Blogus Interputus

I was writing the post that follows two weeks ago. I was formulating something that was important to me, a few things, that had been on my mind. I was in the midst of doing this, when my flatmate came downstairs and had a total blow up at me which has resulted in him giving me one month notice and my needing to find a new flatmate.

This rather took priority at the moment and since. And it's been impossible to get back to the point where I was, with what I wanted to say, because, as with most things blogular, it was an impression of a moment and the moment was lost.

Still, it seems wrong that the post languish in limbo forever, as it belongs here with everything else. It's just that it wasn't finished or complete. And there was more to say at the time, I just didn't get there. And now, because things have moved on, I never will. Still. for the record....

Definitions

I'm going through a strange phase I think. One that I suppose creeps up on everyone from time to time. A sort of weighing and considering of the self. Looking for my definition.

Recently there have been some changes, and some changes are on the way. Personally, I think it is fair to say that things with Heathrow have come to an end. The reality is, is that it has been nearly three months from when things tangibly changed, and it has been a steady decline ever since. We are now at the point where I would simply refer to him as 'someone I know' and perhaps not even a friend. But then friendship, true friendship, is incredibly important to me and not a term I would throw around lightly.

So that's been something of a disappointment. Not because I thought it was forever, but because it didn't end how I thought it would. I guess I figured one of us would find someone else we wanted to be with at some point, not that one of us would grow bored with the other one. That's how I feel from his distance. I don't think he's seeing someone else, though I suppose that's also possible. But I think it's more likely that whatever interested him in me has now passed. And I still think it's related to when things changed way back when. But we're so far away from that point now that it doesn't matter. In fact, the reason behind the actions don't really matter because the end result is that things have changed and now I don't want to be with him in that intimate way. He doesn't inspire me to feel interested, excited, or open to the idea. In fact, just the opposite.

The only nagging issue is that we haven't actually discussed any of this. It's just the current state of affairs. And this for me, will not do. I do not want to pick a fight with him- but for me, I need a degree of closure and for things to be in the open. And I hope that actually, if we discuss the pink elephant in the room, then maybe we can actually just be friends. Like actual friends. Not the acquaintances we are now. But who knows.

This all leads me to a related musing of late in that, I can't work out where kink sits with me anymore. I don't know what I want from it. In some ways it's lost it's appeal. Or maybe I've just become too jaded by all the screwed up people I've met. Tomorrow night I'm going clubbing. I don't know why I'm going clubbing. Ostensibly to hang out with kink people I know. But why? I feel so much that I don't belong there, that every time I see these people, it only heightens for me how much I feel I don't belong as opposed to easing over time. It reminds me of how I felt when I was a teenager and went to university parties. I feel so completely wrong in these environments...

And that was all there was.

Nightly News Rant

Once upon a time I used to get really cross listening to the news. This was when the republicans were coming into power in the States, just coming up to the first baby Bush election. Every single day when the NPR radio alarm went off, I would listen to the news reports and get angrier and angrier at the information being shared with me.

In fact when I moved to this country, it was one of the first things I noticed- how not angry I was all the time about the news, but probably that's because I didn't know much about UK politics or people. That's changed in six years.

Because this is my spouting off place, I'm going to spout off on some current topics in no particular order just to get them off my chest. You have been warned.

1. Roman Polanski
How quickly this has come and gone from the news, yet it still lingers slightly. What really steams me is these celebrity fuckwits who have signed some petition to let him off. I really would like any of them to read the transcript of just what happened to that 13 year old girl and then say that they think skipping country is 'okay'. I don't care if he was going to get a harsher sentence or made an example of- he raped and sodomized a child after drugging her. That's disgusting and despicable, and if he wasn't famous or an 'artist', no one would cut him any slack at all. I'm glad it looks like he's willing to finally head back to the States. And none of this bullshit about 'how his victim wants it dropped'. Yes, she wants it dropped because the fuckwit skipped country and made her hellish situation EVEN WORSE by making her the only person the media could get their grubby little hands on. She wants it all to go away, but it should have all gone away a long time ago. Oh yeah, and back to those stupid celebrities, stick to what you know, and stay out of stuff you don't.

2. Global Warming
Anyone who can't work out that we've seriously fucked with the planet at this point needs a serious slapping. How it's all going to play out is debatable, but it's likely that an awful lot of people are going to die from this tampering. And yes 'warming' is probably the wrong word because it's not just 'warming' it's also 'cooling' and 'turbulent'. But you can't go around saying Global Fuck Up because children are sensitive don't you know. And oh yeah, it's not that the planet will die, of course the planet won't die. The planet has lasted a long time. It's just the living things on it that will die, or at least an awful lot of them will. Remember the dinosaurs? They used to live here, now they don't. Lets stop talking about whether it's real or not and actually start to do something about it. And oh yeah, I don't mean being punitive about it either, I want to see global investment in cleaning up the little mess that everyone made. Okay, maybe you didn't make it, but you sure as fuck can get a broom and help out. Don't want to? Then maybe you should go live on the Maldives for the next oh... 30 years or so. And good luck with that.

3. Letters from the Prime Minister
Yes, I know this one is particularly current but if I hear one more time about this stupid woman who is being manipulated (quite obviously) by the Sun and looking for someone to blame, then I'm likely to go postal myself. Is everyone really so stupid? Like... you get all these people up in arms that the BNP might get to be on Question Time (although a lot of people voted for the BNP, so why they don't get to be on Question Time is beyond me, just because you want to ignore it doesn't mean it's not happening) but the media thinks it's okay to repeat this idiotic slander that the Prime Minister who hand writes a note to this woman may have, god forbid, spelled something wrong! Get over yourselves! And by repeating it, even when it's repeated with commentary in support of the Prime Minister, then every single media outlet is doing just as much harm as the Sun. By the way, how much do you think she's going to sell that letter for in a few years huh? No, I'm not cynical at all....

4. US Health Care Reform
As an American who grew up with mostly private health insurance, I can say, having experienced UK health coverage that I think that I received better medical care and attention in the States. However. I do think it is the obligation of a government to care for all of it's citizens needs. I also recognize that while US health care is better than others I have experienced, I am not at all sure that it is worth how much Americans are forced to pay for it versus people in other countries. Of course if you have money, you will be impacted very little by US health care reform and to deny health care to your fellow citizens is both stupid and misguided. I can't even be glad that something passed in House because it is so far removed from anything reasonable that this all going to go tits up, oh wait, it already has.

4a. Abortion debates in US Health Care Reform
Doesn't belong there and get your petty fucking religious moral views out of my fucking politics. Now.

5. Gay Marriage
Ditto what I said about abortion. Fucktards.

Thank you, and good night.

City Living

Here's another post of processing things that have come up lately from more than one person. If I refer to the previous post of the three legged stool, this is probably the leg that I have had the least trouble with, at least for some time, and that is the concept of 'home'.

I was born into suburbs and I was raised initially in the suburbs. An experience which I think provided me with many good memories and experiences of digging in things and climbing things and growing things, not to mention the safety of the neighbourhood and the gang of kids who lived there (though that's slightly misleading because bad things could and did happen, but generally not the case). But when I was 9 we moved to the city. THE city, New York City. And it was a whole new world.

When people ask me where I'm from I say New York because I think it explains a lot more about how I engage with things and what shaped my world view. I was there as I matured from child to pseudo adult. My friends and I did not roam our neighbourhood but rather Manhattan. We hung out in Central Park, at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in Times Square, in Herald Square, in Soho Square. I can't even begin to name all the nooks and crannies that created the backdrop to my youth. But the reality is, this post isn't about that.

This post is about knowing as an adult where it is you want to live in life. What features of a place do you find the most comforting and desirable? I for one, have always known that I wanted to live in a city. It has never been a particular question in my mind when thinking upon the topic that I would be most happy in an urban environment. I don't need a garden, though I wouldn't mind a roof deck or a good sized balcony. But a square outside my house is almost just as good. Because although I think I could like gardening and sitting outside, it's not really what I want. I want to see people and hear noise and be a part of a hive of activity that I see as a city.

Saying this, I also came to realize over time that I didn't want to necessarily be in the hugest city. There is a certain scale of urbanism I find more attractive than others. I don't prefer Manhattan, I like Brooklyn better. And I like Boston better than New York any day. Which is probably why I like London even though it's a big global city, it's stature does a lot to mask this.

And in knowing this about myself, I can craft what I look for in a home. I'm not really conflicted about wanting a skyline view and a garden for the dog. I understand between those options which I would want more- because even though I can see attractive potential in a variety of scenarios, I know over time which one I would get bored with and which one I wouldn't. And it's not the city.

So I guess it confuses me sometimes when I meet people who swear fervently that they are 'city people' but then suddenly start talking about how they have to have a house and a garden and maybe even a car (or two). Because the thing is, then you aren't really a city person then are you? It's one thing to like the idea of a city and still want a suburban lifestyle and it's another thing entirely to like the idea of a city and embrace what it really means to be a part of it. How do they think the suburbs got invented anyway? But there seems to be such a stigma for someone to just up and admit that they'd rather live in a suburb. Which to my mind, is fair enough, but wouldn't it be better to be honest with yourself then try and make a square peg fit in a round hole?

Cities are expensive and dense. And there are compromises you make for the benefits you enjoy. If you don't enjoy them, then by all means move out. But if you do enjoy them, and you aren't a billionaire, then accept that maybe you don't actually need all those rooms and spaces in your house- not when there's a whole city to get out and explore.

Balance

At some point along my years of discussing life with my friends, someone, not me proposed this analogy of the three legged stool of life. Now, oddly, the purpose of this metaphor was not to suggest that the goal was somehow to get the three legs in balance, but rather to exemplify that it is pretty much impossible to ever get all three legs in balance and this is what gives people drive and motivation to change and work on themselves.

The main caveat being, if you could get two legs of your stool sorted, then you were probably doing okay. But if two or three legs were in disarray then you might find that instead of just being inspired and motivated you were actually depressed and discouraged.

In this particular metaphor, the three legs were as follows:

One was your work or profession, whatever that happened to be, and everything that it entails. Not only doing something that you want to be doing, but doing it where you want to be doing it, and with people that you want to be doing it with. People spend something like 30% of their lives at work, and if you consider that 33% you are sleeping, that means almost half of your waking hours are devoted to this particular past time. It's important for your personal well being to get it under control.

The second leg was your home. Where you live, under what circumstances, and with who. Obviously this also expands into something quite large because where you live starts to have an impact on what sorts of activities you do or don't do and what friends you see or don't see. A home is also not just something that gives back to you, but you must also put a lot of effort into as it will most likely mean a rent or mortgage (or the tolerance of parents and siblings), it requires cleaning and maintenance, and it contains or should contain those things that can give you respite from the world. A place for the physical expression of your inner self, however that needs to be.

The last leg is relationships. Or love. Not necessarily just friendships, though maybe I'm discounting that because I'm referencing myself and it should be included. It has to do with the emotional need to connect to other human beings. Oddly enough, out of all the three legs, this is the one that in many ways you may have the least control over. Because while you must live someplace, and you must be supported financially in some way (being out of work, I suppose, would mean your work leg was in distress), but there is no corresponding necessity related to emotional fulfilment. But it doesn't mean it's less important.

So in a nutshell there are the three legs. And if you go through your friends you will find that it's pretty difficult to find anyone where all three legs are strong and in balance. Usually there is one that is lagging behind the others. And then there are friends where two legs are gone and they may be struggling more, and then there are those with all three out of whack and they are pretty much a mess.

For me the legs have mostly been consistent. It's always my relationship leg that's given me the most trouble, but at times my home has given me trouble, and certainly this past year my work has as well (but was complimented at least by something of a respite in the relationship leg which worked out well). I think I'm back to my standard position, that it's the relationship leg that causes me the most grief. Work has sorted itself out this year, and I love my home and have for some time, so that's all good. And I do my best to work on the relationship leg, I think I've made a bit of progress in the past two years lets say. So that's good. And I am hopeful about opportunities in the future, mainly that I am about to meet a whole bunch of new people and you never know where that could lead. So although it's not where I want it to be by far, it's also not quite so bad a mess as it's been in the past.

The stool isn't really ever supposed to be able to be balanced, but I think I'm pretty okay with where mine is at for now.

Dump

I know, again it's been a while. Not for lack of things to say, or lack of things going on. More time and inclination to be honest. It's not that I have anything exceptional to write about. It's more like... I've been holding off on just decompressing all of the thoughts that mill about my head, mostly having to do with people I engage with in life.

Everyone needs a place to dump.

At the moment it seems to me like very few of my friends are particularly happy, for various reasons- and with more and less degrees and levels of 'of their own making'. It's hard.

Do you know what friends want for their friends more than anything else in the whole world (at least good friends that is, not back stabbing pseudo friends)? They want their friends to be happy. That's what I want. I want the people in my life that I know and care about to be happy. (And as a side note, I want all the jerks and assholes that I know about to suffer karmic retribution, but that's a separate post.)

It's just incredibly frustrating to watch your friends not be happy, particularly and specifically if they are partially or even wholly there, in whatever place they are in, because of something of their own making that they either aren't working on or won't even acknowledge, let alone recognize and then begin to work on. And you just watch them be unhappy and suffer to various degrees and of course there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

It's draining when you hear about all of these miseries and hurts. Not because I'm not sympathetic, or perhaps empathetic would be a more appropriate word, but because I just wish that these issues and cycles and patterns would shake the fuck up and move on already so that my most excellent friends, the people I love and cherish and care about and think are pretty awesome and amazing individuals can just have something more like the lives that they undoubtedly deserve.

It's hard because everyone has their own row to hoe. Has to learn their own lessons. Has to get there on their own. If it were that easy to learn just be hearing or by example, then we'd all be blissful right now. And I've certainly been there. You can't make people learn self truths, you can only be along the ride there for them, as they make their own way.

And I suppose what else is frustrating is that they may not get there at all. Maybe this is how the theory of reincarnation comes from. Maybe one life time really isn't enough to get to all the matters and issues. How sad then to think one shot is all you get. And maybe it makes sense in a spiritual sort of way to think that we work through issues through lifetimes until we do reach a higher place. And that everyone has the potential to get there in the end.

It just may take a long time. Longer than what I can see. So I guess it's not really comforting. There aren't any guarantees in life. You aren't 'owed' or 'promised' true love, a great job, money, health, etc. It doesn't work like that. You get the hand you get, and you have to learn to make the most of it. Be aware of what is within your control- try not to put all your fantasies of happiness in the realm of things you can't control. Be adaptable to change. Be open to new ideas or possibilities. Be willing to walk away and admit you were wrong, if you were. Not that any of these things are even easy, but for gods sake, WORK on it. Because you do really only get the one life that you're aware of. And being miserable or unhappy and repeating patterns and cycles endlessly seems like an incredible fucking waste.

(And if you're my friend, and I care about you, then you know what, you really do deserve to be happy. You do.)