Struggling

I'd like to write something happy and exciting but I'm afraid I can't. The funk is still with me. I feel lost a bit. Adrift. Somewhat isolated. I am also feeling old. On the one hand I like what I'm doing with my life just now, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. That I'm not where I should be at this point in my life.

It's a repetitive lament. On the work front I continue to feel like I'm not getting my own stuff done. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel that I'm falling behind. I feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like I won't be able to do what I need to do.

On the positive side on the work front I had one of the girl's in the center tell me that me and this other guy M are considered the smartest ones out of the group and that she says people speak quite highly of my intellect when I'm not around. So that made me feel good.

But my view of my own work is currently not good.

And then there's the relationships. Or lack of relationships. In fact, no relationships. And feeling old again, and that I'm just not going to get those chances. I won't even have the choice you see. No choice. I'm getting old, and the window is passing by. I might yet meet someone one day, but I am probably never going to have a family. That makes me a bit sad. For the record, I think I would have made an awesome parent.

The commute is still really getting to me. I don't feel like I exist in any place. Instead of feeling that I'm half in Cambridge and half in London what I feel like is that I'm not in Cambridge and I'm not in London. I'm not anywhere. This is the adrift bit. There's nothing to hold me. It doesn't really matter. I show up here, I show up there. I just appear, and disappear.

I'm frustrated with lack of funding. I'm frustrated with my house. I feel like I don't live in a particularly grown up house. I want to get my shit together. I want to fix my lounge wall and get a gas fire put in and proper shelves. I want to fix the bathroom. Of course I can't afford any of this just now. Or rather, I could blow my savings on doing this but that would not be a particularly clever idea. I just feel stalled although I know I'm not really stalled. I know I'm doing this cool thing. I know that my friend X has been out of work now for some time and that I could just as easily not be doing the PhD and not be doing anything at all. I am doing exactly what I should be doing and I am kind of damn lucky to be doing it.

It just doesn't feel that way in the day to day grind of it. Sometimes.

To try and be positive about something else though, the other blog venture is going really well. I'm pleased about that. It's providing a good outlet for some additional writing and professional thought muscle flexing.

I'm also happy that I seem to do well in my classes that I'm taking and sitting in on in Land Economy. I have to take the one class for credit and the other two I'm sitting in on because they seemed really interesting. And they are extremely interesting, but I also already know a lot of the stuff they're saying and I've made some comments in class that have been well received. So that also made me feel good.

Huh. I feel good when people recognize I'm smart. I'm seeing a trend. Well. What the fuck else do I have going on? It's not like I'm getting any other kudos at the moment for say, being exceptionally pretty, or well dressed, or kind. I guess I have to settle for what I can get.

Other positive thinking is that the past two weeks I've gone to the gym 3 out of the 4 days I've been in London. That's been good. And I've done sit-ups whilst in Cambridge which is good. I'm still feeling tremendously out of shape and it's probably going to be another week or two before I can ratchet up the regimen to some more serious toning and burning, but I'm happy to find that I have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. And I do enjoy it when I'm there. Maybe me and the gym just need to go in cycles and I'm on an up cycle. Whatever it is I'm not going to complain about that particular one.

Not much else to report. Everyone seems to have worse problems than I do. On top of all of this whinging I feel like I'm making something out of nothing. Not when I don't really have anything particularly serious going on.

Oh, I met up with the other couple and there was some hanky panky going on. I'm not sure I want to get into that just now. Suffice to say, casual just isn't really doing it for me at the moment. Or maybe it was because it was only with him and not also with her. But no, really, I don't want to fuck around just now, I either want someone who wants to be with me or maybe I just don't want anything for a bit. It's not satisfying. At least, not just at the moment. I felt similarly at the rope workshop. I tied up H in a couple of pretty good ties which was nice. But then this guy K tied me up and that was cool and all but I couldn't be in the right head space for it to enjoy it the way I would like to either. I think when it comes to me and relationships or intimacy at the moment I'm feeling incredibly selfish. I want it to be the real deal or I don't want anything to do with it. Of course, that doesn't actually match up to my behavior, but I know how I feel, even if I choose to pursue other avenues.

Funk

As in, I'm in one. It's been going on for at least a few days now. My life seems busy but aimless. I think this is the majority of the reason, although lack of any interesting relationship status also isn't helping. But actually, I think it has more to do with my workload. I'm very cranky about it at the moment. I'm annoyed at having things piled on me and not being able to pursue what I want to be pursuing. And every time I get a chance to do a little bit of my own work, I feel like I haven't done enough, that there's loads more to do, and no time to do it in. It's frustrating and difficult and I just find that I'm in a particularly grouchy mood.

Of course there could be relationship factors in this as well. I've been distinctly unhappy with my weight and appearance. I have not shifted the weight I gained since going to Italy, and even before that I'd only just managed to get it back into the 'acceptable high' zone. I'm now still five pounds over that and fuming about it. So I've rejoined my gym. I had a slow start the week before and didn't go, but this past week I went Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Now that I'm in Cambridge I obviously can't go, but I did do sit-ups this morning. I think I can be good about going at least three out of the four days I'm in London, although ideally I'll go all four days. It is hard though, I'm not going to lie to myself about it. I managed to go this past week, but I think I just need to take it a week at a time and see how it goes.

Just a bit ago I got an email from the jackrabbit who is back from Columbia. I suggested we meet up for a drink a week ago and he just replied to say yes but felt the need to emphasize 'as friends'. Which is fine of course, and not that far off from what I expected (and also why I suggested just to meet for drinks) but it still isn't very nice, is it? No.

I think I'm in a terrible mood when it comes to boys and dating at the moment. I find I have zero patience for boys who don't appear to put in any effort. What happened to the art of conversation? Or to courting? I don't want to be the one asking all the questions and picking all the dates. I'd like a bit of input, some enthusiasm. I don't think this is unreasonable, but I think my attitude has perhaps been a bit harsh. When I say I have zero patience for this behavior, I mean I have absolutely zero patience. I'll exchange a few emails but if no questions in my direction are forthcoming, or no art of conversation, I'm likely to point out to the person that they aren't doing a very good job. Not surprisingly, this has resulted in a slew of boys not writing back to me. And while I care, I also don't. I don't have the time to train someone how to be interesting! Am I mental? Is this some disastrous by product of gender equality? That men have forgotten how to be engaging? At any rate, I'm not having it. But I can't say that it's improving my mood.

I suppose I could be a bit put off that most people I know are now coupled up whereas it wasn't so long ago when most people I knew were not. This has two negative impacts on my psyche, the first is that I feel more lonely, but the second is that it starts to edge upon those old feelings of defectiveness. I feel left behind, or semi retarded. Because obviously there must be something wrong with me if everyone else is doing it. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is not true, and that is by far an improvement on my previous mentality, I can't say that I've 100% learned how to compensate for still feeling bad about it.

So to sum up. Work life sort of sucks. Social life sort of sucks. Not happy with appearance or body. Kind of in a funk. Yep, that about does it.