Stuff in the Air

It's been a while since I've felt this way. There seem to be a number of things up in the air just now. Funny how it can sneak up on you all of the sudden just like that.

The first thing, which is somewhat independent of anything else is that I am in the process of applying for a job in Dublin. I don't really want a job in Dublin. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to put off my ability to get citizenship (I basically have to stay in residence for the final year of my citizenship application, and I honestly don't know how a majority absence for any of the required five years will affect it frankly). I don't want to leave my friends and comfort. I don't want to start over.

However. It's a potentially very good job. It's only an hour's flight from City Airport so I could come back easily enough. And there aren't any other jobs at all being advertised really. So I'm applying and will hold off on thinking any more seriously about it than that until I have to.

My nipples are ridiculously sensitive today after yesterdays abuse. Ridiculous I tell you!! Like everything that brushes past them sends a total shockwave through my system. Or the cold weather and my natural response, that's not so great either, and I should point out, it's very cold. Of course, twisted girl that I am, I rather like the situation, so I'm not really complaining, I'm sort of gloating. Go figure.

But it raises an interesting problem, and a situation that I am going to need to start thinking about or rather, sorting out, probably sooner over later. The other couple have asked to see me on Tuesday. Now, I am free on Tuesday and could go see them except the bruises on my breasts won't be gone (though I expect my nipples to be back to normal at least). Still, I think it's rather bad form to show up with bruises (photoshoots not withstanding, though if I'd been aware of the potential I would never have shown up with bruises to a photoshoot, even if they were appreciated...) when you are visiting one person that came from another. Or at least I think it's rather bad form. So I really don't think I can see the other couple on Tuesday with my body in its current state.

But then, even if the bruises are gone, there is the potential that the other couple would leave me with new bruises when I am going to try to arrange to see Heathrow next weekend which means I certainly can't have bruises from someone else if I'm going to meet up with Heathrow, in part because we haven't really gotten to the point of discussing my extra curricular activities. I don't really see the need until our conversation turns to what the hell we're doing, but I don't get the impression it would make things any better, so I'd prefer not to go down that route and keep these particular cards closer to my chest (which makes me want to make a joke about nipples, but I'll refrain).

So while I have these two potentials on the table, my thoughts also stray to the photographer who literally lives about three blocks from me. When he left, we vaguely suggested that such a thing (the fun, not necessarily the photos) could be repeated. And how can I not have that on my mind with every brush of fabric or gust of cold air?

Although in truth.... it's Heathrow I've set my sights on. The other couple and the photographer are very very fun, but neither is a long term potential in the sense of being able to give me most of what I need or desire, though both offer certain things that I really do desire, which somewhat complicates matters. But it has only been with Heathrow so far, in our intimate moments that I have actually felt something like the potential to really let myself go and fall for him. A type of synchronicity I haven't felt... in a long time.

Which is why I'm guarding myself so very closely. Because I don't know what is going on exactly. I do know that I could really like him a lot though. And I'm keeping myself from doing so, but the potential is there. Which means every decision I am currently making prioritizes that over everything else, even though it's pretty far away from being anything even close to a certainty (and has a much higher chance of being a dud).

And all of this muddled confusion sort of makes me want to seek out those forms of happy oblivion that would otherwise occupy my time, but because of all the above mentioned reasons are impossible. Quite the conundrum.

Did I mention I'm applying for a job in freaking Dublin?