Hard to Work

I hate working from home. Really. My home is a place for home things- for comfort, for sanctuary, for relaxation, for peace. Work doesn't really have a place in my home. I fidget. I procrastinate. I get distracted. Not that this doesn't happen when I'm sitting in an office, it's just that the percentage of opportunity is less (though probably not the percentage of desire).

I should have been working on this model all week, but I really just started late yesterday and have been getting into it today. I'm three days behind basically. I'm going to be staying up late working away on it and I'm actually afraid that what I really need to do is go back to Guys Hospital to take more photos of the space because I don't think I have enough information and I don't have any internal elevations of the space I'm modeling.

Meanwhile, I'm far more distracted by my social life than to particularly care much about my horrific work situation. Both of my parents in the past couple of days have offered me assistance should I need it- which is wonderful. I am appreciative to have a family that I can look to for support in these dire times. But as I told both of them, I'm at least four months away from any sort of critical decision making, and I really hope that in four months things are different. I can't see how I can be in the same situation in four months time, but I suppose one should never say never. Still, I'll just go sign up for some sort of secretarial contract- provided I can get one. Or fuck it, I'll go work at McDonald's. Anywhere. I don't care. If it comes to that level of disaster, there are still options.

I find Heathrow is becoming a distraction. But how can he not be? How can I have a weekend like that and not be thinking about it? Of course what I want to know is when we might be meeting up again. It's not that I think it won't happen, it's just that I want something to be looking forward to. I'm eager.

The thing is, aside from Heathrow seeing us as friends (though very good friends), I'm not sure he's a scheduler. Or if he is, I'm not entirely sure I've rated yet into his priorities. Or it's also possible he's shy (well, he is a bit). So I find I am in a position of pushing. Not in a bad way, but it's really hard for me to be the one making suggestions because I tend to take rejection so badly. Which usually means that I avoid it all together. When someone else invites you along, then it's clear they want to see you right? But I think in this case I'm being a bit silly. If I search my knowledge, I know that Heathrow likes me and wants to see me, so I should not be worried about making suggestions. If he's busy, he's busy- it's not like he's suddenly going to stop liking me because I suggest we meet up.

And yet that's precisely how I feel. Like somehow by making suggestions I come across as pushy or demanding and that he will then work out that actually he doesn't like me very much. This is what makes it a difficult thing for me to do. But I'm doing it, as uncomfortable as it makes me, because I think I should, and part of me thinks I'm being ridiculous for how it makes me feel, though I can't quite stop feeling that way just because I think it's silly. I'm pushing myself actually. To try and be more responsible and proactive. To be different. To not let myself hold me back. Is this all from therapy or is it just the right time because I've had enough of being shit on in past relationships? I'm not sure.

But I'm glad I'm doing it, even if I don't really feel comfortable doing it. It makes me feel like I've grown or learned something somehow. And it's not the end of the world to put yourself out there.