Funk

As in, I'm in one. It's been going on for at least a few days now. My life seems busy but aimless. I think this is the majority of the reason, although lack of any interesting relationship status also isn't helping. But actually, I think it has more to do with my workload. I'm very cranky about it at the moment. I'm annoyed at having things piled on me and not being able to pursue what I want to be pursuing. And every time I get a chance to do a little bit of my own work, I feel like I haven't done enough, that there's loads more to do, and no time to do it in. It's frustrating and difficult and I just find that I'm in a particularly grouchy mood.

Of course there could be relationship factors in this as well. I've been distinctly unhappy with my weight and appearance. I have not shifted the weight I gained since going to Italy, and even before that I'd only just managed to get it back into the 'acceptable high' zone. I'm now still five pounds over that and fuming about it. So I've rejoined my gym. I had a slow start the week before and didn't go, but this past week I went Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Now that I'm in Cambridge I obviously can't go, but I did do sit-ups this morning. I think I can be good about going at least three out of the four days I'm in London, although ideally I'll go all four days. It is hard though, I'm not going to lie to myself about it. I managed to go this past week, but I think I just need to take it a week at a time and see how it goes.

Just a bit ago I got an email from the jackrabbit who is back from Columbia. I suggested we meet up for a drink a week ago and he just replied to say yes but felt the need to emphasize 'as friends'. Which is fine of course, and not that far off from what I expected (and also why I suggested just to meet for drinks) but it still isn't very nice, is it? No.

I think I'm in a terrible mood when it comes to boys and dating at the moment. I find I have zero patience for boys who don't appear to put in any effort. What happened to the art of conversation? Or to courting? I don't want to be the one asking all the questions and picking all the dates. I'd like a bit of input, some enthusiasm. I don't think this is unreasonable, but I think my attitude has perhaps been a bit harsh. When I say I have zero patience for this behavior, I mean I have absolutely zero patience. I'll exchange a few emails but if no questions in my direction are forthcoming, or no art of conversation, I'm likely to point out to the person that they aren't doing a very good job. Not surprisingly, this has resulted in a slew of boys not writing back to me. And while I care, I also don't. I don't have the time to train someone how to be interesting! Am I mental? Is this some disastrous by product of gender equality? That men have forgotten how to be engaging? At any rate, I'm not having it. But I can't say that it's improving my mood.

I suppose I could be a bit put off that most people I know are now coupled up whereas it wasn't so long ago when most people I knew were not. This has two negative impacts on my psyche, the first is that I feel more lonely, but the second is that it starts to edge upon those old feelings of defectiveness. I feel left behind, or semi retarded. Because obviously there must be something wrong with me if everyone else is doing it. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is not true, and that is by far an improvement on my previous mentality, I can't say that I've 100% learned how to compensate for still feeling bad about it.

So to sum up. Work life sort of sucks. Social life sort of sucks. Not happy with appearance or body. Kind of in a funk. Yep, that about does it.