New Year New Post

One week into the New Year and it's very much like the old year so far. Of course, that was only to be expected. I think what I didn't suspect was how it was going to start with mild confusion of the relationship kind and not the job related kind, although that is prevalent as well.

I spent this past weekend with Heathrow in Cambridge. Even though I've lived here almost six years now, I'd never been to Cambridge. In fact I haven't been to Oxford or Canterbury either for that matter. I guess when I leave London, I really leave London- I go to fun places like Hartlepool and Machynlleth and Plymouth (this will not be funny unless you are British I'm guessing). Anyway, so after the last feast at my place, I met up with Heathrow in Cambridge and we spent the weekend together.

And it was really nice. In terms of my own confusion about 'what we're doing' it all seemed to lurch forward again rather dramatically, but still I have this lingering sense of something not falling into place exactly. See, I don't really know if we're heading for a 'dating' situation or a 'just messing about' situation. I mean obviously, I'm not overly interested in the latter and am desiring the former, I just don't know what page he's on.

And it's the sort of thing where once you ask the question it's all rather deterministic. If it's just for fun and you have 'a talk' then pretty much your fun is done. If it's not just for fun and you have a talk, then you may feel like you interrupted the natural flow of things and are being pushy somehow. Or at least, that's how I feel. I think in reality, it's just not time for the talk yet, but it's impending. It'll have to happen within the next couple or few times we meet because I just can't deal with the current status.

It just sucks really. Because as I start to be more involved with someone, more interested in someone, of course I become more vested in that person. I don't want to find out that he's not really interested in pursuing it further or we aren't going to try to date and have to put every budding thing I'm feeling aside. I really don't want to give up on these things, and I'm unhappy thinking that I'll have to.

Which is silly right? I mean, why am I assuming that I'll have to? But none of it's entirely normal. I guess it's hitting all of my triggers for 'there is no way this is going to work out'. Not that I don't have an interest in it working out, just maybe... I'm not feeling what I need to reciprocally to defer those doubts. Or maybe I'm just a terribly emotionally needy person who needs lots of reassurances and I have an innate ability to destroy everything put in front of me with over worrying it.

I've been talking about some of these things with my shrink (well, before the holiday break of shrinkage). Mainly that I feel that in relationships, the burden of everything rests on me. If I'm not good enough, if I'm not likable enough, if I don't do or say the right things then I dictate the entire course of the potential relationship. Which is really narcissistic and stupid when you sit back and examine it logically. But it still tends to be how I feel. That if I don't get what I want, it's somehow my fault. That I am not good enough. That I could have done or been better. Not that the other person has free will and faults, oh no, of course not.

Or of course they do, I mean, I could list the faults of Mr.Aloof for you and it would take an entire new entry and then some. But I feel somehow it's my fault for not being able to adapt to or bridge his faults. I make it about me. I make it my fault. It's really difficult for me not to do this in fact.

So all I want to do is figure out when I can curl up naked with my new cute warm body and some rope and I fret that actually, that may never happen again. We'll see. I'm sure I'll come back to this.

In other news, this Friday is my photo shoot that I think I've alluded to before. I need to get over to the salon today to get neatly waxed in preparation, and I should go to the gym, though that seems unlikely. This photoshoot, it should be interesting. I will have full anonymity and veto power over images I don't like. I've had such a long hate filled relationship with my body, and certainly with my sexuality or sensuality, that I am intrigued to somehow mark this time in my life before it too is gone. I mean, I wish that I had the confidence or the freedom to have loved my body all this time. Even now, it's not that I love my body, far from it. But I'm far more comfortable in my skin than I ever was when I was younger. I'd like to capture that. I'd like to see me in a way that I can't see myself- through someone elses eyes and lens. I'd like something that manages to mark this moment in time when I have explored and I have done things and I have accepted certain things and I want to be able to embrace it- if not now, then later, when I will look back on these images perhaps and wonder what it ever was that I so disliked about myself. I think it should be a lot of fun actually. And there's rope involved. I mean really, how can that be bad?

And on the job front, there is nothing really. There's a job through CABE that I can apply for and I guess I should though it would mean a 30% pay cut practically. It's just that a job is a job is a job and it wouldn't be a bad job necessarily, though it really isn't the best match for me I don't think. But I should apply. I probably won't get it, but at least I can say that I tried. I'm still hoping for other opportunities to open up. So far nothing, but it's still early. We'll have to see. This month is it for me. At the end of this month if there's no architecture work, I'm going out for secretarial and data entry. No more sitting at home spending my savings. I can't justify it. I need to work. I need to support myself. I need an income.

Last, seeing as how I'm still working on how to print this puppy out, I've decided to reinstate the image per post format that I used to have oh so long ago. I like the images. I think they add something to my thought process as I only choose images that bear some relevance to what I'm saying either literally or obscurely. So seeing as how this post would be the first post of a new book (I've decided to put them together by year), then it seems appropriate to start it off right.