to have a fabulous memory.  In fact I would say an over-active memory.  Nowadays I suppose I just don't think things that are happening of worthy of such intense scrutiny and therefore remembrance.  Funny how things change.

It's my birthday this Saturday and I turn 40.  I, like most humans, like round numbers and things that suggest patterns so of course 40 seems like something meaningful when in fact it is simply the year between 39 and 41.  I've managed to pull together an exciting bunch of celebratory events.  Friday I'll be having dinner with a large group of friends at Bocca di Lupo which I have not yet eaten at but have wanted to for ages.  I expect this to be a lovely and delicious meal that will make me very happy.  The on Sunday I'm off to Corsica with a friend (and another who is coming along later on Wednesday night).  A real proper holiday in a holiday location.  I don't feel prepared for the trip, but then I have all Saturday to pack and sort things out.  I'm good at the last minute packing.

I've been seeing a guy for about a month now.  I feel very strongly that he's not a keeper, but we're having some fun at the moment.  I don't know how long it will last, but for now fun is good.  Although I'm fairly convinced he's been giving me strep throat and is some sort of carrier.  This is due to me getting a sore throat just after getting a horrible sore throat for which I took antibiotics which happened a couple of days after the first time we kissed. Then I finished the antibiotics course, we get together, and sore throat again.  It doesn't take a genius.

I've been working this past year at a good job but it is a sabbatical cover so it ends at the end of the year.  There had been some hope that there would be a way for me to stay on and a few months ago this led to all sorts of stress about the possibility of moving to Cambridge for real and how that would be.  But at the moment it looks like that will not be what happens.  So I'm looking elsewhere.  I've applied for 2 jobs in London, and 1 in Cardiff. I've also got a meeting in just under an hour for an industry job in London although it's not really a formal interview it's a 'conversation', but it is an interview sort of.

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Back from that.  It was sort of an interview.  It was fine.  We'll see if anything comes out of it.

I'm exhausted.  This is probably from fighting off whatever infection I have.  At least I hope it sort of feels like it's not getting worse.  So that's good.  But I'm still exhausted.

And stressed. I have a lot to do.  Lots for work, lots for holiday.  Just lots to do.  And it's already Wednesday... I'm just not being particularly productive.  This is no good.

I'm sure there is more I could say and I was very motivated to write earlier but now I just feel tired.  The guy is coming over tonight and I'm not enthused about it.  I just want to sleep.  I really can't see him lasting super long at this rate.  Sort of a shame, but I guess the shame is he isn't what I hoped for, not that I want him in particular to last super long.

I don't even thing I'm making sense anymore. 

Until next time.

2014 - All Change

With the new year having turned the corner, I feel like I'm just keeping up.  However, there is no denying that this is a big year for me, with a lot of change and contemplation needing to happen in the next 12 months.

The PhD is coming to the end.  It's not there yet, I'm completely sick of working on it.  But with almost 60,000 words and 250 pages, I'm definitely within sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it still flickers in and out of my view, it's getting clearer, and closer, every day.

This means that this year will see the end of this 4+ year journey and my return to 'real' work.  Although I have no actual offers of any kind on the table, I have a couple of different leads and potential opportunities which are both exciting for different reasons.  The fact is, one does not negate the other, and I'm likely to pursue the one (if it comes through) and hold the other in my pocket.  But thinking about jobs leads me to also consider this next phase of my life.

Which of course makes me think about the whole children issue.  If I want to have a child, then I think I want to start that not this year, but the year after.  That means I need a job which is secure, and where I will have support.  Particularly if I'm going to do this on my own.  I'm nervous about the whole kid thing.  It was a big year last year with all the egg freezing which made me think about it a lot.  I felt sure that I had come to a decision, but it's a scary decision and I still worry that maybe it's not the right choice.  Although when I think about why I think it might not be the right choice I think things like, 'it will be hard', or 'the child might hate me', or 'is it responsible to not have a father-figure'.  And none of these seem like very good reasons, because I think it's hard on everyone, and your child is always going to hate you at some point for something, and while not having a father-figure is certainly not ideal, it happens.  I also note that none of those reasons were, 'I don't really want to be a mother' which I think is probably more important.  Anyway, it's a lot to think about still.  And choices I make this year, will set up decisions for the next year.

In addition, I have 3 friends who will be welcoming new children into their families this year, that I know of, so far.  I suspect there will be more.

I also happen to turn 40 this year which seems like a milestone of some sort.  I haven't decided what I want to do to mark it.  I had some ideas but I've recently changed my mind. Maybe.  The real problem is, is that my mother's birthday is 8 days from mine and as she had me when she turned 30, is also a milestone for her.  My whole life my milestone birthdays have been somewhat overshadowed by hers and this is an instance where I'm not really in the mood to deal with the arguing.  On the other hand, that doesn't seem very nice or generous of me and you know, it's only a birthday.  But, if I wanted to, for example, go on a yoga retreat, I don't think my mom would be up for that.  So that's sort of annoying, but I'm sure in the end it will be fine.

Also this year I've had one friend return to London, and will maybe see the return of another, but I will also have the loss of one.  In fact over the next year and a little bit, I will lose two of my closest friends here (and possibly a third), to places far afield.  So the fact of the matter is, my life as I know it will change in many ways in the next year, across many different fronts. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous about it all.  I mean yes, it's all very exciting in many ways.  But I get nervous about uncertainty.  I don't really embrace it, though I think I'm good at rolling with it.  And in the end, I will make the best of what the options are and life will continue on it's merry way.  One thing is for certain though, it's going to be a big year of change, and I can't even imagine what I'll be writing here next year.