Sleuthing Distraction

I wonder if it's the weather. The sun has come out, it has warmed a bit, the clocks have changed. In about two weeks time I go to the States. In the meantime, my world seems to have exploded with activity the way the world wakes from winter slumber. Except there is no rhyme or reason for all of these things to intersect.

So instead of tackling my obligations in a focused and systematic manner, instead I allow myself to indulge in my comfortable patterns, and I procrastinate. The Internet is my primary procrastination tool. It offers no end of interesting tidbits and gizmo's to keep me occupied. When I can't find anything new I find that I cycle through the same pattern of sites looking for a change like a record with a scratch. Repeat repeat repeat.

I'm not saying this with judgement. It's just how it is. Most of the time I accept it is how I am. I don't particularly like it. I find it wasteful and frustrating to be honest. But I am older and resigned and I can fight the tide as much as I can change my person. At least I recognize it.

But this is not about that. Because I was bored and avoiding my work and had finished my regular Internet haunts and was not interested in the cycle of checking I needed something else to do. Something that would hold my interest for the moment. So I sleuthed. I have not done this for a while. Well, not really. I suppose there are people I check up on with some degree of regularity. I don't think of it as sleuthing much. But I just indulged in some proper sleuthing and as is usually the case when such actions are fruitful, I have found something interesting.

I decided to see if I could track down my first ever boyfriend. He has a rather common name, though not as common as some, enough to be a problem in respect to simple searches. We met when we were both at University, albeit in different Universities in different states by a computer. Oh the early days of green screens and chat rooms! At any rate, we met in person a few times. But like most early loves it did not last. We were out of touch for a while and then he contacted me. He had moved to an area not so far from where I was then living. We met up twice I think. I don't remember much from that time. I was living with someone I was not dating but was in love with. My life was soon to turn upside down and inside out. My meeting with my first love again is just a smudge on an otherwise overwhelming image of my past.

And so we lost touch again. I remember trying to get a message to him. Trying to track him down and being rebuffed. That was it. I moved again, and again. It's probably been about ten years now. Possibly more. I think I've looked him up occasionally without much luck. I haven't done it for at least a year, probably longer. But I decided to give it a go. And I found him. I found his LinkedIn and his Facebook. He works for Time Warner, he lives in North Carolina now. I wouldn't have recognized him had we passed on the street. I wouldn't have recognized him if we were sat facing each other at a table. Funny huh? But I knew him as a skinny young man. And most men fill out by the time they hit 30. Not that he's big, he's just... unrecognizable to me.

Strange I suppose. Why did I decide to look him up now? Not sure. I suppose that dating is on my mind. I have not one, not two, but three dates in the next seven days. None of which were initiated by me, all of which are with different guys. Like I said, I think there is something in the weather or maybe it's the water, or perhaps it's a bit of both. Thinking about meeting new people. Tempering my expectation. Thinking about the past. Yes, this is how it must have led me to the path. Subconscious to be sure.

I am someone who likes knowledge. I like answers. The Internet is possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me. It allows me to pursue whims and follies. It's too easy. I think sometimes I need better boundaries and limits. Maybe then I would be more focused. It's probably not true though. I would probably just then watch an awful lot of television.

I didn't have a big purpose in writing this here, I just wanted to note it in passing. I suppose somehow it means something to me, I just really couldn't tell you what.

Marching Through March

So things are a bit better than they were. I had a few major deadlines pass, and having met them, a large chunk of work that was stressing me out has finished. There is still a lot more to do and the pressure isn't entirely off, but I'm feeling a bit better about things.

Yesterday I received my first 'blog book' made using Blurb. It took me a while to put 2005 together and the final book was around 240 pages. But I can't speak highly enough about the quality and printing. I was so impressed- it came and was even better than I thought it was going to be. It's inspired me to start on 2006 immediately. It makes me so happy to be able to have all of my blog writing in one place.

In fact I'm so impressed with this that my new plan is to make a cook-book out of the vegetarian dishes published by Ottolenghi in the Guardian. I've started grabbing the recipes already. Some of them are the same that are in the cookbooks but most of them are different. I think this would make a great gift for H and also S and perhaps T. The only problem is that unless I make each dish myself, I'm not going to have the right photos to go with each recipe. So I'll have to think about this. I have a couple of ideas but I'm not sure.

In an hours time I'm going to meet up with C to get some weed. I'm almost out of brownies so I think I'm going to make another batch. They're much better than smoking and obviously last a long time. I also got some for G so I can give that to him the next time I see him, with an ever so slight mark-up to reduce my purchase a bit. Win win!

I've booked tickets to the states for April for 3 weeks so that will be nice. I need to do some shopping while I'm there so will need to be incredibly strict about this one suitcase thing. I'm tempted to go buy one larger suitcase seeing as I hate the one I have currently anyway. I don't know. I'll think about it. I think what I'll do is travel with minimal clothes, buy some clothes and wear them there which means I'll need to go shopping quickly. But that's hardly a burden. I guess every 2 years I need to get jeans. It takes me that long to wear through them. I don't think I got jeans last year, but it's hard to remember, maybe I did?

In other news, life is mostly work related and not very social in the sense that 2011 appears to be a no-boy sort of year. I did mess about with the other couple that one time, but I'm not even counting that. On the plus side, my every other week movie and date night with T has worked brilliantly. Two for one pizza in Cambridge on Mondays provides a good reason for socializing with different people. And I try to fit in seeing other people as well. On Thursday I had really lovely evening with Ms.Woo in Islington. These things make me happy. Regular sex and a boyfriend would also make me happy, but at least these sorts of activities I can arrange on my own.

I realize this entry has been a bit nonsensical. My mind is just working that way at the moment. I'm sure I'll have more important and significant things to say some other time.

Struggling

I'd like to write something happy and exciting but I'm afraid I can't. The funk is still with me. I feel lost a bit. Adrift. Somewhat isolated. I am also feeling old. On the one hand I like what I'm doing with my life just now, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. That I'm not where I should be at this point in my life.

It's a repetitive lament. On the work front I continue to feel like I'm not getting my own stuff done. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel that I'm falling behind. I feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like I won't be able to do what I need to do.

On the positive side on the work front I had one of the girl's in the center tell me that me and this other guy M are considered the smartest ones out of the group and that she says people speak quite highly of my intellect when I'm not around. So that made me feel good.

But my view of my own work is currently not good.

And then there's the relationships. Or lack of relationships. In fact, no relationships. And feeling old again, and that I'm just not going to get those chances. I won't even have the choice you see. No choice. I'm getting old, and the window is passing by. I might yet meet someone one day, but I am probably never going to have a family. That makes me a bit sad. For the record, I think I would have made an awesome parent.

The commute is still really getting to me. I don't feel like I exist in any place. Instead of feeling that I'm half in Cambridge and half in London what I feel like is that I'm not in Cambridge and I'm not in London. I'm not anywhere. This is the adrift bit. There's nothing to hold me. It doesn't really matter. I show up here, I show up there. I just appear, and disappear.

I'm frustrated with lack of funding. I'm frustrated with my house. I feel like I don't live in a particularly grown up house. I want to get my shit together. I want to fix my lounge wall and get a gas fire put in and proper shelves. I want to fix the bathroom. Of course I can't afford any of this just now. Or rather, I could blow my savings on doing this but that would not be a particularly clever idea. I just feel stalled although I know I'm not really stalled. I know I'm doing this cool thing. I know that my friend X has been out of work now for some time and that I could just as easily not be doing the PhD and not be doing anything at all. I am doing exactly what I should be doing and I am kind of damn lucky to be doing it.

It just doesn't feel that way in the day to day grind of it. Sometimes.

To try and be positive about something else though, the other blog venture is going really well. I'm pleased about that. It's providing a good outlet for some additional writing and professional thought muscle flexing.

I'm also happy that I seem to do well in my classes that I'm taking and sitting in on in Land Economy. I have to take the one class for credit and the other two I'm sitting in on because they seemed really interesting. And they are extremely interesting, but I also already know a lot of the stuff they're saying and I've made some comments in class that have been well received. So that also made me feel good.

Huh. I feel good when people recognize I'm smart. I'm seeing a trend. Well. What the fuck else do I have going on? It's not like I'm getting any other kudos at the moment for say, being exceptionally pretty, or well dressed, or kind. I guess I have to settle for what I can get.

Other positive thinking is that the past two weeks I've gone to the gym 3 out of the 4 days I've been in London. That's been good. And I've done sit-ups whilst in Cambridge which is good. I'm still feeling tremendously out of shape and it's probably going to be another week or two before I can ratchet up the regimen to some more serious toning and burning, but I'm happy to find that I have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. And I do enjoy it when I'm there. Maybe me and the gym just need to go in cycles and I'm on an up cycle. Whatever it is I'm not going to complain about that particular one.

Not much else to report. Everyone seems to have worse problems than I do. On top of all of this whinging I feel like I'm making something out of nothing. Not when I don't really have anything particularly serious going on.

Oh, I met up with the other couple and there was some hanky panky going on. I'm not sure I want to get into that just now. Suffice to say, casual just isn't really doing it for me at the moment. Or maybe it was because it was only with him and not also with her. But no, really, I don't want to fuck around just now, I either want someone who wants to be with me or maybe I just don't want anything for a bit. It's not satisfying. At least, not just at the moment. I felt similarly at the rope workshop. I tied up H in a couple of pretty good ties which was nice. But then this guy K tied me up and that was cool and all but I couldn't be in the right head space for it to enjoy it the way I would like to either. I think when it comes to me and relationships or intimacy at the moment I'm feeling incredibly selfish. I want it to be the real deal or I don't want anything to do with it. Of course, that doesn't actually match up to my behavior, but I know how I feel, even if I choose to pursue other avenues.

Funk

As in, I'm in one. It's been going on for at least a few days now. My life seems busy but aimless. I think this is the majority of the reason, although lack of any interesting relationship status also isn't helping. But actually, I think it has more to do with my workload. I'm very cranky about it at the moment. I'm annoyed at having things piled on me and not being able to pursue what I want to be pursuing. And every time I get a chance to do a little bit of my own work, I feel like I haven't done enough, that there's loads more to do, and no time to do it in. It's frustrating and difficult and I just find that I'm in a particularly grouchy mood.

Of course there could be relationship factors in this as well. I've been distinctly unhappy with my weight and appearance. I have not shifted the weight I gained since going to Italy, and even before that I'd only just managed to get it back into the 'acceptable high' zone. I'm now still five pounds over that and fuming about it. So I've rejoined my gym. I had a slow start the week before and didn't go, but this past week I went Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Now that I'm in Cambridge I obviously can't go, but I did do sit-ups this morning. I think I can be good about going at least three out of the four days I'm in London, although ideally I'll go all four days. It is hard though, I'm not going to lie to myself about it. I managed to go this past week, but I think I just need to take it a week at a time and see how it goes.

Just a bit ago I got an email from the jackrabbit who is back from Columbia. I suggested we meet up for a drink a week ago and he just replied to say yes but felt the need to emphasize 'as friends'. Which is fine of course, and not that far off from what I expected (and also why I suggested just to meet for drinks) but it still isn't very nice, is it? No.

I think I'm in a terrible mood when it comes to boys and dating at the moment. I find I have zero patience for boys who don't appear to put in any effort. What happened to the art of conversation? Or to courting? I don't want to be the one asking all the questions and picking all the dates. I'd like a bit of input, some enthusiasm. I don't think this is unreasonable, but I think my attitude has perhaps been a bit harsh. When I say I have zero patience for this behavior, I mean I have absolutely zero patience. I'll exchange a few emails but if no questions in my direction are forthcoming, or no art of conversation, I'm likely to point out to the person that they aren't doing a very good job. Not surprisingly, this has resulted in a slew of boys not writing back to me. And while I care, I also don't. I don't have the time to train someone how to be interesting! Am I mental? Is this some disastrous by product of gender equality? That men have forgotten how to be engaging? At any rate, I'm not having it. But I can't say that it's improving my mood.

I suppose I could be a bit put off that most people I know are now coupled up whereas it wasn't so long ago when most people I knew were not. This has two negative impacts on my psyche, the first is that I feel more lonely, but the second is that it starts to edge upon those old feelings of defectiveness. I feel left behind, or semi retarded. Because obviously there must be something wrong with me if everyone else is doing it. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is not true, and that is by far an improvement on my previous mentality, I can't say that I've 100% learned how to compensate for still feeling bad about it.

So to sum up. Work life sort of sucks. Social life sort of sucks. Not happy with appearance or body. Kind of in a funk. Yep, that about does it.

There Must Be Something Wrong With You

Mistress Matisse who I read regularly tweeted yesterday something that I replied to but have had time to think about and feel that I need to say more on the subject because it was offensive and it irritated me. The tweet in question was this:

"Theory: if someone has not ever chosen to cohabitate with a partner by age 40, the odds of him/her ever deciding to do so are slim. Discuss."

My reply was as follows:

"Er.. if they had the *option* and chose not to, maybe. If they never had the option before, then I'd say that's not true."

The more I've thought about this, the more cross it's made me. In particular coming from someone involved in the whole 'sex and relationships' industry. There are many reasons why cohabitation may not have occurred before age 40 and I would say many have zero implications on whether or not after this magic age of 40 most people are somehow statistically out of options.

First of all, there is no general promise in this life that you are going to get someone to cohabitate with. Before I discuss any other aspect of this question, I'd like to make that abundantly clear. This isn't a life guarantee. For some people, it just doesn't happen. So regardless of if you are 25 or 40 or 70, if the dice weren't in your favor, then they weren't in your favor. Is there some magic age limit when you are suddenly out of luck? No. And actually, after a lot of people get out of their 'starter marriages', I'd say that there are many people who find love and relationships post-40. Sometimes that includes finding someone who, shock and horror, may not have been married or cohabitated with anyone before. So in general, I call bullshit on this.

If there is some physical or social reason that makes you less likely to find a partner, are you more or less likely to find a partner before or after age 40? Again I call bullshit and say this is an arbitrary number that doesn't matter. I suppose if there is something actually hindering you that makes it harder for you to find someone, then it's reasonable to assume it may continue to be difficult to find someone, but also, think of all the years you may have already spent looking! Maybe by 40 you are better at it, or people who know you accept you more for who you are. Are you statistically less likely to find your life partner (and live with them) because 40 came and went? I don't think so.

Here's what I particular dislike about this tweet. It implies by its very nature that there is something wrong with someone who hasn't managed to achieve this apparent life aim of cohabitation. It does not take into account what they may want, or what choices may or may not have been available to them. It just casually dismisses anyone over 40 for having something so wrong with them that there is no hope for them in the future. Well, all the over 40's who haven't cohabitated but want to, I suppose you should all just go kill yourselves now, because I guess there just isn't any hope for you.

Which brings me around to my original response which has everything to do with the use of the word choice as the single way out of this abhorrent comment that I'll allow. I suppose it is possible that if you are someone who found great relationships but chose not to cohabitate and you have not addressed (or do not care to address) why you chose not to cohabitate, then amazingly it is true, as you pass the age of 40 you are likely to be the same person you were at 39 who does not choose to cohabitate with others. However, that seems like a not so intelligent sort of comment about people and their behavior, and so not the one that I think was intended, and certainly not what was conveyed.

Now in general, I don't think twitter is even the right place for a conversation or debate like this. Most obviously it doesn't give the original author space to explain exactly what they meant and instead leaves a rather insulting statement of only one sentence to try and do the job for them. Usually I enjoy following Matisse and her offerings. This time I'm afraid, not so much.

Saturday Slowness

This is not going to be a post about anything in particular. It's Saturday and almost 3. I'm hanging about in my lounge, still in my pajamas. I've got a load of laundry about to be ready to hang up, and I've sorted out my DVD shelf by moving some other stuff around. This has enlightened me to the fact that my 'L Word' season 2 is missing. I have no idea who has it.

No further word from Mr.Aloof since he tried it on. Which is fine by me. I don't need him pushing at me which forces my had in being more and more firmly bitchy towards him. Then of course he feels like he is the one who has been wronged. Sometimes no really does mean no you know.

I feel like I just returned from Cambridge and am in no way ready to go up there again tomorrow. I've just checked the train and at least it's running, as last Sunday it was not and I had to travel Monday morning instead. Still, I honestly feel like I just got back. I don't have time to do anything, take care of anything, and then I'm up there again. And this week I have to stay through Thursday, and next week I have to be there on Thursday as well. Actually the week after next I'm off to Liverpool for two days, so I'll have no time at all at home before I'm back in Cambridge. I know that this is really just things re-settling into place, but right now it's a real burden. I'll get used to it, mainly because there isn't any other choice. And honestly, if this is the worst aspect of my current life I can't say that it's that bad. But it is enough to be annoying and draining just now. Until it settles into some sort of routine.

I've been spending a small amount of my free time turning this blog into a printable book (using blurb for anyone who might want to do the same). I've decided to do a book for every year so I can add them to my collection of hand written journals. It has always bothered me that all of this writing is separated from the other records I have kept of my life. This has turned into something of a time consuming endeavor however. And I note that many images used in the early days of this blog are simply missing, and so already the record of the past is incomplete. In some cases I remember very clearly what the image was, so I have been able to repair it. But in many cases, the image is just lost. I look forward to the first book however. I'm working on 2005 and am about 1/3 of the way through it. It's interesting to read back, but then, it always is. This is part of the reason I need it printed to join the rest. Though I wonder what will happen to any of these things in the future. Funny things we do us human beings.

Nothing much interesting on the relationship front. I had a very vivid dream last night of being with someone- not having sex with them, but having them touch me and hold me. I remember that we were spooning, with my back to his big spoon. It felt incredibly real. When I woke up I was disturbed slightly. Although there was a lot more to the dream that was equally disturbing though in different ways. It was one of my 'epic' dreams and I woke up remembering quite a bit of it which is often just confusing. This was only one very small part.

I have only managed to lose 3 lbs since putting on 6 from going to Italy which I am not pleased about. This is pushing me to behave badly in respect to my eating to force the remaining 3 pounds to go. I dislike feeling obsessive about my weight, but then I dislike being overweight. Nothing new there. This current schedule does nothing to improve my eating. What I really wanted to do today was cook some good and healthy food but of course, what's the point. I can't take it to Cambridge with me, and it will rot here in the interim.

I don't want this all to be bitching and moaning however. I am in many ways looking forward to this year. I feel so much more in control of my work and what I need to do. Yes, there are a million annoyances clamoring for my time and attention, but I feel confident that I am on the right track and can tackle this whole PhD thing. Of course part of me feels quite strongly that what I'm doing would in no way be considered a real PhD by most US institutions, but what difference does it make once I have the thing? I'm getting a PhD from Cambridge! Not only that, but I seem to be doing it reasonably well. I'll stick with that for the time being. It gives me... energy and motivation to keep it up.

I'm sure there was something else I wanted to write about but I really can't remember what it was. Ah well.

Too Late

Yesterday I had a very strange email conversation with Mr.Aloof. That's right, the twat who twisted me up and shat me out a few years ago. After therapy and after I told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, he would tentatively reach out to me about every 3-6 months. At first these moments of contact frightened me, but as time passed, I began to feel nothing. If anything, I felt a bit bitchy towards him.

I suppose it shows just how over everything I am. He holds zero power over me, although he can still irritate me, it's mainly for being a stupid twat, not for actually harming me in any way. I guess I allow this intermittent contact because I remember that I actually really liked this person once. That there were qualities about him that I enjoyed as a person, not just as a carnal lover. But I have always been very clear with him that there was pretty much nothing left and that I chatted with him on a whim. I would disappear just as much as he used to.

So this has been the pattern for the past couple years. I barely even register it. But yesterday was a bit odd. He's in Japan now, as he has been for most of last year. I was in the office late. He was out drinking late. He was drunk. And interesting for a change. Open and provocative. But then he tried. He tried to see if there was a weakness there, a point of entry. Of course there was not. But his persistence was... well... strange. I have never attempted to give him any false hope or be anything less than blatantly honest about how I viewed things.

I suppose part of his character is this desire for the unattainable. I think this is how I appear to him now. Now he wants to see me, to be with me, he wants to know what I want. And on some level, this was pleasing to read in a rather malicious and vindictive way. Until I reminded myself that were I to be inclined to acquiesce to any of his interest I would find the same person I knew then. When he had what he pursued, he would no longer want it. I have zero interest in this game and told him as much.

Which of course, pissed him off. Which I found both amusing and irritating. He hasn't changed at all. He thinks he has changed but nothing has changed. Lost soul that he is. I almost feel badly for him, but then I do not. He has made his life-bed and so must sleep in it.

Still, it was a very strange conversation.

Italy was good. Very good. Nice to get away and get a real vacation and a real break. I don't remember when I last did. Of course it only gave me a taste for it and now I want more! Need to watch that budget though. This trip was it for the year perhaps, aside from the annual one stateside. We'll see. I do have enough air miles to go pretty much anywhere I want, but I'm saving them for just now until I have a very good idea.

I've come back, as expected, to a shitload of work. I knew this would be the case. All I really want to do is work on my own PhD research and yet I have tons of other things vying for my attention. January is half done and I only allowed January and February to develop stage one of my research. Of course there is still time, but I want to do that now, not do all this other crap. Currently I'm procrastinating from my coursework which is due on the 19th. I've only had this coursework since the end of November but I only really started it yesterday. I could smack myself around sometimes for this behavior, although in truth I was busy working on the 3D model for my paying client in December, so it's not like I was doing nothing.

I think coming back from holiday to all this work and grey weather has put me in a bit of a funk. I'm feeling very isolated at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why. But I'm sure it will pass.