Take Me Riding in the Van

A bit of a ramble before I got get packed for my weekend. Heathrow is supposed to be here around 8ish to pick me up and take me to the far south west. Or at least, I think that's where we're going. My UK geography is abysmal.

I realize that I'm really struggling with aspects of his personality, our interaction, and my history. Currently this is embodied in how plans are made, and the desire for making plans is expressed.

I come with baggage in this area. I've said it more than once already, but I feel the topic deserves yet another post. I have always been predisposed to thinking that things are 'my fault' and that if something doesn't go how I wanted it to go, it had something to do with something I did or didn't do, or could have done differently. This is something I've talked about in therapy- and I recognize that it's an inherently false belief. I don't know how I got it, or where or when it developed. Probably in my childhood, because it's been with me as long as I can remember.

So it's unfortunate that this led me to be involved with someone like Mr.Aloof- who instead of saying he didn't want to see me, said there was something wrong with me for being too needy, too demanding, wanting too much. And of course when he said these things, it resonated with my secret inner voice that hissed, "See, I told you so..." and it was easy for me to accept.

Worse than accept, it reinforced my already bad tendencies into actual behavior. I became worried or afraid of expressing my desire to see someone or be with someone, because I started off thinking it was risky, and then learned over time through outside reinforcement, that it was actually bad.

But now I am not with Mr.Aloof and I am trying to carve a path through what is for me, uncharted territory, and this particular issue is rearing up again and again. First it was in the incident I referenced here. Which turned out not as I expected, but was still difficult for me in the process. Then I talked about it again here, but somehow it's not enough.

The past two weeks have been an exercise in the same. Last week during our regular chatty email exchanges, I had said to Heathrow asking about plans to meet up and he was slow to respond, and when he did, although he agreed it could be cool, didn't express... enthusiasm. This ended up with us not meeting up last weekend, though that didn't bother me necessarily- that we didn't meet up, it set me up for one week of being the one to ask to see him and it not happening.

Then this week came around and he mentioned in our ongoing email exchange that he was thinking he'd go to the club on Saturday night (which had been the starting point for talk of meeting up both the weekend before and this weekend). So I wrote back saying that was cool, but I wanted to see him out of club time too- maybe either the day before, or the day after. Now this was responded to with a positive comment of "I'd like to see you outside of club time too." So this is what I mean when I say that the responses I get from him are not the same as my past. But still....

I don't think I can adequately express how uncomfortable this makes me. I try not to let my discomfort come through, and I haven't said anything to him about it, but I realize it's a severe unpleasantness to feel like I'm putting myself out there like that. Then on Wednesday I laid out what I thought were the options for the weekend, and asked what he wanted to do. I'm sure on some level I made it a complicated issue, though in reality it just had to do with what day to spend together and whether he came here or I went there (and 'there' having two possible outcomes). So okay, maybe that was confusing. But after I sent it on Wednesday, he said something about how he was going to sort out the weekend.

And then I waited.

And waited.

And last night I was feeling pretty tense about the whole thing because I didn't want to say anything else about it. Especially after he said he'd work out what the plan was but it was going to be Friday and the first option for plans started with Friday night, so it was cutting it all a bit close and I felt insecure and anxious and uncomfortable.

So I went to the gym this morning and when I got back and showered I turned on my computer and there was an email from him saying that he didn't want to go to the club but I could come hang out with him for the weekend if I wanted and he could pick me up Friday night and drop me off Sunday.

So that's good right? But part of me still cringes. Where was the 'and I want to see you' element to his writing? But then I have to remind myself, he's a boy. And boys, or at least, a certain brand of boy just don't think like that. I had to lecture myself that he wasn't offering to come all the way to my house in the van to pick me up AND to drop me off just to make me feel better. He wouldn't offer to do those things unless it was something he wanted to do. And also, I had only suggested spending one day of the weekend together and here he'd upped it to the whole weekend.

But it's hard for old habits to die. It's so very hard for me not to still feel insecure. If only it was tempered with reassurance- but then THAT makes me feel needy and horrible. That I need reassurance that someone who just said they want to spend the whole weekend with me needs to reassure me that they really mean it. It's just that the way it was said doesn't negate my own insecurities.

This is going to be a tough nut to crack. I can tell. But I'm hanging in there and working on it. That's all I can say.

(Well that, and I'm really looking forward to the weekend!!! :) )