Naughty Pictures

Although I am exhausted and want to go to bed, like, right now, I am going to sit here and write about the events of today before I start to forget them. I really didn't know what to expect. In fact, I didn't expect anything in particular except that I would get tied up and have my photo taken (repeatedly). I know that the photographer (who I shall keep nameless for the time being for various reasons) is 'on the scene' or at least was 'on the scene' and so is more than just a photographer who likes to tie people up with rope. I went into it expecting nothing but what was agreed and predetermined. However, that isn't exactly how things turned out...

A few days before the shoot, I received an email questionnaire asking me about the shoot which I answered. I think it's useful in the remarking of what happened, even though it's not 'the good stuff' as it were, it's a good starting point for my commentary and reflections. It went as follows:

1.What attracted you to participate in this project?
I have an interest in erotic photography, and erotic art, as you sort of know from my involvement in reviewing it for the art of love website. But even before that, I've been a nerve.com subscriber for ages and I've always been attracted to the photo bloggers. One in particular, Siege (aka Clatyon Cubitt) once put out a call for models and I answered it because he did these really detailed close ups of genitalia and I thought that seemed cool (and anonymous enough) and the idea enticed me. Well, I contacted him and we agreed it, but since he's in NY and I'm in London the timing was limited and it just didn't work out in the small window we had. So I sort of let that go, but the idea, or interest didn't go. Because I've also been on IC for a while, I knew who you were, followed the posts of the last project, etc. It's a bit more.. exposed than what I had envisioned with Siege, but as long as I can retain my anonymity, the idea still just really intrigues me.

I think really because I probably (like a gazillion other women) don't have the best view of my own body or sensuality or visual sexuality. However, I'm smart enough to understand that it's more in my head than something that everyone else sees (again, not at all unique to me) so I guess I'm sort of intrigued to see myself through someone else's eyes. How they see me or can see me. Or even if they can show me myself in a way that I haven't seen myself before.

I also think on some level... I'm not getting any younger and I've wasted a lot of time in my life not liking my body or the way that I look. But how will I feel in ten more years or twenty or thirty? I'd rather try to get some sort of snapshot of myself now, sort of like as a benchmark. To be able to really see myself in this moment now, and even in the future. So as somehow not to lose it.

Oh, and of course, I really like rope. There is a purely curiosity based interest in experiencing how other people tie. I'm fascinated not only by how I feel by being tied, but how the experience is for the other person. I think there's an interesting spectrum of how people approach it, and in general, I find people sort of fascinating.

2.What are you hoping to experience and get from your photoshoot?
Oh... wait, I think I sort of answered that above. To a degree. I really am interested in somehow being able to have this marker of a moment in time, a moment in my life, a moment in my freedom and explorations and even on some levels, for everything I said about discomfort, a comfort with myself that has developed despite everything else. And of course, I think it will not only be really interesting, because the subject matter but also the act of capturing it interests me, but I also think it should be fun.

3.Is there anything you are nervous about? and any aspect you are particularly excited about?
I don't think I'm really nervous about anything except I suppose if it all went horribly and there were no good photos and I was ugly and unphotogenic and my worst thoughts in life would be realized except I think the likelihood of that happening is slim so it's more a subtle undertone to my own thought process and less a serious worry. I'm excited because it's new and different and a bit out there for me in some ways. I like to experience new things, and this would be a new thing. I can't say I can pick out one specific aspect that outweighs the others- it's sort of lumping together.

4.Is there any aspect of bondage you are particularly interested in trying?
I always find this a tricky question because I always want to say something I haven't tried or seen before but that would negate my knowing what it was or how to describe it. I've experienced various forms and types of bondage for various lengths of time and I really generally have liked them all unless something was going numb or falling asleep (other discomforts have provided pleasant side notes to particularly challenging scenarios). I don't think I've ever actually been tied in a full body tie- usually torso and legs have been separate... I haven't done much by way of decorative bondage 'with props' which could be interesting. I think that's interesting because it lends itself to an artistic medium but is often less useful in an interactive situation. I like bondage as a way of presenting a person for use but I also like bondage as a way of displaying a person as an object. I'm just as drawn to simple and effective bondage as I am to elaborate and decorative bondage. I'm a glutton. I like it all.

5.Is there any aspect of bondage that you particularly fear or dislike?
Not that I've experienced to date. I can be drawn to more challenging forms of bondage and I don't really freak out or get claustrophobic. I wouldn't let anyone restrict me severely unless I trusted them to do so responsibly, and once I trusted them, it eliminates most of the reasons for fear. I find bondage extremely... mentally relaxing actually. Once you give up, you just... give in and give up and process whatever you're going through. But choice and options no longer exist, so fear doesn't really exist. I think in all honesty, I really only dislike things I think I fail at.

6.Is there a part of yourself or your personality that you want to show, exaggerate or even hide?
I don't tend to associate my personality with my physicality. I never think of who I am, and my body, in the same sort of thoughts. Because of this, I'm not convinced that my personality shows without words or expression. Although saying that (and thinking through it) I recognize that expression is entirely capturable. I don't know. I can be sort of smirky. I get by in life trying to find humor in a lot of things. I can have a very twisted or off color sense of humor. But even if these things were shown or exaggerated, would it represent me? These tend to be surface things anyway. The more closer someone moves towards the core of who I am, the more shy or quiet I tend to become. This is not more or less who I am, it's just a different side. Maybe part of me thinks that no matter what is shown or hidden, it can only be a piece of the overall puzzle anyway. It's funny, in the thinking through of this, it occurs to me that what would be interesting would be to see myself as a sexual and/or sensual person. But mostly because while I believe that's part of my personality, in some ways it would be the last thing that would occur to me, and yet... will be the first thing other people would consider given the nature of the shoot. And interesting only because as I said before, I don't really tend to think of myself that way.

...

So that was what was sent a couple of days in advance.

I slept poorly last night, probably in a bit of anticipation and nerves. I hadn't really noticed any nerves leading up to it, but I know my sleeping was fitful. When I eventually got up, I showered and shaved and moisturized and finger twisted my hair and generally made sure that I would be as good as I could be, under the circumstances, naked. I threw on my robe over my nakedness because I also know that my skin tends to take imprints of anything against it, and I figured that would be less desirable. And I waited.

He came a bit early (texted first to make sure it was okay) and was a bit tired. I made some tea. We sat and chatted for a bit. He must be more used to it- this transition of just meeting someone to handling their nakedness. I'm fairly practical about such situations meaning I have a tendency to distance myself emotionally from it which allows me to just get on with what I intend without the burden of freaking out. He set up his light and stand and was intrigued by my ikea dining chairs and decided that it would be a good place to start, so he put one in the center of the lounge, and asked me to sit on it reversed, nude. And so it began.

The first thing I felt I had to mention was that I had some very yellow marks on my breasts from last weekend spent with Heathrow that hadn't faded. He was very amused by this, and made me blush by saying they looked good on me though. I was very much 'in my head' to start with. After all, here is pretty much a complete stranger tying me up. To my dining chair. Which, I should add, I've always thought would be a very good use for these chairs but never had an opportunity to try it. He started with my ankles and legs to the legs of the chair, then wrists to thigh and up the arms into a body harness and at various points reattaching to the holes in the chair. There was quite a bit of work going on in the back, which I couldn't see, and then he had me lean and stretch forward so my (bound) breasts were basically over the edge of the chair and then secured me into that position.

It wasn't overly uncomfortable though it was a more strenuous bondage tie. It was also challenging because my feet don't tend to sit flat on the floor when I sit in chairs, so this added strain to my legs and thighs, not to be able to alleviate some of the pressure. But it was okay really and I was feeling it nicely. Then he asked if I was averse to any decorations, and if my breasts were particularly sensitive.

Let's call this turning point 1. I could have backed out, or kept it straight (well, to the pre agreed level), but why? I like a challenge. I like attention. And I also like to please. So if someone has me all trussed up to a chair and seems like they really want to put some nipple clamps on me, I say why not? And so he did. Clover clamps. And they hurt, of course, but added to the excitement and thrill of what I was doing. I mean, I have my own pair, so it's not like they were new to me- what was new to me however, was how when placed on bound or to put it another way 'tensioned' breasts, they have a tendency to start slipping off and THAT hurts let me tell you. And the lovely sadistic photographer took great joy in reapplying them to my increasingly sensitive nipples. But really, I have to note that this was the first step over the line of purely photographer and model and all I knew was I didn't mind one bit.

After he shot what he wanted from this particular tie and had had enough fun torturing my breasts, he untied me and began a second tie on the chair. This was more simple in the sense that it was almost more about the chair than me, though my arms ended up restrained on top of the chair to the woven in rope work, no other part of me was restrained. That was pretty cool and I've seen one of the photos from that now and it is definitely cool. Hooray!

Now, at some point here, I think we were talking as all this was going on and he said something... and I said something a bit snarky back (who me?) which got me a raised eyebrow and a malicious metal clip on my nipple. It's been a while, I forgot how one shouldn't tease a dominant within manipulation distance. But perhaps this moment was turning point 2. Because it was outside of the realm of the shot now and building on a dynamic growing between us and our interaction during the shoot. Again, I feel it important to note here (and probably again) that at any point I felt I could have halted any of these upping of the stakes. I not only allowed these things to happen but was an active participant. But in my telling, and of course in my attraction to such situations, I like to feel as though this is not the case. However, it's important I think to state clearly that I felt in total control. I just chose to give some of it up.

The next tie involved me in my robe, tied over with the robe pulled asunder. Then I was lowered to the ground and the tie continued and included my legs hooked backwards and asymmetrically to the body harness that was constructed. By now, my nipples were quite sensitive so anything brushing on them was sending me back pleasant little stimulations and there was rope pulled between my legs (though over the robe) that was nicely adding to the sensations. More photos and manipulations and teasing and it was all being untied. I stayed on the floor though and the chair was placed strategically over me so that a hanger (like literally, a skirt hanger, though a nice one) was tied to the chair and then attached to my nipples. That made me giggle. It wasn't as painful as the clover clamps or little metal clip, well, until he pulled it off of course. But I was amused looking at the underside of my chair, thinking how funny and absurd yet ridiculous fun all of this was.

And I'm pretty sure that was it for the downstairs. We moved everything (though not the chair) upstairs after that to my bedroom. At some point along the way I had suggested that to preserve anonymity, I would be fine if he wanted to use my hood. So here, the hood got busted out. After some more chatting and moving some piles of crap out of the way, he had me lie on the carpet. This was mostly challenging because the carpet felt like a million cat tongues rasping at my nipples which made me laugh which made him ask what was so funny which made me tell him which made him proceed to drag me around on the carpet a bit by the new rope in place which probably made me laugh more. I think this tie was sort of like a modified hog tie and there were photos taken, then it was untied and the next tie was begun.

At some point in my bedroom I commented on how I don't have a curtain on one of my windows and how no one ever looks up to see anything anyway so with the hood on, he maneuvered me to be right in the window while he proceeded to tie. I could hear everything on the street, and there was that slight uneasiness, except I know for a fact no one ever looks up, so it wasn't exactly a real concern, but it was fun to think it might have been. Then I was down on my knees, leaning back against my bed (which is tall by UK standards and normal by American standards- so basically the edge of it, with me kneeling was pretty much at back of lower head level) and he began a sort of rope corset.

Now, there are basically three ways to be on your knees. Knees together, ankles together (sitting on heels), knees apart, ankles together (sitting on heels), and knees together ankles apart (sitting on floor). Turning point 3 had to be that my kneeling position was knees apart ankles together and his position was to be situated between my knees so I could not pull them in. It had definitely become more intimate and close and now, not only was there the occasional tweak or play or clamp on my nipples, but new rustling or nudging happening between the legs. And all the while the rope was looping and cinching in a most delightful fashion.

As much as I would have liked to stay in this position and see what happened, I did push past a boundary of my own I probably should have not, because my legs basically fell asleep after some time. Instead of saying something when I should, I waited and then I really really had to say something which required him to haul me up by the harness (which is it's own special sort of challenge) to standing, except I honestly couldn't feel my feet. I put them under me like I knew they should be, but at first I felt nothing. Then I felt like I had large club boxes instead of feet. And basically... with the blood rushing back, and me trying to stand, I had a drain of blood to my head. I felt extremely dizzy and ill and felt a rising panic. Assessed (in probably what was milliseconds) that it wasn't okay and I needed to be unhooded and probably untied and said so, so that's exactly what happened except of course, I felt I failed. And I hate to feel that I fail another person. I was disappointed to have interrupted what was becoming a fairly hot interaction and also to have the corset undone when it had only really just been put on.

Although I think some shots were taken before this happened, so it wasn't completely a loss. Still, I really just hate that sort of failure. I take it as a personal slight- that I couldn't succeed. Which funny enough, I had said right up there in my pre shoot questionnaire. He was cool with it, and I didn't make a big deal out of it, but my pride stung pretty badly at that point as we both lay on my bed and equilibrium returned.

Which led to the final turning point of the day. Because the shoot was for the most part, complete. I could tell. But there had been the small interruption and the teasing and toying throughout the day. So after making absolutely sure that I was okay and not dizzy and could feel all of my appendages he said to me, "So, if you could have whatever you wanted in the next hour, what would it be?".

What a difficult question that was for me! It isn't how I work. It isn't how I think. Even if I can make myself think of what I might want I negate it almost immediately if I can even let myself think of things at all. I know it's something I'm trying to work on, but this was a more intense situation. It was an offer- obviously. But what if I was wrong? What if I was misreading or misunderstanding? If I hate failing someone the next thing on the list of things I hate is being wrong. And probably just after that is being rejected. So this was fraught with danger for me, and I responded accordingly. Which only made him calmly say that if I hadn't answered by the time he'd sent a text out, he was going to start hurting me....

Some short time later after I managed to squeak out that it's impossible to answer anything coherently when distracted by intense pain, I did manage to formulate an answer of sorts that was both specific and vague and non-comittal all at once. I have skills I tell you, skills. But somehow through my jumble of words and the exchange, we had agreed something. So I took a short break to get us some beverages (and cookies) and came back up, and after a pause, we were off again. But this time... the focus was not the camera.

And it all got rapidly quite naughty. I think he's the first person who has ever had a good look through my toy drawer(s). He made use of a number of implements he found. He tied me and alternately tortured me and soothed me and tortured me some more. I giggled and yelped and squirmed and screeched along.

Although I know I'm frequently graphic, I find I'm reluctant to be 100% openly graphic here. We didn't have sex, though there was penetration through toys. I didn't come, but I was mighty turned on. And he didn't come, as far as I know (I was blindfolded for a good chunk of this time but I don't think so). I think it was all slightly surreal for me because I didn't really anticipate that it was going to happen. I wasn't upset (and would even say I was sort of thrilled) that it happened, but seriously, not what I anticipated at all.

Grinning in the aftermath and resting I said that if all of his shoots were like this, I hardly felt bad for the amount of free time it was taking (he does this personal project work in between his regular work) to which he responded that what happened with us is not something that happens with any degree of regularity, in fact, just a couple of the subjects at most. And he said I was fun. And I was secretly quite thrilled with that and I blushed.

And slowly we composed ourselves and got things sorted and together and it was time for him to leave.

I've now seen two of the photos from the shoot and they're both pretty cool. I'll get copies of the final set and I'm really looking forward to them. Leaving aside the additional bonus of the day going not at all how I thought it would, the original intention still holds true. I did something I sort of always wanted to do. I'm really thrilled that I did it. And the other stuff that happened, well, that was sort of thrilling too.

Right. Now I'm off to bed. There's some sleep and some unfinished business I certainly need to attend to.