Where is she?

So tomorrow morning bright and early is my egg collection.   I have to leave my house at 7:30 to get there by 8:30 for my procedure at 9:00. It should all be over by 9:10- but then I need to come out of the sedation, so I won't be leaving until 10:00 at the earliest, and maybe as late as 11:00.

In the meantime, it's been a weird week.  My flatmate has been acting bizarre ever since the incident last weekend.  You'd think if she actually felt 'unsafe' in the area, that she would try to get home before 10pm on any given night since.  But she hasn't.  It occurs to me that perhaps she is out looking at other flats to move in to.  Of course she hasn't said that to me- but it's an entirely reasonable conclusion.  And would explain some of her behavior. 

That's fine by me if she chooses to move out, although I look forward to the conversation I have with her where I tell her I know she had her period all over the mattress and I want her to replace it with exactly the same one from Ikea as I don't think her deposit will cover the mattress plus the delivery.  And also, she's been sleeping on that mattress (without sheets of course, which is how it got nasty in the first place) since at least the start of the year.  Who does that??  She is so gross.

Because my egg collection is later than I anticipated it was going to be, it has thrown off my plans for the week.  I should have been in Cambridge now.  I'm missing all sorts of stuff tomorrow.  Although I'm going to try to travel up in the evening, it will depend on how I'm feeling.  It's all an outpatient procedure, so honestly I should be fine after a bit of a nap.  Certainly fine enough to go for a short walk and sit on a train.  But who knows.  It's still a medical procedure and things could go not as planned.

I haven't been good about getting on with my work in the past week.  Or today.  I sat around all day today, not working.  I could have been working.  I didn't.  How the fuck am I going to finish this Phd??  I just need to get into a good pattern and get on with it.  My inertia is in part fueled by my ever present procrastination bone but also by being completely overwhelmed.  I'm sure it will all move along, I've just hit a low spot.  And all the egg freezing stuff just provided an inconvenient distraction.  As that is over tomorrow, I should be able to get back some focus.

Not too much else to talk about here.  Just annoyed at the flat mate.  I prefer to know what's going on then feel like I'm being avoided or that she's keeping secrets from me.  And I'm sure the extra hormones don't really help with my feelings at the moment.

Still cruising dating sites.  Have had a few dates the past couple of weeks as well.  Nothing good out of it.  One guy I've met twice, but I don't think it's going to go further.  I might meet him a third time, but I have very low expectations.  In the meantime there's another guy I should make plans to have a first meeting with, but I'm not even feeling very motivated to do that.  Ah well.

It's just too much stuff going on. 

Sometimes I feel awfully alone.

Writing it Down

So I am obviously preoccupied with this whole egg freezing thing.  It's the biggest thing going on in my life, other than that whole PhD malarkey.  At any rate, I don't really want to talk about the PhD.  You should never ask a PhD student how it's going.  It's always going slowly and badly.  And asking only stressed them out.  So the egg freezing is my big thing.

Obviously I'm writing on the egg freezing blog, so for details, go there.  But this space for me is more for the mulling personal stuff.  Following on from the last post about being a single mother, you know, things like, am I willing to just give up ever having an active sex life ever?

I find it all a bit ridiculous that of all the people in the world who don't care about sex, who aren't adventurous about sex, who don't even really want sex... why the hell am I the one not having any sex??  It's like the universe got it all wrong.  I should have been having TONS of sex.  I was meant to have sex!!  Certainly a lot more sex than I've actually ever had in life.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Why is it continuing to happen?

At least I'm not stuck in the 'I'm a defective human' place that I existed in for a long time.  But now it's just annoying.  That life is unfair.  That the universe has a stupid sense of humor.  That I was meant for something I never got to have.

And yeah, I know there is 'still time' but my prime is gone.  My best years are certainly behind me in this regard.  I'm not saying it isn't possible, it might not yet happen, blah blah blah but it's not going to make up for all the years of draught.  And that's even if it does happen which to be honest, I am not particularly convinced about.

I met up with my ex, Heathrow, last night and he was all like 'Oh you just have to be open and put yourself out there' and I was like well fuck that because that's what I've BEEN doing and it's NOT working.  I go on dates.  I put myself out there.  Other than settling for someone I don't like, there is nothing else that I can be doing!  And I know that the first impulse is for people to say I must be too picky but I swear I am not picky.  I don't have a list.  I don't discount people for stupid reasons.  I tend to give people second or even third chances.  The truth is, I just have not met the right person.  Not anything even close to the right person.  And I don't see that changing.  The older I get, the worse off the men seem to get.  Or they're married.  When do they start getting divorced?  Maybe that's the one I need.

Ugh.  I just feel angry and annoyed and a bit sad really.

I'd like to think it's not the three days of hormones I've been shooting up making me all agitated.

Pah.

This is your brain

That will be a very obscure reference to some people.  Particularly if they were born after 1990 give or take.  Anyway.  Of course I have not been updating here loads.  As I get older, I'm either less interested in all the crap that mulls about in my head, or my interest in getting it out and written down has waned.  It's hard to tell.  It used to distress me and now it doesn't.  It is what it is.

But it doesn't mean life doesn't continue and that there aren't a myriad of interesting things slipping past unrecorded.  I could write about my trip to Australia and my time with S and T.  I could write about S and her long struggle and then loss of her one newborn baby but the fact that she has another.  I could write about dates that go nowhere.  Parents obsessed with death.  Annoying colleagues.

Maybe another time.

So last post I talked about the egg freezing.  I'm about to get started on that.  I'm keeping track of it on another blog, specifically to record that journey.  Mostly because I find personal blogs helpful but I didn't want to put all that here and have people coming to find out more about 'egg freezing' come and find out about my life in general.  So you can find me here if you're interested.

So I've been putting  a lot of my thoughts there, and I may repeat what I'm going to write about here.  But what I've been thinking about is more long term and personal.  So related, but different.

I'm trying to figure out exactly how long I have until I need to pull the trigger on deciding if I want to be a single mother by choice or not.  I don't think it's very long at all.  Kids are a lot of work and not all that interesting for the first bunch of years.  And they take a lot of energy.  I don't want to necessarily be starting that journey at 45.  More like 40.  Or 41.  But I turn 39 this year you see.  So that means I have only a small amount of time to make decisions that may enable this future decision, if it's what I want.

It doesn't mean I've given up on dating.  But I'm tired of dating.  And I'm tired of trying and talking and meeting.  And if I keep waiting forever, it may never happen.  This is something I can make happen.  But then it may mean my dating life is actually mostly over.  Not that it's been so stellar up until now.  But still, hard to give up the potential.

I'm sure this is something I will continue to think about.  Particularly towards the end of the year as I look to wrap up the PhD.  I need to get a job.  I was thinking I could get a fun job teaching in a different country and have an adventure.  But no I'm thinking I need a good job with childcare so I can get my two years in so I can claim maternity leave.  So in some ways, the decision, or rather, the future decision, certainly has implications for my next step in life.

I was talking to D on Monday about my life.  I was saying how actually, after I don't know how many years of being miserable, I'm actually generally pretty happy.  I like my house, I like what I do, I like my things.  But then what?  So what?  What's next?  Is that all there is?  I just keep doing what I'm doing forever?  I always wanted a family.  Maybe I just need to have a family on my own.  It's not what I would have chosen, certainly.  But the choices are limited.  Like I said.  I'm not making a decision today.  But the egg freezing process has certainly brought it more central to my mind.  And it's always good to have a distraction when you're supposed to be writing a huge fuck off book.