Struggling

I'd like to write something happy and exciting but I'm afraid I can't. The funk is still with me. I feel lost a bit. Adrift. Somewhat isolated. I am also feeling old. On the one hand I like what I'm doing with my life just now, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. That I'm not where I should be at this point in my life.

It's a repetitive lament. On the work front I continue to feel like I'm not getting my own stuff done. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel that I'm falling behind. I feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like I won't be able to do what I need to do.

On the positive side on the work front I had one of the girl's in the center tell me that me and this other guy M are considered the smartest ones out of the group and that she says people speak quite highly of my intellect when I'm not around. So that made me feel good.

But my view of my own work is currently not good.

And then there's the relationships. Or lack of relationships. In fact, no relationships. And feeling old again, and that I'm just not going to get those chances. I won't even have the choice you see. No choice. I'm getting old, and the window is passing by. I might yet meet someone one day, but I am probably never going to have a family. That makes me a bit sad. For the record, I think I would have made an awesome parent.

The commute is still really getting to me. I don't feel like I exist in any place. Instead of feeling that I'm half in Cambridge and half in London what I feel like is that I'm not in Cambridge and I'm not in London. I'm not anywhere. This is the adrift bit. There's nothing to hold me. It doesn't really matter. I show up here, I show up there. I just appear, and disappear.

I'm frustrated with lack of funding. I'm frustrated with my house. I feel like I don't live in a particularly grown up house. I want to get my shit together. I want to fix my lounge wall and get a gas fire put in and proper shelves. I want to fix the bathroom. Of course I can't afford any of this just now. Or rather, I could blow my savings on doing this but that would not be a particularly clever idea. I just feel stalled although I know I'm not really stalled. I know I'm doing this cool thing. I know that my friend X has been out of work now for some time and that I could just as easily not be doing the PhD and not be doing anything at all. I am doing exactly what I should be doing and I am kind of damn lucky to be doing it.

It just doesn't feel that way in the day to day grind of it. Sometimes.

To try and be positive about something else though, the other blog venture is going really well. I'm pleased about that. It's providing a good outlet for some additional writing and professional thought muscle flexing.

I'm also happy that I seem to do well in my classes that I'm taking and sitting in on in Land Economy. I have to take the one class for credit and the other two I'm sitting in on because they seemed really interesting. And they are extremely interesting, but I also already know a lot of the stuff they're saying and I've made some comments in class that have been well received. So that also made me feel good.

Huh. I feel good when people recognize I'm smart. I'm seeing a trend. Well. What the fuck else do I have going on? It's not like I'm getting any other kudos at the moment for say, being exceptionally pretty, or well dressed, or kind. I guess I have to settle for what I can get.

Other positive thinking is that the past two weeks I've gone to the gym 3 out of the 4 days I've been in London. That's been good. And I've done sit-ups whilst in Cambridge which is good. I'm still feeling tremendously out of shape and it's probably going to be another week or two before I can ratchet up the regimen to some more serious toning and burning, but I'm happy to find that I have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. And I do enjoy it when I'm there. Maybe me and the gym just need to go in cycles and I'm on an up cycle. Whatever it is I'm not going to complain about that particular one.

Not much else to report. Everyone seems to have worse problems than I do. On top of all of this whinging I feel like I'm making something out of nothing. Not when I don't really have anything particularly serious going on.

Oh, I met up with the other couple and there was some hanky panky going on. I'm not sure I want to get into that just now. Suffice to say, casual just isn't really doing it for me at the moment. Or maybe it was because it was only with him and not also with her. But no, really, I don't want to fuck around just now, I either want someone who wants to be with me or maybe I just don't want anything for a bit. It's not satisfying. At least, not just at the moment. I felt similarly at the rope workshop. I tied up H in a couple of pretty good ties which was nice. But then this guy K tied me up and that was cool and all but I couldn't be in the right head space for it to enjoy it the way I would like to either. I think when it comes to me and relationships or intimacy at the moment I'm feeling incredibly selfish. I want it to be the real deal or I don't want anything to do with it. Of course, that doesn't actually match up to my behavior, but I know how I feel, even if I choose to pursue other avenues.